I was at a gathering the other night where almost half of the women were expecting, showing & absolutely glowing.  I was only there for a few minutes when it became obvious that cravings, ultrasounds and baby names were going to be the main topics of conversation that evening.  Can you blame them?  That is all I would want to talk about too if I were in their shoes! And as I stood there feeling completely out of place, most of the other women there could relate and add to the conversation because they too had experienced childbirth and had beautiful children of their own.  I know none of these girls were purposely rubbing it in my face.  In fact, some of them probably don't even know my story, and the ones who do should not be expected to walk on egg shells around me or feel like they can't talk about that hugely important part of their lives. I've gotten pretty used to these conversations because about 90% of my friends and family members anywhere near my age are now moms. Usually I am able to handle it totally fine. I truly want to be able to share their experience with them and be a part of it, just as I hope they will want to share mine with me if I get that chance. But that night, I found myself in a moment of weakness.  I tried not to let it show while I was there, but as soon as I left I broke down. I think it was just too much all at once and at an already difficult time.   

What most people don't know or have forgotten is that this week marks two very painful things for us. Three years ago, Corey and I went to the doctor for our first pregnancy visit and ultrasound.  We had known we were pregnant for about 6 weeks and were busting at the seams to finally tell our families and friends the good news on Christmas!  It was so hard to keep it a secret.  I was almost 10 weeks along. We had gotten each of our parents a little frame with a place to put the ultrasound picture and on the other side was this poem: 

Here's a little peek at me, it shows I'm on the way, 

Little grand babies like me don't happen every day.  

I'm busy growing strong and one day soon we'll meet, 

I can't wait to hug and kiss, the moment will be sweet. 

For now dream of me, and the things we'll do,

Explore, sing, laugh and play...just to name a few. 

Save a special place for me to grow inside your heart,

We will be forever friends, a love that never parts.

I hope you'll share your joy with friends both new and old.

A little grandbaby to love will soon be yours to hold.  

We just needed that ultrasound picture to put in the frame so we could wrap them up and have our parents open them on Christmas! Our excitement and anticipation that day would be met with shock and despair when our 1st ultrasound revealed that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. So rather than spending Christmas announcing and celebrating, we spent Christmas crying and trying to cope.  It is a feeling I can't explain knowing the child inside of your is lifeless and waiting nervously and helplessly for him or her to "pass."  I was terrified to use the bathroom during that time.  Two days after Christmas I had not yet miscarried so my doctor decided that I would need a d&c surgery to remove the fetus.  It was all just horrible.  That precious angel was due to be born on my birthday.  

Almost a year and a half later, we found out we were pregnant again!  You can imagine our excitement.  This baby was due the week before Christmas.  I really saw God's hand in the timing. You give and take away.  He had taken our precious baby from us at Christmas time and now He was going to bless us with a precious baby at Christmas.  A few weeks later I began bleeding heavily and miscarried at 6 weeks.  Our 2nd little angel would have likely been born almost exactly a year ago and we would most likely be celebrating a first birthday right now. I have not been pregnant again since then...almost 2 years later. 

So needless to say, as much as I love Christmas and all that it represents, there is a sting I cannot deny when this time of year comes around.  I grieve for what I have lost and for what might have been.  The last few nights I have not slept well and have been crying off and on throughout the days. I am plagued by thoughts of whether they would have been boys or girls, what they would have looked like & how great it would feel to hold them close and kiss them.  I am overwhelmed with memories of the miscarriages and the days surrounding them.  The feelings are just as real now as they were then.  My empty arms weigh heavily on my heart this Christmas. 

