If you read my last post, you know that we have pretty much been on a break from all of the doctors, drugs, procedures, etc. etc. for like 2 years now. I have really been focusing on my health and I am happy to say that I am feeling better physically than I have felt in a long long time! I've been seeing a hormone specialist for the past year who has been helping me get my hormones balanced out, which in and of itself makes a huge difference in how I feel. They still aren't perfectly balanced, but we are definitely moving in the right direction, and I am so thankful!
And I am also happy to report that my last check-up with my GYN Oncologist for my abnormal cervical cell issue showed an "all clear" pap smear and ECC. Praise Jesus! What a huge burden off our shoulders!!! I pray those yucky cells stay gone this time. We've been battling them for 4 years now. Every time I feel like my reproductive organs are in jeopardy, it seems God shields them and grants me more time before the dreaded "hysterectomy." Wouldn't that just be awesome if I never ended up needing to have one at all?!
Another decision I made several months ago was to go on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication... after a very long time avoiding it. I can't tell you how many times Corey and I have discussed whether or not to go this route. It has definitely helped! I feel like the same person, I am still able to cry, etc., but everything just feels lighter and I am able to bounce back quicker from being upset or down. A close relationship with God is absolutely the best treatment for anxiety or depression, and He has sustained me these past 6 years. But I do believe many people also have a chemical imbalance that can be helped by medication. Especially now that I have experienced difference for myself do I really get it. There is nothing to be ashamed of! I am sure I will talk about that more at some point. Overall I am getting a lot more/better sleep (medication seems to help with that, too), I'm exercising more regularly and my stress levels are much lower than they had been. Other than the fact that I am not pregnant, I feel like I really can't complain. Major healing and restoration has taken place in my body, just like in my soul!
But while everything seems to be changing for the better within my body, we've discovered something majorly unexpected involving Corey's body. We decided back in January to go see a reproductive endocrinologist in Tulsa for a fresh set of eyes over our entire case. Well, you have to be careful what you wish for! We got some major clarity. The doctor informed us that Corey has very poor sperm morphology (the shape of the sperm). His are 2% normal, 98% abnormal. The test that she determined this from was run 2 years ago when we had our IVF work-up.... but no one ever told us!!! (cue the jaw drop). She started talking about it in our appointment like we already knew, (because why wouldn't we?) but we were in complete shock! We had the analysis done again in Tulsa just to make sure, and the results were the same. All this time, we've thought all of our fertility problems were the result of MY issues. Turns out, this has probably been our main/biggest issue all along and we've had no idea! It was hard for Corey to hear this news, naturally. He felt really bad.... not only that he has this issue, but that I've been carrying the burden all this time. As hard as this news was for both of us to hear, so many things suddenly made more sense. It has felt for so long like we were missing something and like all the pieces just didn't fit. She explained to us that we basically have a 2% chance of getting pregnant with a healthy baby on our own. Sperm morphology issues seem to be a genetic thing and there just isn't a whole lot you can do to fix it. We do still have the option of doing IVF again and she estimated we'd have about a 30% chance of success after multiple cycles with ICSI (where the sperm is actually injected into the egg). If it did take that many cycles, we are looking at about $45,000 out of pocket. So needless to say, we are taking some time to pray and seek The Lord. I still believe He can give us a miracle if He so chooses! And what a miracle it would be!
One positive thing that has come out of this revelation is that I feel like it brought Corey and I closer! I truly don't think anyone can understand what it is like to hear they have something majorly wrong with their body that is preventing them from being able to have a child/give their spouse a child, until they hear it about themselves. It is heart wrenching! I got to be strong for Corey in that moment and the days to follow as he grieved & processed. He is not used to being the one grieving and I'm not used to being so strong. But trading places was a huge blessing to our relationship because it caused us have more compassion and understanding for each other. He has never blamed me or made me feel guilty about any of my fertility issues, nor would I ever do that to him. They are out of our control. But if we don't end up having any biological babies, it will be nice to know that it wasn't just him or just me. We both had issues, for whatever reason, and neither of us has to beat ourselves up for being the sole reason we couldn't have kids. As a result of this experience, I've seen Corey become more sensitive to other people's trials & emotions as well. It has been so cool for me to watch how God is working in His heart! I love him now more than ever before!
