I'm not really sure how to begin this post.  There are a whole lot of different emotions swirling around in me right now! It feels weird to say that we are actually and officially doing in vitro fertilization (IVF).  I had a blood test on Friday confirming that I was once again not pregnant. Although that news is not terribly surprising, it is still disappointing.  We had hoped that we would be one of those couples who happened to get pregnant right before their IVF cycle was supposed to begin.  But that's just not going to be our story.

I am sad, really sad.  How deeply I longed to create a new life naturally... just me, my husband and God, in the privacy of our home.  I honestly feel robbed of the joy & excitement of trying to have a baby. I always dreamed that the "act" that led to me getting pregnant would be a very intimate occasion.  I have to remind myself that it was, twice before when 2 little angels were created....so for that I am thankful. We've experienced the happy beginning, just not the happy ending.  My dream was never to have a petri dish baby, and it makes me sad to think about how very cold and formal the whole thing will likely be.

But at the same time, I am grateful, really grateful.  I praise Jesus that IVF is even an option and that I am a good candidate!  If it was not the case, I'm afraid we would be at the end of the road, scientifically speaking.  I am continually reminded about how often He uses technology for good.  I personally don't think God is against everything science or technology related. There may be areas of science that go against His Word (think darwinism), but overall I think most of our advancements in technology and science are thanks of God.  There is no way the human race could ever do all the amazing things we've done apart from Him. He gives the wisdom to the scientists and doctors.  So many people are healed of cancer with chemo and/or radiation, many people have babies after IVF and many people's lives are saved by being on a ventilator.  He uses it for good.  I think the key is to keep God in His rightful place... above it all.  Recognizing that all good things come from Him and not letting these other things take away His glory. Somehow science has convinced some people that there is no God.  For me, it has only added to my absolute certainty that there is.  He has continued opening doors for us and I am grateful.

I am nervous, really nervous.  You'd think I'd be used to the fear of the unknown by now, but I'm not. How is my body going to react to the medications?  Will any part of the process hurt?  What if we make all these trips to Little Rock, pay all this money, have my body poked-prodded-stimulated more than its ever been and still get bad news?  Of course it would all be worth it if we end up with a healthy baby in my womb, but how will I handle it if that is not the case?  The stakes are higher than they have ever been before.  These are only some of the questions going through my head.  I've always struggled with anxiety, so I know that going through this process and managing to keep my stress levels at a minimum will take some serious prayer.  Philippians 4:6-7 over and over again will be my sanity.

I am also excited, really excited.  Let's face it, statistically this is the best chance we've ever had!  The average woman having unprotected sex has a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant each month.  With the IUI's (insemination) we've done, that chance went up to about 22%.  My specialist says that with my age and conditions, my chance of pregnancy with IVF is 50-60%, depending on the health of the embryos. Of course I wish it was 100%, but it is still over double any statistical numbers we've been given before! Both of my friends who have had IVF at this same clinic had success and have beautiful children that came from it.  God works in mysterious ways.  Why do I find myself going down this IVF road when I know for sure He has always had the power to give me a baby and could have done it at any moment?  I have no idea. But it is exciting to be on this crazy, wild ride...not knowing what's ahead but knowing He's holding it all and that He has something big planned for me and Corey.  Our chances are like a flip of a coin, but God is the flipper. If He wants us to have a baby, we'll have a baby.  If He doesn't, we won't.  So really, its not a thing of chance at all.  It's exciting to think this could be the month & the way He chooses to answer thousands of prayers!

Our "IVF class" is Wednesday, February 18th in Little Rock.  This is where we will get all the in-depth info, the schedule, meds, etc.  I will begin taking the medications and have an ultrasound and blood work done every few days (here locally) to monitor how my ovaries are reacting.  Once my eggs reach a certain point, we will go back down to LR for the egg retrival.  I will be put to sleep for that.  Then the eggs will each be placed in their own petri dish and the sperm will be added to each dish.  The doctor told us that on average, about 60% of the eggs will get fertilized. Out of those 60%, approximately 1/3 of them will survive and thrive.  For example, if we start with 10 eggs, it is likely we would end up with 2 healthy embryos.  They watch the embryos for 3-5 days and depending on how they are doing, either transfer them into my body on day 3 or day 5.  If they do well and make it to day 5, that increases the chance of success.  So its 50% if we transfer on day 3 and 60% if we transfer on day 5.  This is all assuming we end up with any healthy embryos, Lord willing!  The doctor showed us pictures of eggs, sperm, a fertilized egg, embryos at different stages and WOW, it is amazing you guys!!  That is why I am going to do my best to keep you updated and informed every step of the way.  Not only does it bring me great comfort knowing so many people are "with" us through this, but I know many of you are intrigued and interested like I am.  I want to share this experience with you.

As much as I would not have chosen this path for myself, this is where I am, where I feel God has led me, and I am going to do my best to be positive about it.  IVF has always been a future possibility, but now it is a present reality. Corey and I need your prayers now more than ever.  Thanks so much for sticking with us through it all!  We love being so well loved.