I'm pretty sure the main reason Corey and I were able to enjoy this summer so much is because for the first time in over 4 years, our lives have not completely revolved around getting and staying pregnant. I am so glad that we agreed to take a break this summer; WE NEEDED IT. I can tell you that for sure now, looking back. Not only were we heartbroken after our unsuccessful attempt at IVF, but also physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from months and years consumed by a vicious cycle of meds, doctors appointments, surgeries, procedures, stress, blood draws, ultrasounds, hope, excitement, negative pregnancy tests, disappointment and loss. Although it was not easy to just shut it all off, we did. I haven't stepped foot in my OB doctor's office in almost 5 months. The day we found out we weren't pregnant after IVF, I stopped all medications and I have not had a single blood draw or ultrasound since. We've continued praying for God to lead and guide us, but for the most part have not been obsessing over what's next. It is amazing the relief we have felt in this season. It has been like a stream of water running through our dry and weary souls.
As much as I have tried through this blog, it is very difficult to describe what a burden infertility is. Even I can't wrap my mind around it sometimes. And as heavy & hurtful as it is, I've still found it very difficult to surrender it to The Lord. I've laid it down before, but the problem is that before long ...I decide that His way isn't working for me, so I pick it back up and charge ahead like I'm God. I have realized lately that surrender is not a one time thing, but has to be a daily decision. I have to ask myself, "Am I going to carry this today or am I going to give it to The Lord?" After years of refusing to let Him have His way and subconsciously demanding that my way is best, I have finally learned that laying it at His feet truly is better. This summer is living proof of that. For the most part, I have been in a state of surrender. Apart from the vicious cycle we had been accustomed to, Corey and I have both been happier, more relaxed and able to simply enjoy life again. Our marriage has prospered. I have also been pouring more energy into taking care of myself, rather than just feel like I am emptying myself all the time. I joined a gym and have been working out, I took golf and swimming lessons and I started going to counseling again. I feel healthier than I have in a long time and that is a good feeling. But none of it means that desiring to be a Mom but still being childless is suddenly easy. I am not immune to the pain. I have multiple close friends who are pregnant right now and all due to have their babies right around the time when I would have been due had IVF been successful. God's timing in that has been so hard to understand. He not only said no to us, but said yes to all of them at the same time. And we have so many other friends and family members who already have kids and we get to watch them all being parents and we continue to wonder... why not us? It often feels like we are stuck here watching everyone else's lives move on around us. It is easy to feel like I don't belong, I can't relate & I am the elephant in the room. I never thought this would be our story.
But during this break, as I have taken a step back and removed myself from the midst of the craziness, God has once again given me a fresh perspective. He has shown me that there truly is more to life that being a Mom, and that it is NOT my main purpose. It is not anyone's main purpose, really. We were created by God for relationship with Him. I used to always say, "I was made to be a Mom." That is actually false. It was for His pleasure that I was created. Marriage is an added bonus, parenthood is an added bonus, friendship is an added bonus... but none of those things are anyone's main purpose. Our purpose in this life is to know & glorify God, to be His light in this world, to make disciples and attempt to love others like He has loved us. I can promise you that I don't do a very good job of that when my whole life is consumed by infertility treatments and tears; when I care more about having a baby of my own than I do about the lost going to heaven. The truth is, I easily become super self-absorbed. By pouring everything I have into trying to have a child, I miss out on so many other opportunities and blessings in my life. Not only that, but my relationships with God, my husband and others begin to suffer. I am thankful God continues to bring me back to this place. When He opens my eyes again to His truth, it always makes so much sense. But the problem is that I go back out into a fallen world that tells me a completely different story, along with an enemy who preys on my every weakness and is always ready and willing to beat me down and cloud my vision. And then I take the long, hard, rocky road back to the feet of Jesus, where it all makes sense again and there is peace. But I'm learning that it doesn't have to be like that. I don't have to scale mountains or swim through raging waters or take the long, scenic route to Him. Because of the cross, the gap has been bridged and I am always in His presence. I pray that reality continues to sink deep into my heart.