The last major thing going on with us is that we just sold our house last weekend and are moving into a rent house next week! So we are in the midst of packing craziness. Where on earth did we get all this stuff?!?!?! Anyway, we are very excited and anxious to start building our new house! It has been such a fun project for us to work on together. We started designing our plans a year ago, so it has by no means gone quickly, but we finally to the point where things will hopefully start rolling now. We just have to wait for the bank appraisal and everything to be done and the plan is to break ground in early June! We feel so blessed. It is bittersweet to be leaving this house I love, but it is also refreshing. This home has been where wonderful memories have been made and where I have come to know The Lord so much more intimately, but it has also seen A LOT of heartbreak and tears. I think a fresh start will be a good thing! But I'll always cherish our time here in our 1st home in Arkansas, on Indian Springs Avenue!
Has anyone seen the movie "Passengers?" Corey and I just watched in last night. Usually sci-fi isn't really my thing and I honestly wasn't expecting much, but it was a great movie! (Heads up, there is a spoiler alert coming).
Jim & Aurora are passengers on a spaceship headed to a new colony on a far off planet. They left their lives on earth behind with dreams of doing something extraordinary! The journey is set to take 120 years and they are planning to be sleeping safely in hibernation pods until they get there. For various reasons out of their control, they both end up waking up around 90 years too early. This obviously causes them to go through an array of strong emotions... such as anxiety, confusion, determination, anger, hopelessness & apathy. The ship continues to have major malfunctions, but because they are awake, they end up being able to save the lives of the 5,000 other passengers on board, who are still sleeping. If it hadn't been for them, everyone would have died. They of course fall in love and end up accepting this reality that they are stuck forever in space alone, but together. Aurora is a writer and she writes a book about their life for the other passengers to read when they wake up. The movie ends with them holding each other in a swimming pool looking out into the universe, smiling at each other and saying "hell of a life!"
As the credits were rolling, my face was drenched in a stream of tears. Like I said, I was not expecting to be moved at all by this movie. But it struck something deep within me because it felt like such a parallel to mine and Corey's story. For so long we have been "stuck" in a reality that we did not choose. We started off on this journey full of dreams of baby kicks and ultrasound pics, diapers and pacifiers. But many things out of our control have derailed our plans and caused us to battle through all of those same emotions that Jim and Aurora experienced on the spaceship. For a long time that is where I parked my heart. That was the end of my story. My dreams were shattered and I was destined to live with this broken heart forever, and there was nothing I could do about it.
"But God..." As the Scriptures so often say when things are looking pretty grim.
There is more to this story. It doesn't end with me wallowing away the rest of my life. Maybe there are sleeping passengers around us that need to be rescued? And if we weren't where we are then maybe that wouldn't be possible? Maybe this shattered dream of ours is about more than just us. Didn't I just say in my very last blog that God only breaks us so He can put us back together more whole? Our Pastor said in his sermon last week that if God is asking us to do something we can be sure it is good for us and for others. Faith is being sure of something you cannot see. Well I am sure of this, God did not bring us here to abandon us. And I pray when others read the story I am writing through my blog, they will see His fingerprints ALL OVER.
I feel like I've been on the brink of acceptance for a while now. Scared to let go but ready to let go. This seems like a very appropriate time to hold onto Corey and look out together into the unknown before us and smile at each other and say, "heck of a life!"
Aurora: "You can't get so hung up on where you'd rather be, that you forget to make the most of where you are."
After I finished my good, long cry, I told Corey... "with everything going on, the flood gates were bound to break." And he said, "who would have known a sci-fi movie would be what caused that to happen?!" I can't be too predictable! ;) Good night, all!
