I don't know about you, but I am personally ready to close the book on 2015 and start over again in 2016! There is something so refreshing about being able to do that. But before I can move forward, there is something I really need to get off my chest. A lot has taken place over the past few years that I have not yet spoken openly of, and it has really culminated in these past few months. So this post can probably be considered an update/testimony. I have wanted to open up about this area of my life for a while now, but it has been very difficult for me to do so.  But now the time has come. This is the year. And there is nothing like waiting until New Year's Eve to motivate me to finally "let it go!"  

I, for one, love Disney movies! Among my favorites are Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin & The Little Mermaid. And then of course there is Cinderella and The Lion King! They are all just full of life lessons, great music and all kinds of characters. I usually find myself emotionally moved when I watch them. That was definitely the case with the movie "Frozen." Oh how I can relate to Elsa!  She wasted so much time hiding a part of her that she is ashamed and embarassed of. She lived so fearful of the repercussions of her secret being known and opinions of others, rather than just letting it go and getting on with her life.  I can relate.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,

Not a footprint to be seen.

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see,

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!

Can't hold it back anymore.

Let it go, let it go,

Turn away and slam the door!

About 3 years ago, I went in for my yearly check up with the OB-GYN doctor and my pap smear came back abnormal. They reassured me that this happens frequently and planned to recheck it in 6 months to see if it would resolve on its own, which apparently it often does. Six months later, they swabbed my cervix again, and the results showed that the abnormal cells were still present. This time they did a biopsy to see exactly how abnormal the cells were and it came back as CIN 3 severe dysplasia. There are three categories of abnormal cervical cells: CIN 1 (mild), CIN 2 (moderate) and CIN 3 (severe). It was quite alarming when we realized that what I had was just one step below cancer! At this point, my doctor recommended that I have a procedure done called a LEEP. It is done in the office using a wire loop that has an electrical current to burn off  a small layer of the cervical tissue. The goal is that it will remove the abnormal areas and they hopefully won't return. So I had this done.  Nine months later I had another pap done and once again it was abnormal. So another biopsy was done which once again showed CIN 3 cervical dysplasia and my doctor recommended doing a 2nd LEEP. So, I had the procedure done.  That was last December. 

Then this September, just a few months ago, I had another pap and biopsy done to follow up with this and once again the results came back as CIN 3 severe dysplasia.  At this point, my doctor decided to consult with a GYN Oncologist due to the fact that my dysplasia had now been treated twice, but continued to be severe, with no change. A few days later, his nurse called to let me know that he would like Corey and I to come in to "discuss our options." When we did, he told us that the specialist he consulted with recommended that I have a hysterectomy done. A hysterectomy!!! He also said there was a procedure called a cold knife cone biopsy which could be done, but is not what the specialist recommended at this point. He said we had a month to think about it and make our decision. 

After a few weeks of trying to process through our options and a wide range of emotions, we finally decided that before taking any action, we needed to get a second opinion from another GYN Oncologist. By the grace of God, this doctor said he did NOT feel like the hysterectomy was the correct treatment considering my age and our desire to have children. He did stress that it was serious and needed to be taken care of, but felt that a cold knife cone biopsy could be very effective and also preserve my fertility. Talk about relief! So we scheduled the cone surgery with very thankful hearts that God provided us with another option!

I had the surgery on November 16th. Basically, I was put to sleep under general anesthesia and a cone shaped piece of my cervix (where the abnormal cells were located) was removed with a cold knife/scalpel. It is more aggressive than a LEEP because more tissue is removed, but also more precise. My doctor said it went very well and he sent off the tissue to make sure he got it all. A few days later, we found out that was the case! All the margins were clean and for the first time in a long time, I was free of cervical dysplasia. Praise Jesus!

The recovery was going quite well the first week. I just took it easy and had very little pain. But exactly one week after the surgery, I ended up in the ER with some of the worst abdominal pain of my life. It came on at about 4 p.m. and by 6 p.m. I was barely able to move and was quite hysterical.  Come to find out, I had developed peritonitis (inflammation of the abdominal lining), either from a ruptured ovarian cyst or a post-op infection from the surgery. Either way, fluid got into my abdomen and irritated the lining of my abdominal organs and caused severe pain. I was a pretty sick girl for a week over Thanksgiving. After that week on some strong antibiotics and pain pills, things started to look up again. The surgery and the sickness both happened right in the middle of my busiest time with photography, plus the holidays and my normal responsibilities, so I became really overwhelmed trying to keep up and do everything I needed to do. It was a pretty rough month! 

