I cannot tell you how good it feels to be sitting here on my comfortable couch with my dog curled up next to me right now! After a very fun and very busy 11 days in Nebraska, and after being on the go trying to catch up on life since I got home Monday... I am in desperate need of a few moments to unwind and decompress.  I'm finally allowing myself to do that.  So with my laptop on my lap, and my feet kicked up, I'm ready to share my heart with you once again.  

I lit a candle this morning, which I don't do very often, but today I did for some reason.  It is sitting on the table in front of me and I just keep staring at it.  The flame draws me in and I get lost for a few moments.  I can't help but think of all the things a candle and/or flame signify.  They represent a light in the darkness, are the way a couple demonstrates their unity at their wedding, signs of remembrance for those who have gone before us, etc.  In the Bible, The Holy Spirit came upon the disciples as tongues of fire (Acts 2:3) and Jesus proclaims that He is the Light of the World (John 8:12).  For me, candles also often bring me to a place of thoughtfulness and prayerfulness.  

As I pull my attention away from the flickering flame and back onto the computer screen, I say with a heavy heart that this journal/blog entry is not going to be quite like I planned.  I was planning to get back from my extended "Tour of Nebraska" visiting family and friends and tell you all about how awesome and wonderful and amazing it was.  No bad news, no tears, no worries... that was the plan. And just so you know, it was awesome and wonderful and amazing in so many ways!  I got to spend time with nearly all of my family members who are spread out across Nebraska, I  had some good alone time in the car driving and listening to an amazing audiobook, jamming out and praying.  I was able to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in years and visit friends who I see every time I'm home.  I got to do 2 great photo shoots and attend my cousin's wedding.  That  was all awesome!  I am so thankful that my flexible schedule and supportive husband allow me to take off for 11 days for trips like this!  

God knew I needed to be in Nebraska at that time and He put that on my heart.  It truly wasn't the best timing... being that I just had surgery and was still supposed to be on my couch recovering and taking it easy, rather than driving 20 hours roundtrip by myself and being on the go constantly.  But I was bound and determined to go at that time and I didn't really know why...  I just was.  I was set to take off for Nebraska on Friday, August 8th.  A few weeks before that, my Mom had a routine physical and the blood work they drew showed that her white blood cells were slightly elevated.  Her doctor repeated the test a few weeks later and the number increased greatly.... from 14,000 to 22,000.  So, her family doctor recommended that she see a hematologist, just to be safe.  I should mention that between the first and second blood draws, she had bunion surgery on her foot. I ended up deciding to go back a day earlier than planned to go to that appointment with my Mom and stepdad, Dennis.  Mom was hobbling around on her crutches with a big smile on her face when I walked into the office to meet them.  She was just so happy I was home and so certain that her wacky lab results had to be related to the surgery that I don't think it even crossed her mind that it could be something more.  It was just too coincidental she kept saying.  But the white blood cells were elevated before the surgery & thats what scared me. Deep in my heart I knew it was more. So, we met with the doctor and he talked about some different possibilities, but overall seemed pretty upbeat and and just wanted to do some more blood work to rule some things out. They made her another appointment for a week later to go over the results.  So, the week went by and before we knew it we were sitting in his office again.  I don't think anything could have prepared my Mom for what she heard when he walked in the room.  "The blood work came back and confirmed that you have chronic lymphocytic leukemia...  Jennifer, you have cancer."  I could feel my heart start pounding and my face turning red with heat.  The tears followed almost instantly.  There was no holding them back.  I kept looking at my Mom who sat there so in shock, listening to what the doctor was saying and trying to take it all in. It wasn't until we got to the car that she let it go and really began to cry.  The 3 of us spent some time sitting in the car in the parking lot just talking, crying and praying. What more could we do?  We are not sure yet what the next steps will be.  She had more blood work drawn a few days ago to determine how aggressive the cells are and whether or not she needs chemotherapy at this time.  We are praying she won't need it now or ever!  Some people are able to lead a pretty 'normal' life with chronic leukemia, they just have to be more careful about getting sick and make sure to do preventative measures like flu shots, etc.  I'm hoping with everything in me that she will be one of those people!

I am so glad I was able to be with my Mom during all of this to support her, hold her hand, give hugs, pray and cry with her.  I hope my presence brought her some comfort.  As I said before, God knew I needed to be there, for her sake and mine.  As a daughter, my heart is hurting for my Mom.  She has lost both of her parents to death in the past year, had surgery a month ago and now this life changing news.  The poor girl needs a break!  I feel so helpless. But at the same time, as a believer, I am able to see this trial through a godly perspective.  I see now that The Lord didn't lay it on my heart a few months ago to do all that studying and learning about trials through 1 Peter 1:6-9 and James 1:2-12 just for my own current struggles, but also to prepare me for this.  I feel like He is whispering in my heart, "Ok, you've talked the talk, now are you going to walk the walk? You've proclaimed that you believe that I am good and that all My ways are good, so will you keep proclaiming?  You believe I have allowed you to go through infertility because I love you,  do you believe I'm allowing your Mom to go through leukemia because I love her too? Do you truly believe I have a greater purpose in this and that it is not in vain?"  Man, those are some tough questions.  But the answer to all of them is a resounding YES!  

