Last week I had a day where I was flat out in a really bad mood. I literally spent the whole day feeling bad for myself and being anxious and irritable and just BLAH!!! And I felt like I had every right to be, because "my life just isn’t fair."  Sometimes it feels like a constant series of “one thing comes together and then another thing falls apart.” 

As badly as I needed some good sleep, it wasn’t going to happen…because my mind was reeling. Unfortunately I know all too well from experience that there is no point in even crawling into bed when I’m in that state. So I went out into the living room and I decided to do my bible study homework that I had been putting off all day. But I couldn’t focus, so I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram (because that is always so helpful)… until I finally collapsed on the ground in tears. 

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12

Lately I’ve had the lyrics to this amazing worship song stuck in my head:

Tonight those lyrics were on repeat in my mind once again, and I finally was still long enough to realize that Jesus was calling out to me in those words. I’ve learned in my years of walking with Him that He often speaks to me through music. Its kind of our thing. 

So back to me on the floor crying. I finally surrendered and said “yes Lord, I’m broken… my heart, my body. I’m overwhelmed by my sin. I’m tired, I’m thirsty, I’m desperate for you. And if we are being honest, I’m angry and I am frustrated, too.” And although He did not audibly speak, I felt in my heart He was saying, “I’m calling, just answer.” And in that moment I realized that I spent all day pitying myself, complaining to friends, crying to my husband, being bummed out, trying to keep busy… when what I needed most was just to hear from Jesus, to answer His call and respond “yes Lord, let's talk... because I know You alone have what I need.” 

Being saved means you are going to heaven and nothing will ever change that. But it does not mean you always choose to walk in the Spirit and not the flesh. It is a daily choice, and lately I’ve been choosing wrong. And it shows in the symptoms that my mind and body are experiencing.  1 Thessalonians 5:19 says "Do not quench the Spirit." Paul is speaking to believers... People like me who he knows are prone to doing just that, and ending up in a tizzy. 

As I sat/layed there praying, my eyes were opened to the fact that the bulk of the pain & frustration in my life has come from unmet expectations. And not only in my relationships…but in my health, my dreams, my plans. And you know what hit me like a ton of bricks? Even my relationship with God has not met my expectations. Yikes!!!!! OF COURSE He has blessed me, but not exactly in the ways I WANT Him to. As thankful as I am for all He has given and forgiven, I realized that deep down I am bitter about what has not been fulfilled. Basically the attitude that I have sometimes is like saying, “God, I know you have saved me from the road to hell and placed me on the road to heaven only by your grace and mercy and goodness, but if we're being honest… I don’t love the view. Can I maybe get a better seat? Closer to the front? By a window? I’d love a snack and a blanket, too. And the sooner the better. I mean I'm really looking forward to heaven, but I’d like to be more comfortable on the journey.”  

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I totally relate to the Apostle Paul in Romans 7 when he says, “what a wretched man I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” When I am honest with myself, sometimes it is shocking how I really feel. Lord, forgive me!

So as much as I needed sleep, I needed a wake up call even more! The definition of expectation is “belief about the way things will or should be.” If I insist on my expectations being met on this highway to heaven, I am going to miss out on SO MUCH GOOD, because I will be spending the bulk of my time being disappointed. Yes, I’ll still make it there no matter how ungrateful or whiny I am. By His grace, He won’t ditch me somewhere along the way… but the ride won’t be near as enjoyable as it could be if all I focus on is how less than perfect it is from my perspective!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I'm thankful for the times God lovingly straightens me out. He allows us to feel the anxiety and the tension and the frustration to signal us that something is not right.  He is always there to show us the truth and to fill up our empty places that we try so hard to fill in other ways. And He is always calling, but never forces us to answer. I wish I wouldn't "ignore" Him so often before finally answering. If anyone deserves my full attention, it's Him.