I am now back to myself again physically, which is such a blessing!  I had my one month check up with the GYN Oncologist who did my surgery and he said I have healed very well and that I have no restrictions at this point. We will do another pap in 4 months. I will continue seeing him for all of my check-ups in this area. We hope that this will be a thing of the past and we will never have to deal with it again! 

The part that is so hard to open up about is the reason why I have this problem the fact that this could have all been prevented. Cervical dysplasia is caused by a virus called HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), which is spread through sexual contact. There are many different strains of HPV, some which cause genital warts and some which cause cervical dysplasia and/or cancer. There are some strains which go undetected forever and some which may show up years later. I made some decisions in the past that I regret. And now I am still paying the consequences of some of those decisions. I did not know when I married Corey that I had this virus or that this was an issue we would face. I thank God that he has been so supportive through it all. I continue to be amazed by how forgiving and nonjudgemental my husband is of me! He has reminded me many times that I am not the same person anymore, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.  I made those mistakes when I was lost and far from Him. Those sins have long been dealt with and His grace and forgiveness covers me. I often forget this reality, but I am so glad it is true! "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

One big reason I feel so strongly that I need to share my experience with this is because I care deeply about the women in my life and want them to be informed about HPV and cervical dysplasia. I hope some of you can learn from my mistakes & my story. Please get a yearly pap smear. Don't let it be something you just forget to do or put off. I know it is not fun, but it is well worth it to detect changes early and get them treated. One thing I never realized, and you may not either, is that most sexually active people will get HPV at some point in their lives... but usually has not signs or symptoms and will often go undetected. It is very common. Like me, you may have no clue you have it until one day you do. So please have regular check ups so if something does change, you and your doctor can be on top of it. And if you are age 9-26 or have a daughter, friend, niece, etc. who is... know that there is a vaccine which prevents 2 high risk strains and 2 strains which cause genital warts. More information on HPV: http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/common-clinicians/insertpos.pdf

Another reason I feel I need to share is because I know that I cannot be the only person who has been carrying a burden like this! Maybe some of the purpose for why I have gone through what I have is so I can share my experiences and help others in some way. I have had a problem in my life with tending to be very judgemental, and can see why God has used some super humbling experiences to show me just how hypocritical I can be.  I used to compare my sins to those of others and usually come to the conclusion that I was doing ok. But over the past 5 years of my relationship with God, I've become quite aware of just how wretched I am. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. (Rom. 3:23) So I hope that if nothing else, me sharing this with you will encourage you in your own walk with Him.  Don't let the devil convince you that you are far worse or far better than anyone else. We are all the same without the blood of Christ covering us.  So as much as I have feared how this information might change some people's opinion of me, it doesn't matter, because when God looks at me He sees Jesus. That is all that matters.  I hope my transparency in this matter can be encouraging to you, just as the Apostle Paul's has been to me again and again... like in the following verse. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Needless to say, this has been a lot to deal with, especially on top of all the infertility stuff we've been facing! Maybe this has been part of our problem with conceiving. Between the scar tissue from the various procedures, to the stress of it all... to God just simply not allowing pregnancy until it was taken care of. We may never know, but I can only hope things will be different moving forward. As I look back, I can see His hands guiding, directing and protecting me. For the last few years, there has been more going on than you even knew, but I'm sure glad you know now.  What a burden lifted! I certainly don't feel like I was obligated open up about this, and for a long time I swore I never would. It is truly no one's business but ours... and it would be completely acceptable and probably easier to keep it that way. But I feel like God has given me such a platform to be real with people through this blog. I don't think He calls everyone to be as open about the ways they struggle or what mistakes they've made. But I feel like He continues to push me to be more and more transparent about every area of my life, not just areas I pick and choose that are easier for me to open up about. I am trying to be obedient to Him. I know He doesn't want me living in bondage to this another day. I know He can use it for good, and it is past time to let it go! 

My power flurries through the air into the ground.

My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around,

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast.

I'm never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand,

In the light of day.

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

If there is something in your own life burdening you, weighing you down or holding you back from living free, I pray you can let it go and leave it in 2015 as well! Close that book. I hope together we can walk into 2016 with lighter hearts and minds. Let's harbor more gratitude and less guilt.  Let's focus on what He's done and is going to do and not on what we've failed to do. As my wise Mom told me recently, "there is a reason the rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield!" May God bless you all. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading my blog this year, regardless of my inconsistency. Your kind words, prayers and love for us continue to be such gifts to me! I'm looking forward to navigating through 2016 together. HAPPY NEW YEAR!