Yesterday I decided to get out my Bible and read the chapters surrounding Christ's birth.  I hoped maybe it would help me get my mind right and refocus back onto the Baby who came down from heaven to save my life.  It had been too long since I had read those verses and I am so glad I did.  It was so good to be reminded that as it looked to the world, Mary was pregnant out of wedlock and probably disowned by her family.  Joseph was engaged to a pregnant woman and was very likely disrespected by his people for standing by her and protecting her, when according to their law she should have been stoned.  Jesus was born in in a dirty barn.  When He was only a few days old they had to flee for their lives to avoid being killed.  As much as we like to embellish the story to make it seem oh so lovely, it was anything but.  It was messy, it was hard.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph did not have it easy.  What an unexpected comfort that is to me this Christmas.  I have been beating myself up for feeling down at what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.  I often feel alone and like no one understands what I am going through.  But that is so far from the truth.  The One who was born into a filthy place, who was rejected by most He encountered, who was tempted by the Devil, who was accused of blasphemy on multiple occasions, who was betrayed, who was beaten and killed although he was completely innocent.... He understands.  There is nothing on this earth that I could ever go through that He does not sympathize with. (Hebrews 4:15) I don't think it is any surprise to The Creator of feelings that I am having feelings. I weep, He wept. I feel loneliness, He was forsaken by His own Father on the cross. I get angry, He got angry. I have jealousy, He is jealous for me. Of course He is completely sinless in His feelings and I am not. But thats another discussion for another time. What I am trying to get at is that my life does not feel like a perfectly wrapped package with a beautiful bow on top this Christmas. And maybe instead of beating myself up about it, I should be thankful. If it were, I don't know that I would truly appreciate Him this Christmas. I feel like because of the mess and the dents and the heartache, I am even more thankful He came and more aware of how much I need Him. And because I am hurting, I am able to sympathize with Him and Mary and Joseph as well. It is amazing what some time in His Word can do. I went in feeling ashamed and came out feeling like He would prefer me this way, messy and tattered and real....desperately in need of Him, rather than puffed up with pride and feeling like I have it all together.  

I hope this brings comfort to anyone reading this who may be feeling a little messy this Christmas.  Know that we have a Savior who is attracted to brokenness, to humility, to authenticity.... and who longs to heal our hearts, not our outward appearances.  He brings everlasting joy, even when temporary happiness eludes us.  Go to Him with whatever weight you are carrying.  He understands.  

"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful..." 

These words are so true right now!  It is an extremely gloomy day, there are pellets of freezing rain hitting my windows, but I am wrapped up in a blanket sitting on the floor next to my fireplace.  I'm so glad to be in here and not out there!  Besides Christmas and all of its awesomeness, I have to really try hard to find the joys of winter.  But I can tell you that my fireplace definitely is one of them!  And snow is fantastic... for like a week ...and then I'm ready for it to go away.  I really dislike being cold and being cooped up inside for months at a time, which is why I'm so thankful Christmas falls at this time in the year because it just makes winter so much better!  The Christmas lights, Christmas music, Christmas cards, Christmas decorations, Christmas movies, Christmas parties... I love it all!  

And then there are all those delicious Christmas goodies!  Most people who know me know that I really like to bake.  And then I love to take what I've made and give it to people.  It seems like I am always making something for someone. I personally think food should be a love language.  Making and giving food is such a fun & tangible way to show you care and to make someone's day! And I have found it to be the case whenever I give anything to anyone, I end up being blessed just as much or more than the recipient.  On the other hand, it is not very much fun to bake for yourself or for your husband who really doesn't care much for sweets.  You end up A) eating it all by yourself and feeling miserable or B) he greets your hours of time spent baking with a big fat "no thanks."   That is until I make chocolate dipped peanut butter ritz cracker sandwiches!  Side note: How can these amazingly delicious things not have a better name?  Corey thinks 'Corey Crack' is pretty fitting :) You should see his face light up when I surprise him with a fresh batch of these babies!  He will literally eat 10 of them at a time.  Think cookie monster. So today I thought I would share this extremely easy recipe with you all so you can treat your husband, friends, family and yourself with them sometime!  Warning: highly addictive!

