Good morning!  I wanted to give you an update on what has gone on the past few weeks with us.  I had the HSG procedure done and am happy to report that everything looked great!  My fallopian tubes were clear as could be and my uterus was the right shape.  Praise God!  My uterus did appear to be a little bit anteverted (tipped forward) which, according to my doctor, is very common and does not seem to effect fertility. It was so nice to finally hear that something is "normal" for a change.  I could get used to that! The procedure itself was not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be...just some mild cramping.  The radiology staff was so friendly and wonderful.  They explained everything they were doing step by step, gave me a warm blanket because I was freezing and were just very genuine people. The man who did the procedure walked me through each picture afterwards and explained it all to me.  I so appreciated being able to get unofficial results that day rather than having to wait for several days to hear anything. 

Like I said in a previous post, my OB-GYN suggested we do clomid one last time this month as well as IUI because fertility can be improved for a little while following an HSG procedure.   So I took the clomid days 5-7 of my cycle like usual.  I had the HSG on day 6 and went in for my vaginal ultrasound on day 13 to check for follicles. Unfortunately there was only one follicle and it was not quite mature. So my doctor had me come in again the next morning to check again.  The 2nd ultrasound on Saturday morning showed that the follicle (egg) had actually gotten smaller and my uterine lining was also thinner than normal.  This had never happened before.  The doctor explained that at some point your body can stop responding to the medication.  We talked about how it is probably time to just got ahead with the laparoscopic surgery to check for endometriosis, clean it out if needed and also do ovarian drilling because of all the small PCOS cysts on my right ovary that are there.  My ovary looks like a bunch of grapes.  Not a pretty sight.  But ovarian drilling?? I do not like the sound of that! Apparently it is where they "drill" a bunch of tiny holes all over your ovaries to drain out all of those small cysts. The goal is that your ovaries will function better after this is done.  I guess it makes sense.  My doctor wanted me to come back Monday to do one more ultrasound just to make sure, but warned us that most likely nothing will have changed.  

I had a rough day Saturday after this appointment.  We finally had some good news with the HSG being normal and we were hopeful that this last month of clomid and IUI might just be it for us! I was thankful to have one more chance before undergoing surgery.  But I ended up with no mature eggs and a poor uterine lining.  Not what we had in mind.  I totally broke down.  I cried and cried and cried all weekend long.  I was angry and frustrated that whenever we seem to get good news or something that makes us hopeful, it is always quickly followed by disappointment. Infertility is accompanied by a really bizarre kind of grieving because there is no closure.  There is no guarantee that any of the money spent, time spent, medications taken, procedures done, tears cried or prayers said will ever result in a baby in your arms.  That reality overwhelms me sometimes. I spent all day Saturday just wanting to be alone and and pitying myself.  That night I had a hard time falling to sleep and woke up wide awake Sunday morning at 3:30 a.m.  I laid there until 5 trying to go back to sleep, but just tossed and turned.  So I finally got up.  I felt like God woke me up to go spend some time with Him.  Even though I knew there was nothing I needed more, I just didn't feel like it.  But I went out in the living room and sat down with my Bible and tried to read.  I just stared at it and wasn't really getting anywhere.  So I closed it and got down on my knees and just poured my heart out to Jesus.  I didn't know what to say so I told Him that.  I told Him that I'm growing weary of praying the same prayers over and over and that I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  The words of a Sanctus Real song were my reality. "I bow my head to pray, I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how to fix the things I'm dealing with. I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight....but I just don't know how to let it all pour out.  And though I'm silent, my heart is crying...because I was made to come to You.  So I pray.  God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my needs, You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your Name, I'm gonna pray."  And I realized that I don't always need to be talking or reading.  Sometimes I just need to be with Jesus in the silence.  Sometimes I need to just listen.

I made some coffee and got ready for church feeling a little better.  I was part of the worship team that morning and I knew it was going to be a challenge to get through some of the songs on the set list. By now,  those who have been reading my blog know how very powerful music is to me.  I love to worship God through music and singing, and I feel like He often speaks to me through music as well. So as we were singing, "Blessed be Your Name, on the road marked with suffering.  Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your Name...."  my heart was overcome.  Often I am really hard on myself for periodically falling into these ruts and being outwardly upset, angry or frustrated.  I wonder what it does for my testimony as a Christian?  But in that moment, as I was worshipping Him, these words encouraged me.  Right now I am on a road marked with suffering and there is definitely pain in my offering.... but there is still an offering. Sometimes I don't have much to give, but I still try to give what I have to Jesus.  I still want Him to receive glory and I want His Name to be blessed. I have to remember that He is the Creator of emotions.  It is no surprise to Him that I experience all of these different feelings.  I am made in His image.  The difference is that God is emotionally perfect and I am emotionally imperfect.  He is always just in His jealousy and righteous in His anger, where I sometimes am not.  He knew I was going to have struggles in this life and not be able to always handle my emotions in a sinless way and that is what His grace is all about.  When I confess my sins and repent, He is faithful to provide everything thing I need to to get through whatever this life may bring.  He will never leave. What a beautiful reality!

