I have to admit that ever since writing my last blog post, I have been really disturbed.  I really felt the need for a follow-up post.  Let me first say that this 'being transparent' thing does not come naturally to me.  I would truly prefer that you all saw mainly the good and very little of the not-so-good in me!  But for some reason, God has called me to show you the whole (sometimes ugly) truth.  It was once again embarrassing to admit to an unknown number of people who read my blog what I was honestly feeling and how ridiculous I've been acting. But it wasn't only that bothering me. I also realized that what I was feeling felt all too familiar.... and it took me a while to figure out why.  It wasn't until today that I remembered that just a few months ago I wrote a post on idolatry---trying to fill the voids in our lives with anything but God.  Wasn't that exactly what I was doing now? Did I already fall back into my old ways? Unfortunately, without even realizing it at first, the answer was yes.  I am starting to notice a pattern in my life and I know exactly how I got to where I am once again:

Less time in the Word + less time spent in prayer + more time facebooking, instagraming, watching television, etc. + seeking fulfillment outside of God in wordly things = bondage & emptiness

How quickly I find myself back in chains when I take my eyes off of Jesus and let Satan lure me back into self-destructiveness.  It's a slow fade to where you don't even know it's happening until you're in the bottom of a pit wondering how you got there.  Well, maybe some of you are more observant and see it happening, but I am usually like "Oh man, I was feeling so good not long ago and now my life is falling apart.  How did this happen?"  

When I am convicted of this and get my priorities back in order, this is what I notice happens:

More time in the Word + more prayerfulness + less time on social media and watching t.v. + seeking fulfillment only in The Lord and His promises = freedom & fulfillment

So here is what I have really been wrestling with lately;  Why, if I am fully aware of what causes bondage and what undoubtedly brings freedom, do I keep finding myself in bondage over and over again?  Especially when I know how good freedom feels and how awful bondage feels!  Also, if the Holy Spirit is living in me and never leaves me, why don't I experience His divine peace all the time and in every aspect of my life? God has opened my eyes this week to something I have never understood before.  He has taught me that you can experience freedom in some areas of your life while still being in bondage in others.  I experience momentary freedom in the area of my infertility when do what I should, such as pray, study the Bible, etc.--- but until I give Him full authority over that area of my life, I will continue to fall back into bondage and not experience lasting freedom.  Not because praying doesn't work or the Bible is not powerful, but because I can do those things without giving Him complete authority.  The Spirit of God is always in us, but He floods only the parts of our lives where He is in authority.  Like I said in my last post...He will not force Himself upon us.  He will not break down the walls unless we ask Him to.  Oh He has the power, but He desires a relationship, not a puppet show.  

I made the mistake of thinking that once I received the Holy Spirit, He would just kind of take over my life and lead the way and I would naturally be submissive and obedient to Him.  But thats not how it works. We have free will not only to decide whether or not to accept Jesus and Savior, but also to what degree we will enjoy the gift of His Spirit once it has been given.  If we do not practice humble obedience in every single area of our lives (even the areas where we desperately want to be our own God and call the shots) we will miss out on a whole lot of freedom and peace.  Trust me, I know.  I have not wanted to give God complete authority over my infertility because I am afraid of what that might mean.  I am afraid that He might lead me down a path that involves childlessness.  I am afraid that the fruitfulness He has planned for my life might never involve being physically fruitful. And that terrifies me.  

No matter how scared I am about what the future may or may not hold, I am even more afraid of living a life apart from God's will.  Jesus was ALWAYS obedient to the will of the Father in all things, even death.  His focus on doing the Father's will guided His life and His ministry.  What a perfect example!  He is the Sovereign and Almighty King.  He has never failed before and He won't start now.  It's time to let Him rule.