A few things I am very eager for this year

1) A renewed sense of HOPE

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word at the beginning of the year rather than a new year's resolution. To me it just seems so much less overwhelming. Plus, there are so many different ways you can apply one word to your life! For example, my word for 2015 was "simplify." Although I failed to simplify my life in all the ways I had hoped I would, I did succeed in some areas. So it wasn't a complete failure, like my resolutions usually are.  And God really used my word to speak to me. After all, I believe He is the One who put that word on my heart. 

This year, my word is "hope"; specifically a renewed sense of hope. As I look back over the past 5 years, I can see how my hope of being a Mom, and more importantly, my hope of being truly content and fulfilled in this life has lessened with each passing year. I have put so much of myself into this goal of having children, that I've lost a great deal of hope along the way. A few antonyms/opposites of hope are disbelief, distrust, doubt, fear, hopelessness, despair, discouragement and pessimism. I have felt all of these feelings rather strongly & somewhat regularly while on this journey. These are some of Satan's greatest tools and I hate to admit that he has often used them successfully against me. But I'm putting my foot down, because I am tired of wasting what little time I have on this earth getting sucked into these traps that do nothing but hurt me and lessen my ability to glorify God!  After all, He has given me every reason to have hope.  He is my hope! And when I reject that hope, I break His heart. 

{Lord, forgive me for breaking Your heart. Help me to daily choose hope and all of it's wonderful synonym friends... anticipation, belief, confidence, expectation, faith, optimism and promise... to name a few. I want to be a woman whose life is characterized by hope and its synonyms, not its antonyms. I want my empty places to be filled by You. I want to be completely content whether or not my prayers of having children are answered in the ways I'd like them to be! You went to far greater lengths to make me Your child than I will ever go to having a child. Please help me remember that and keep it in perspective. Please help me carry out this desire to be a mother that you have given me in a way that glorifies you. It was given by You, but it is not greater than You. I can still have hope that you will answer my prayer for a baby tangibly one day on this earth, but if not... greater hope lies in the assurance that I am safe forever in your care. Neither life or death can separate me from You. I should not live or grieve or struggle or breathe as those without hope. Amen}

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

Hope is a big deal! I can cling to it knowing that one day I will see the whole picture and it will all make sense. And even if I never get to have my dream of being a Mommy come true on this earth, I will spend eternity in Paradise with my Savior and my husband and babies... and it just simply will not matter anymore. One day everything will be made right. One day I won't need faith or hope. In the words of the wonderful J. Vernon McGee " Faith, hope and love are the high words of the Christian vocabulary. The object of our faith will be fulfilled. All our hopes will be realized. There will be nothing left to hope for, so hope will disappear. There will be no need for faith. However, love is going to abide. The greatest of these is love. Paul is not describing an abstract term--love. He is writing a biography of Jesus Christ. The love of Jesus is an eternal love." 

Love never fails. God is love. God will never fail me! 

2) Ethiopia

Corey and I are going on our first ever mission trip together to Ethiopia this spring! This was something God laid on my heart a long time ago and it has been so cool to watch it come to fruition!!! I have never felt strongly called to missions until something began to change about a year and a half ago when Shaun and Megan Havelaar visited our church in May of 2014. They are missionaries serving at Ebenezer Grace Children's Home in Hawassa, Ethiopia. Shaun shared about their ministry and I was so deeply moved. I have felt a strong connection to Ebenezer Grace ever since. I bought one of their t-shirts, started following them on Facebook and began praying about what God might have me do. Almost every time they post a new story about a child there, I am moved to tears. I am so grateful for the work they are doing there and that they are caring so well for these beautiful children God has created, who have been abandoned or whose families cannot care for them for one reason or another. They are literally the hands and feet of Jesus to these kids. 

A long time ago, I mentioned to Corey that I thought maybe God was calling me to go there and serve. I remember him not being too overly excited about joining me. It wasn't that he didn't think it was a great thing, but more that it just wasn't something he felt called to at the time. So I continued to pray about it, asking God to reveal His plan to me and also let my husband know if it was his will for him to go, too. Eventually Corey began to become more and more interested. This change was very exciting for me to watch! Now he is all in and just as excited as I am about going to serve alongside our brothers and sisters in Ethiopia. We prayed about going other places, sought wise counsel from people we trust, waited on the Lord...but regardless, we have continued to feel strongly that eastern Africa is where God is leading us. 