Mom, I know this is an uncertain and frightening time for you.  It is hard not to know what the future holds or how this cancer will affect your life.  If I can offer you 2 pieces of encouragement, they are this: 

1) "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.... Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:2-12

2) You are so very loved 

As my attention is drawn back to the flame that is burning before me, I lift up my sweet Momma in prayer before the Lord.  He is the Light of the World and I can't imagine walking through the darkness without Him. Please God, give her peace in the storm, the strength to move on and lavish Your great love upon her every step of the way. Amen.

Post Surgery Update

I am so thankful that my surgery is now in the past and that I am writing this update feeling pretty darn good one week out!  I am beyond grateful for all the encouragement and love we have received. Between my birthday and the surgery,  I have been incredibly spoiled with cards, gifts, meals, texts, facebook messages, phone calls... and most importantly, all the prayers that have been said on my behalf! So many people loving on me in their own special ways.  What a blessing every bit of it has been!    

I had such a peace about the surgery, even up to the moment they wheeled me into the operating room.  I could feel God's presence. The surgery itself went very well according to my doctor! He did find some mild endometriosis, which he was able to completely remove. Praise The Lord! Most of it was located between my uterus and abdominal wall, which explained some of the symptoms I had been having.  He also drained several cysts off of both of my ovaries.  One of the cysts on my right ovary was very large.  He felt like the surgery was definitely needed and should increase our chances of getting pregnant!  We are so happy not only to have it over with, but to have some answers as well.  We now know that I did in fact have some endometriosis.  We also know that there is nothing else unusual going on in there.  He did not see any abnormalities in my anatomy or any unusual scar tissue or anything else that might be of concern.  Not only did we get answers, but we also got some things corrected.  The endometriosis tissue that was there has been removed and the cysts on my ovaries have been drained.  Unfortunately, both the endometriosis and the cysts may return at some point.  My doctor says the best way to keep endometriosis at bay is to get pregnant soon.  We are hoping and praying that is God's will! Corey and I are both summer babies and we would love to have a sweet summer baby of our own :) We continue to trust that if part of God's plan involves us being parents, He will bless us with that opportunity at the perfect time.  

The surgery was done outpatient, so I was able to come home and did not have to stay overnight in the hospital. The evening of the surgery I was still pretty loopy from all the drugs they gave me, but I didn't have any pain, so that was a plus!  The next couple of days I experienced a lot more pain, cramping and bloating... but it was manageable with the pain pills.  A whole lot of sleeping occurred in that 3 days span.  By Saturday, I started to feel more alive and each day since then has continually gotten better and better.  My hubby took such great care of me through it all!

Speaking of my hubby, today is our 4 year anniversary!!!!  I am so proud to be married to that man!  I could cry buckets right now just thinking about all the amazingly good and incredibly hard times we have already experienced together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we continue to learn and to grow with each passing year, by God's grace.  It is such a beautiful thing to be a part of!  I have been thinking today about how I had so many unrealistic expectations coming into this marriage and to be honest, he failed at meeting most of them.  But at the same time,  he somehow ended up exceeding all of them by showing me that this real, genuine, imperfect love we share is so much better than the fairy tale I thought I wanted.  What a great lesson that I really needed to learn.  God is so good! He knew just what I needed in a husband, in a life partner and in a better half.  What a journey it has been already. Thank you Corey Christopher for loving me unconditionally, providing for me, supporting me in my endeavors, helping me grow in my faith and being my rock!  I absolutely love the fun, silly, smart, courageous guy that you are. You make life so much sweeter!  And to think, our love for each other is only a glimpse of God's love for us... amazing!  

"In your eyes I see forever, makes me wish that my life never knew the day before you. Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you were shaping my heart for the that day I found you. If you're the reason for all that I've been through, then I'm thankful for the day before you. Now you're here and everything's changing.  Suddenly life means so much! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and find out this promise is true. I will never have to go back to the day before you."  Those are a few of the lyrics from the song we chose for our first dance on our wedding day. Still so appropriate and they mean even more now than they did then :)

So, now what?  I'm 30, I'm post surgery and it's my anniversary.  All I can say is "cheers" to a great decade and a new chapter in the story of my life!  I can rest knowing that the Author knows exactly what He is doing.  So far I can't complain... after all, I've never been one for a boring book!