Be STILL
Be SILENT
If you know me at all, you probably know that neither of these things come naturally for me. I am constantly on the go, my mind is always in overdrive and I like to talk... A LOT. But for at least a good week after the bad news came, I literally did not talk to anyone but Corey. Not friends, not my Mom... no one. I was not really in the mood to talk, but I also felt like God was calling me to have a period of silence. My heart was broken and nothing anyone said was going to change that. I just needed to rest in Him. Besides that, I literally could not form thoughts. It was like my brain had been completely fried from the past 4 years, and especially the past month. As it turned out, I barely had any photo shoots during the month of April and I hardly worked at the pediatric clinic. It was seriously like God just cleared my schedule so that I could be still. My usual coping mechanism is to stay super busy and fill up my schedule to where I am so distracted that I don't have to fully face the pain and it keeps slowly building until I have a meltdown. But that doesn't really work when you are being still and silent. You have no choice but to confront all of it head on. So that's what I have been doing over the past few months I've been 'away.' I've been reflecting on all that has gone on the past 4+ years. I've been grieving. I've been having some knock-down-drag outs with The Lord. I've been spending some (not enough) time in the Word. I've been forcing myself to rest and relax more. I've been processing. I've been reading. I've been crying. I've been praying.
And I've realized something big. Something life changing. Since the moment I became a Christian, my life has been almost a constant whirlwind. First, I got saved and got married...which are two major life changes. Corey was in dental school and I was working full time night shift as a nurse, so we basically never saw each other for the first 2 years of our marriage. Soon after getting married, I officially left the religion I had been a part of all my 25 years of life, and as a result, almost lost some very close family members and friends. Relationships were certainly strained and tensions were at an all time high for a long time. Then we had our first miscarriage. 6 months later we moved to Arkansas and had to start completely over....new jobs, new friends, new house, new church, new doctors, new life. We had our second miscarriage. Soon after, death took 2 of my beloved grandparents within 9 months of each other. My Mom was diagnosed with leukemia. And all the while we've been fighting this battle called infertility, full of its own strains on our marriage, emotions, finances, spiritual lives & physical bodies... with the most recent hurdle being the failed IVF.
I know there are people who have had it much worse than I have and there always will be. But for me, these things have been a lot to carry. And I needed to tell you all that to get to the point I'm getting at. I am fully convinced because of all the stuff that has consumed the last 5 years of my life that there is only one way to get through the trials of this life with any sort of joy or contentment ... & that is to view absolutely everything in the light of eternity and in the light of God's glory. Nothing else works, at least not for me. I have tried coping with these struggles in every way imaginable. But over the past 2 weeks, as I have been focusing on Almighty God on His throne with all the angels and saints worshipping Him day and night, I have felt a huge burden lifted. My perspective has changed drastically. I know some time has passed and I am beginning to heal thanks in part to prayer and the Word and the encouragement and love of people in my life, but I think the biggest change lately has come through my shift in thinking. 2 timely things are happening by God's design that I feel have led me to this place. Our church is studying The Book of Revelation, which is basically a book about God's glory and God's ultimate victory over sin and Satan. It is a book of hope for those who are in Christ and a book of terror for those who aren't, rightfully so. But the timing of us going through this book has been so good for me, to help me focus on the big picture and not just on my little mist of a life. This life is so short. The end is near. Big things will happen and eternity will be ushered in... an eternity that I get to experience because of the redemptive work of Christ! It is mind blowing if you really stop and think about it. Also, a few weeks ago, Corey and I began reading a marriage book by Francis and Lisa Chan and the first chapter is basically all about viewing your marriage in the light of eternity. Francis urges you to take some time to just close your eyes and picture God in all His glory. He also talks about the reaction of people in the Bible who have seen God. This really intrigued me, so I did a little research...
Abraham - fell on his face (Genesis 17:1)
Moses - hid his face and was afraid (Exodus 3:6)
Joshua - fell on his face and worshipped God (Joshua 5:14)
Isaiah- was instantly confronted with his sinfulness and unworthiness (Isaiah 6:5)
Job- despises himself and repents with dust and ashes (Job 42:6)
Paul- Fell to the ground and was blinded (Acts 9:3-9)
John- Fell at His feet as though dead (Revelation 1:17)
This is my God! This is the God who hears me, heals me, loves me and knows me. And this is the effect He has on people who have caught a glimpse of Him. If there is one thing I've realized lately, it is that I certainly have not been holding Him in proper esteem! What a slap in the face to The Alpha and The Omega that I yearn for a child of my own more than I yearn to be in His presence. There is no excuse for my behavior. I have been so foolish. I feel like Isaiah..."woe is me, for I am undone." I do not know why he puts up with my crap, but I am so glad He does. After all of the spiritual wrestling I have done with God over the past several years, I feel I have finally learned the most important lesson yet: Nothing compares to Him. All this time I have foolishly been believing that a baby would bring me true joy. But NO human is capable of that. And if I never get to be a Mom, I'm going to be ok. Because the fact of the matter is that when I am in heaven, it won't matter. Nothing will matter except that Jesus is Lord. I've been begging him for answers and I finally got mine. He is the answer.
I know myself and how lazy, worldly, hypocritical and emotional I can be. I pray that this will be the time I finally cling to this truth more than I cling to the devil's lies. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart, oh but what the cross has done. Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart, but the war is already won." The war is won, the King is on the throne, but the world continues to battle for my heart. I know as long as I am in this world, it is not going to be easy or come naturally to have this perspective. But you better believe that by the grace of God, I am going to try. And when I fail, I know He'll be faithful to bring me back to this place one way or another.
It relieves me to feel like He is beginning to calm the whirlwind that has been my life. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again. My husband and I both have more normal and far less stressful schedules. I am continuing to grow in my relationship with God. Things have gotten considerably better with my family. We are feeling very at home in Arkansas and have been so blessed with amazing friends, a great church home and wonderful jobs here. We have been settled in the same home for 3 years. My Mom's leukemia has stayed under control. I have not been in a doctor's office in 2 months and have not taken a single hormone or fertility drug. There is a sense of normalcy back in my life. This infertility struggle is losing it's grip on my heart. My God is a God who provides!
It's time to get back up. No more living defeated... not today.
"Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10
