I cannot tell you how good it feels to be sitting here on my comfortable couch with my dog curled up next to me right now! After a very fun and very busy 11 days in Nebraska, and after being on the go trying to catch up on life since I got home Monday... I am in desperate need of a few moments to unwind and decompress.  I'm finally allowing myself to do that.  So with my laptop on my lap, and my feet kicked up, I'm ready to share my heart with you once again.  

I lit a candle this morning, which I don't do very often, but today I did for some reason.  It is sitting on the table in front of me and I just keep staring at it.  The flame draws me in and I get lost for a few moments.  I can't help but think of all the things a candle and/or flame signify.  They represent a light in the darkness, are the way a couple demonstrates their unity at their wedding, signs of remembrance for those who have gone before us, etc.  In the Bible, The Holy Spirit came upon the disciples as tongues of fire (Acts 2:3) and Jesus proclaims that He is the Light of the World (John 8:12).  For me, candles also often bring me to a place of thoughtfulness and prayerfulness.  

As I pull my attention away from the flickering flame and back onto the computer screen, I say with a heavy heart that this journal/blog entry is not going to be quite like I planned.  I was planning to get back from my extended "Tour of Nebraska" visiting family and friends and tell you all about how awesome and wonderful and amazing it was.  No bad news, no tears, no worries... that was the plan. And just so you know, it was awesome and wonderful and amazing in so many ways!  I got to spend time with nearly all of my family members who are spread out across Nebraska, I  had some good alone time in the car driving and listening to an amazing audiobook, jamming out and praying.  I was able to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in years and visit friends who I see every time I'm home.  I got to do 2 great photo shoots and attend my cousin's wedding.  That  was all awesome!  I am so thankful that my flexible schedule and supportive husband allow me to take off for 11 days for trips like this!  

God knew I needed to be in Nebraska at that time and He put that on my heart.  It truly wasn't the best timing... being that I just had surgery and was still supposed to be on my couch recovering and taking it easy, rather than driving 20 hours roundtrip by myself and being on the go constantly.  But I was bound and determined to go at that time and I didn't really know why...  I just was.  I was set to take off for Nebraska on Friday, August 8th.  A few weeks before that, my Mom had a routine physical and the blood work they drew showed that her white blood cells were slightly elevated.  Her doctor repeated the test a few weeks later and the number increased greatly.... from 14,000 to 22,000.  So, her family doctor recommended that she see a hematologist, just to be safe.  I should mention that between the first and second blood draws, she had bunion surgery on her foot. I ended up deciding to go back a day earlier than planned to go to that appointment with my Mom and stepdad, Dennis.  Mom was hobbling around on her crutches with a big smile on her face when I walked into the office to meet them.  She was just so happy I was home and so certain that her wacky lab results had to be related to the surgery that I don't think it even crossed her mind that it could be something more.  It was just too coincidental she kept saying.  But the white blood cells were elevated before the surgery & thats what scared me. Deep in my heart I knew it was more. So, we met with the doctor and he talked about some different possibilities, but overall seemed pretty upbeat and and just wanted to do some more blood work to rule some things out. They made her another appointment for a week later to go over the results.  So, the week went by and before we knew it we were sitting in his office again.  I don't think anything could have prepared my Mom for what she heard when he walked in the room.  "The blood work came back and confirmed that you have chronic lymphocytic leukemia...  Jennifer, you have cancer."  I could feel my heart start pounding and my face turning red with heat.  The tears followed almost instantly.  There was no holding them back.  I kept looking at my Mom who sat there so in shock, listening to what the doctor was saying and trying to take it all in. It wasn't until we got to the car that she let it go and really began to cry.  The 3 of us spent some time sitting in the car in the parking lot just talking, crying and praying. What more could we do?  We are not sure yet what the next steps will be.  She had more blood work drawn a few days ago to determine how aggressive the cells are and whether or not she needs chemotherapy at this time.  We are praying she won't need it now or ever!  Some people are able to lead a pretty 'normal' life with chronic leukemia, they just have to be more careful about getting sick and make sure to do preventative measures like flu shots, etc.  I'm hoping with everything in me that she will be one of those people!

I am so glad I was able to be with my Mom during all of this to support her, hold her hand, give hugs, pray and cry with her.  I hope my presence brought her some comfort.  As I said before, God knew I needed to be there, for her sake and mine.  As a daughter, my heart is hurting for my Mom.  She has lost both of her parents to death in the past year, had surgery a month ago and now this life changing news.  The poor girl needs a break!  I feel so helpless. But at the same time, as a believer, I am able to see this trial through a godly perspective.  I see now that The Lord didn't lay it on my heart a few months ago to do all that studying and learning about trials through 1 Peter 1:6-9 and James 1:2-12 just for my own current struggles, but also to prepare me for this.  I feel like He is whispering in my heart, "Ok, you've talked the talk, now are you going to walk the walk? You've proclaimed that you believe that I am good and that all My ways are good, so will you keep proclaiming?  You believe I have allowed you to go through infertility because I love you,  do you believe I'm allowing your Mom to go through leukemia because I love her too? Do you truly believe I have a greater purpose in this and that it is not in vain?"  Man, those are some tough questions.  But the answer to all of them is a resounding YES!  

Mom, I know this is an uncertain and frightening time for you.  It is hard not to know what the future holds or how this cancer will affect your life.  If I can offer you 2 pieces of encouragement, they are this: 

1) "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.... Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:2-12

2) You are so very loved 

As my attention is drawn back to the flame that is burning before me, I lift up my sweet Momma in prayer before the Lord.  He is the Light of the World and I can't imagine walking through the darkness without Him. Please God, give her peace in the storm, the strength to move on and lavish Your great love upon her every step of the way. Amen.