What you will need:

Ritz Crackers
Creamy peanut butter
Chocolate almond bark

First, begin by assembling the sandwiches.  Using a butter knife, spread some peanut butter onto a ritz cracker.  Don't be stingy!  Then place another ritz cracker on top.  Repeat until you have as many sandwiches as you want to make at one time.  I have found that one package of almond bark will get you through about 3 sleeves of crackers.  So if you plan to make the whole box you may want to grab 2 packages of almond bark.  Once you are done putting the crackers and peanut butter together, place the almond bark in a saucepan and melt over low heat, stirring frequently.  Once it is melted, use a fork to dip the sandwiches in the chocolate.  Flip over until completely coated and then transfer to a sheet of wax paper.  Continue in the same way with the rest of them.  Cool completely. Store in an airtight container and watch them disappear before your eyes!

Look at that sheer joy on his face!!  I'm so glad there is at least one sweet thing I can make that he enjoys and appreciates :)  

I want to share one more recipe with you because it is just sooo yummy this time of year!  It is my pumpkin chocolate chip bread.  Friends and family have tested and approved this bread and some have been known to even beg me for it from time to time.  Although there are a few more ingredients needed, this recipe is also very easy... because things don't always have to be complicated to be good! You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Ingredients:

3 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
4 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 cups canned pumpkin
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

In a large bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, salt and baking soda.  In another bowl, beat the eggs, sugar, pumpkin and oil.  Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Pour into 2 greased 8x4x2 inch loaf pans or 4 mini loaf pans.  Bake at 350 degrees for 60-70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean.  You're going to love how amazing this bread makes your house smell!  Keep a loaf for your family and give the other to someone you love. P.S. if you are making mini loaves, take 10-15 minutes off the baking time.  

One last thing!  I got to host my second annual cookie exchange party this past Saturday.  I had so much fun hanging out with my girlfriends, drinking hot cocoa and cider and decorating sugar cookies!  You should see the awesome assortment of Christmas goodies we each ended up with when it was all said and done.  I'm loving this new tradition.  And the ugly sweaters were the icing on the cake... I mean cookies! 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas!  Let your heart be light.  Love ~ Chelsey 

It has been so long since I logged into my blog that I almost forgot the password! That's pretty bad. Obviously I have not taken the time or the effort to write lately.   I've honestly considered whether or not I should just quit blogging all together.  Sometimes I really love to write and I feel so open and eager to share with you my struggles and what God has done in my life.  But other times, (lately) I kind of feel like being closed off and anything but transparent.  It isn't easy to show you my pain and my weaknesses again and again. But if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that God is faithful to finish what He starts.  He makes beautiful things out of the dust, and out of us.  Sometimes we don't feel like doing what He calls us to do, but are still called to be obedient regardless.  I have learned that my feelings are completely unreliable, and they cannot see past my current circumstances.  I truly believe that me doing this blog was because of God's leading and it would be a mistake for me to quit it in the middle of the story, before He is truly glorified and before whatever He wants to accomplish through it has been accomplished. I have been told that this blog has touched some of your lives and your kindness and love for us have certainly touched mine.  So those reasons are my motivation to keep truckin', even when it is hard. I'm going to try and do a better job of blogging more often just about fun, random stuff!  Not that my life is terribly interesting or exciting.  But it is so good for me to think about and write about all the good things in it none the less!  

The latest news is that I will be going to an infertility specialist in Little Rock in mid-January.  After our consultation, we will consider & pray about our options, which will most likely include and might even be limited to in-vitro fertilization. We hoped and believed that we would never get to the point, but it is now where we find ourselves.  In the meantime,  we are going to do our best to focus on each other and on enjoying this wonderful holiday season! What a perfect time to regroup and remember what all God has done for us, like coming into this world at all.  God humbled Himself to the extent of becoming a human, being born in a barn, living a hard life and dying an excruciating death all because He loved me and wanted me to be His child.  Same with you. When I really stop to think about it, it is truly amazing!  I want to keep a proper perspective of His birth and death and not let it just become a nice story like it so easily can.  

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Christmas season!  May your days be low in stress and high in joy.  As usual, I want to leave you with a song :)  This one gives me chills. All I can say is Hallelujah!