So where do we go from here? Truthfully, I don't know. I was hoping this break would also come with some big revelation about what our next steps should be, but neither Corey or I are feeling like God is clearly pointing us in a certain direction at this time. As hard as I still find it to wait for The Lord and be still, that is what I will continue to do, because I believe He has a plan and that it is good. So for now we will keep praying for clarity, trying to maintain an eternal perspective and purpose and keep enjoying life as much as we can, knowing He has not forgotten or forsaken us. He is a man of His word, and I will rest in His promises and in His presence today! I will certainly keep you updated if there are any new developments.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14
As much as I have tried through this blog, it is very difficult to describe what a burden infertility is. Even I can't wrap my mind around it sometimes. And as heavy & hurtful as it is, I've still found it very difficult to surrender it to The Lord. I've laid it down before, but the problem is that before long ...I decide that His way isn't working for me, so I pick it back up and charge ahead like I'm God. I have realized lately that surrender is not a one time thing, but has to be a daily decision. I have to ask myself, "Am I going to carry this today or am I going to give it to The Lord?" After years of refusing to let Him have His way and subconsciously demanding that my way is best, I have finally learned that laying it at His feet truly is better. This summer is living proof of that. For the most part, I have been in a state of surrender. Apart from the vicious cycle we had been accustomed to, Corey and I have both been happier, more relaxed and able to simply enjoy life again. Our marriage has prospered. I have also been pouring more energy into taking care of myself, rather than just feel like I am emptying myself all the time. I joined a gym and have been working out, I took golf and swimming lessons and I started going to counseling again. I feel healthier than I have in a long time and that is a good feeling. But none of it means that desiring to be a Mom but still being childless is suddenly easy. I am not immune to the pain. I have multiple close friends who are pregnant right now and all due to have their babies right around the time when I would have been due had IVF been successful. God's timing in that has been so hard to understand. He not only said no to us, but said yes to all of them at the same time. And we have so many other friends and family members who already have kids and we get to watch them all being parents and we continue to wonder... why not us? It often feels like we are stuck here watching everyone else's lives move on around us. It is easy to feel like I don't belong, I can't relate & I am the elephant in the room. I never thought this would be our story.
But during this break, as I have taken a step back and removed myself from the midst of the craziness, God has once again given me a fresh perspective. He has shown me that there truly is more to life that being a Mom, and that it is NOT my main purpose. It is not anyone's main purpose, really. We were created by God for relationship with Him. I used to always say, "I was made to be a Mom." That is actually false. It was for His pleasure that I was created. Marriage is an added bonus, parenthood is an added bonus, friendship is an added bonus... but none of those things are anyone's main purpose. Our purpose in this life is to know & glorify God, to be His light in this world, to make disciples and attempt to love others like He has loved us. I can promise you that I don't do a very good job of that when my whole life is consumed by infertility treatments and tears; when I care more about having a baby of my own than I do about the lost going to heaven. The truth is, I easily become super self-absorbed. By pouring everything I have into trying to have a child, I miss out on so many other opportunities and blessings in my life. Not only that, but my relationships with God, my husband and others begin to suffer. I am thankful God continues to bring me back to this place. When He opens my eyes again to His truth, it always makes so much sense. But the problem is that I go back out into a fallen world that tells me a completely different story, along with an enemy who preys on my every weakness and is always ready and willing to beat me down and cloud my vision. And then I take the long, hard, rocky road back to the feet of Jesus, where it all makes sense again and there is peace. But I'm learning that it doesn't have to be like that. I don't have to scale mountains or swim through raging waters or take the long, scenic route to Him. Because of the cross, the gap has been bridged and I am always in His presence. I pray that reality continues to sink deep into my heart.
So where do we go from here? Truthfully, I don't know. I was hoping this break would also come with some big revelation about what our next steps should be, but neither Corey or I are feeling like God is clearly pointing us in a certain direction at this time. As hard as I still find it to wait for The Lord and be still, that is what I will continue to do, because I believe He has a plan and that it is good. So for now we will keep praying for clarity, trying to maintain an eternal perspective and purpose and keep enjoying life as much as we can, knowing He has not forgotten or forsaken us. He is a man of His word, and I will rest in His promises and in His presence today! I will certainly keep you updated if there are any new developments.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14