Monday morning Corey and I had the appointment with my doctor. We went in planning to schedule the surgery and ask questions.  We did the ultrasound as planned and much to our surprise, the follicle that had shrunk on Saturday was now mature!  So, they gave me the HCG trigger shot and scheduled IUI (insemination) for yesterday. We definitely did not think we were going to even have a chance to get pregnant this month and had pretty much accepted it.  This was totally a God thing!  Maybe surgery is not part of His plan for me. Maybe it is.  We can only hope He will answer our prayers this month and bless us with a healthy pregnancy and baby!  If that does not happen, we are planning to move ahead with the laparoscopy surgery next month.  It will be nice to get it over with. For now, we will just focus on the present and continue to believe in God's perfect will for us, whatever that may be.  

Several months ago, my dear friend, Page, sent me a Facebook message with a link to the article below. She said that she was crying and praying for Corey as she read it and she wanted to share it with me.  I am so glad she did! Please take a few moments to read this very well-said post by a man who has been where my husband now stands.

http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/#sthash.Zqar7LC1.dpbs

I have read and re-read this article so many times. What I love so much about it is that it so accurately depicts the male perspective of the infertility journey. The man so often gets overlooked. I think it is because men are often trying to be strong for their wives and don't usually talk about how helpless or frustrated they feel during this vicious cycle. People don't realize that it is really hard on the guys, too. Today my man will not get overlooked.  Like Page, I am crying and praying for Corey today.  It is a day devoted to honoring fathers, and I wish with all my heart that he was one of them. I know what an incredible father he would be!  I dream about watching him rock our newborn baby and teaching our kids how to pray. I dream about little ones following him around wanting to do everything he does and to be just like him.  I dream about him reading bedtime stories and playing with our kids in the yard. I dream about looking at my children and seeing him in them. I want so badly to be able to make all of that a reality.  But no matter how badly I want it, it is something only God can give.  So I continue to have hope that someday he will bless my husband with the gift of fatherhood.  I continue to believe he will give beauty for ashes.  

Whew! It’s about time I sit down and do some blogging. I have been in the process of starting my own photography business and finally got it launched a few weeks ago!  It was a lot more work to get it up and running than I expected.  But it feels good to have it done so now I can do what I really want to do… take pictures! My new website is www.chelseynicholsphotography.com if you want to check it out.  Besides being busy getting the photography business going, I have also had a serious case of writer’s block.  The combination of the two has kept me away for over a month! I’m really not sure if it is cured yet, so hopefully you aren’t expecting anything too insightful from this brain today.  

I wish I could say that since you haven’t heard from me in a while, it means that no news is good news. Unfortunately, that is not the case.  It turns out that I’m still not pregnant. Sigh! Besides the usual disappointment we experience each month, Corey and I have also found ourselves at a bit of a crossroads this month.  For the past 6 months, we have been doing the clomid / follicle ultrasound / IUI /progesterone process.  We did our first 6 month round of clomid a year and a half ago, got pregnant while taking it but ended up having a miscarriage.  My doctor suggested we try another round of clomid, this time adding in IUI and progesterone and monitoring me with monthly follicle ultrasounds. Well, May was our 6th month of round 2, which means after this month, no more clomid.  The fact that I have not gotten pregnant again in 14 months with all of this help also begs the question, “why?”  I mean we found out I had PCOS and have been treating it, I’ve been taking clomid and my ovaries have seemed to respond to it really well, my eggs have looked good nearly every month, sperm counts have been great, we have done 2 IUI's and I’ve been taking progesterone.  Everything seemed to be falling into place perfectly and the odds were in our favor. But I’m still not pregnant. 

My mind can’t help but wonder if there is something else going on.  I know my doctor is wondering the same thing.  Basically the only 2 things we have not yet ruled out are blocked fallopian tubes and endometriosis. The next step is going to be an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) procedure that I will have done tomorrow afternoon at the hospital.  This is a test where they inject dye into the uterus and fallopian tubes and take X-rays to check for blockage and also make sure the uterus is not an abnormal shape.  Apparently sometimes the test itself can clear some mild blockage, so that is what I am hoping for. Well, that or no blockage at all!  If the test shows moderate to complete blockage on both sides, we will most likely be heading to Little Rock or Tulsa to meet with with an infertility specialist to discuss our options.  If this is the case, an exploratory laparotomy to look for endometriosis and attempt to clear the tubes would probably be in my near future. We shall see.  Sometimes the blockage can be cleared and sometimes it cannot.  I’m trying not to think too far ahead or worry about all the different “what ifs.” It won’t do me any good! For now I am just focusing on the matter at hand, praying for a smooth procedure and good results and remembering that God has this whole situation in His hands.  He always has and He always will.  I have to remind myself that no efforts to get pregnant on our part will be successful unless God wills it.  He may be the one preventing it from happening for one reason or another. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.  Isaiah 55:8.  But I trust that He is good and holy and that He always has my best interest at heart, even when the road He has me on is not the road I would have chosen for myself.

Corey and I would greatly appreciate your prayers during this time of transition.  I have a feeling we are going to be needing to make some big decisions in the coming weeks.  We desperately need godly wisdom and guidance.  We are hoping for either clear answers or clear direction on where we need to go next. Also, I would ask you to please pray for strength and patience for me physically. Sometimes I get so tired of so much being done to my body! I have to take many medications with unpleasant side effects, have monthly vaginal ultrasounds, occasional blood draws, IUI’s and other procedures….it can be very draining and there is no end in sight. 

 Thank you all so much! I will definitely keep you updated.