We began communicating with Shaun at Ebenezer Grace over email back in August of 2015 about us potentially coming. God has continued opening doors ever since. We've been meeting with our pastor and his wife about it for several months. With their help and the help of Shaun, we chose the dates we would be going, and then last month Pastor Jeremy announced the opportunity to the church. We've had a few meetings since then and we now have our team! There will be 6 of us going... 2 men and 4 women! We will be leaving April 28 and returning May 7th! This will be over Ethiopian Easter, which I think will be very cool! We are now working with a travel agent on flights and getting our passports all ready. It has been so awesome watching God work in giving us the desire, providing the opportunity and bringing the team together. And I look forward to witnessing what He will do in the coming months of planning and preparation and also during our time there. I have no doubt in my mind that this experience will change my life. I am so blessed and honored to get to be a part of this mission! Your prayers over it would be greatly appreciated! 

3) Freedom from a secret bondage 

I cannot tell you what a relief it was to open up about all of my cervix issues and the reason behind them in my last blog post! It was truly a weight lifted off my shoulders to finally have the courage to tell that part of my story. And it was so encouraging for my soul to be met with such kind, loving and understanding responses! This is just another example of how humility is better than pride. In my experience, coming clean about past sins or current areas of struggle causes God to be able to use those areas of my life for good. He can turn even the worst situations into something beautiful. The problem as I see it is that so many, like me, let Satan convince them that they have to keep quiet, put on a front and pretend like everything is fine & dandy. Fake it so the world can't see who you really are. But that is just not how God works. His way, the better way, involves genuineness and transparency. His way brings healing and freedom, while the enemy's way encourages bondage and continued suffering. "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16 

I think of the Apostle Paul and how blunt and open he was about his sinfulness and weaknesses. I think about how knowing all of that information does not change my opinion of him, but causes me to have even more respect for him.  God's grace was amplified in Paul's life because Paul allowed it to be. I want to follow his example.  

Straight from the pen of Paul ---> "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."  1 Timothy 1:12-17

4) Our new lot

Corey and I have been blessed to be able to purchase a great lot in south Springdale! We love our current house and it has been so great for us.... but we have also dreamed about building a house together, and now it appears we will have that opportunity! Of course we know full well that God can always change our plans! But this is something fun and exciting for us to look forward to right now. We are planning to put our current house on the market in a year or so and whenever it sells, we will start building! So it is a little ways off, but I am thankful for this time to be able to design our floor plan, do things like look at other houses & watch "fixer upper" for fun ideas and just have fun with it without being rushed. It will be interesting to see what the finished product is as I love old cottages & victorian homes with tons of character and he loves the log cabin/rustic feel. Hopefully we'll be able to blend the two to create something we both love that isn't too weird!  :) We love to have people come stay with us, entertain friends, host bible studies, showers, etc. and it will be nice to have a home that is designed with those things in mind. We are also super excited to be able to have a basement, because that is somewhat rare here in NW Arkansas, but something we both really want! 

5) My blog

I want to blog more often and also let my blog evolve into something where I write more about all areas of my life and not so specifically about infertility. You know, because my life is so interesting! ;) But really... I love sharing recipes, crafts, pictures, etc. and I want to do more of that. Although I do love me some deep conversations and some deep writing, I also love to be light-hearted and fun. So I'm hoping to find that balance but also let it continue to be Spirit-led! 

I am so excited to see what God has in store for us this year! As I just shared with you, I already know some of the great things I have to look forward to, but there always seem to be some unexpected blessings along the way as well.  The Lord has already begun renewing my hope and giving me a fresh zest for life this year, for which I am so thankful! A crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair; that is what has been proven possible in my life once again, ya'll. That is what He offers. He is not confined by our circumstances and hardships. Have HOPE!