I was not planning to blog in the middle of the night tonight. But I couldn't sleep and I decided to get up and come out in the living room.  I remembered this video my friend texted me a few days ago and decided to finally sit down and watch it. She said it made her think of me. Well, I can see why! This is heartbreak & sheer joy rolled into one beautiful story that begins and ends with God. It touched me so deeply.  I am still wiping tears. And we aren't talking cute little tears... but big, fat alligator tears accompanied by some major sobbing. So many emotions as I watched it. Please take the time to watch it yourself!  It will be so worth 14 minutes of your life.


http://www.movingworks.org/project/chloe/


I have said, felt, or lived  many of the things which they said in the video, such as:

"I struggled with trusting God's goodness at times because I felt like it was just so mean. Such a mean thing to do." <---yep

"There was like a 4 1/2 year period that I would say was really really hard on us individually, on us in our marriage and also in the way we were relating with God...especially for me." <---we are right at 4 1/2 really hard years

"Every time we would hear about someone getting pregnant we would just be devastated because we were thinking this isn't gonna happen for us. We're fools, fools who want kids and its never gonna happen." <---constant struggle

"And then I would say somewhere I feel like God shifted something in me so significant. There was a point where I started to realize, actually no, I can live like a really full and really happy life and experience so much with God and know Him so deeply and be satisfied in the deepest way a human can be satisfied, even without having a child. Sounds like a simple concept, but for me that was a big change and a big shift in my perspective." <---much to my surprise, this same major shift happened to me this summer during our first real, extended break from "trying." 

"We kept praying, God if you're saying you don't want us to be parents, take this desire from us." <--- can't count how many times I've said and prayed this

"There were tons of people praying for us and with us...it was a special thing to get to feel the body of Christ standing with you through something." <---so incredibly special

In my last post I mentioned some song lyrics. The last line was, "why can't He make me an unbreakable heart?" Oh how I've craved that through these years of heartbreak and waiting. If only I had an unbreakable heart! But you know what one of the fresher lessons I have learned is?  That God intentionally breaks our half hearted hearts so He can put them back together whole. But He never does this or anything else for the purpose of hurting us.  His ways may often seem harsh, but only because we perceive them as harsh, not because that is how they really are. I have a tendency to live by what I feel and not by what is real. I am continuing to see how unreliable and ever changing my feelings are. But God is unchangeable. He is and was and will always be perfectly loving, perfectly faithful and perfectly just.  For so many years I lived under the notion that God never actually caused my pain, but He rarely stopped or prevented it either...He just allowed it to happen. But now my perspective has changed and I feel like He has shown me that He Himself is often the One bringing the trials into my life. And somehow that is a relief, because I know that Someone who I can trust is in control of what is happening to me.  He is using them to chip away the stone around my heart to reveal the gold underneath. He is sanctifying me.  Having an unbreakable heart would be like having a perfect life. There would be no need for God or faith.  If we were never broken, we would never need Someone to put us back together. So often we think we have our own glue and we can piece it together ourselves, the way we want our hearts & lives to look. But our glue is cheap and it just doesn't hold up under heat or pressure. The more we resist His breaking and remaking, the more we add to our suffering. I once was lost, but now I'm found...and I can acknowledge that there is beauty in the broken. I can even go as far as to rejoice in it.  Was blind, but now I see. 

"See how much I love you? Do you see what I've done? I've been writing this story, you had no idea, for years I've been writing this story" ...and I realized how foolish I was. How my perspective was so skewed in my own pain that what I saw as Him not loving me was Him being the most loving He could have been."  <--- One day, like Annie,  I will be able to look back and see how foolish I was and actually thank Him for taking me down this road. I look forward to that day!

"From start to finish, this movie [if life were a movie] is obviously about God. He is the main character. How is it possible that we live as though it is about us? Our scenes in the movie, our brief lives, fall somewhere between the time Jesus ascends into heaven and when we will worship God on His throne."  Francis Chan 

Do you need a little comfort today?  How comforting that the author, producer and star of the show cares immensely about our tiny little supporting roles!  When I see Walt and Annie's story, I see Jesus. I hope He is what people will see when they look at my life, and yours... heartbreak & sheer joy rolled into one beautiful story that begins and ends with God.

Today is "National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day." It is a day that is near and dear to my heart. I want everyone to know about it so you can support and pray for the couples in your life who have lost precious babies.  Not that you shouldn't or couldn't do that any random day, but today is a special day set apart to acknowledge them and their loss. I encourage you to please do so. I can promise you that the words "I have not forgotten" are very powerful and meaningful when said to someone who has lost a child.  I have not forgotten about your baby or babies. I have not forgotten that you are a Mommy, too.  I have not forgotten about your pain. 

Grieving the loss of a baby before he or she is born is a unique experience.  There are no photos to show or memories to cling to. In my case, I don't even know whether my 2 children are male or female.  I cannot picture them in my mind because I have no idea what they would have looked like. I just know they would have been beautiful and that I was deeply in love with them for the short time I had them in my womb.  They would be 1 and 3 years old now. I think of how different my life would look if they were here.  The "baby room" in our house would not be so empty and cold.  I went in there earlier today and sat on the floor, just thinking about how ironic life is. We moved in 3 1/2 years ago thinking that soon our house would be full of baby giggles and toys and fingerprints all over. But much to my dismay, the "baby room" is nothing more than a catch-all for photography props, luggage and exercise equipment...and there are no sticky finger marks anywhere to be found. Just a silence that is deafening. 

I heard a song the other day on an old country mix cd I had made like 10 years ago. It is called "unbreakable heart" by Jessica Andrews. It took me by surprise how emotional I got when I heard it again, because the words meant something totally different to me now than they ever did before.  The first verse goes like this:

"An empty room, a broken fairytale. 

A hollow girl, with empty arms. 

From an angel's tears, God made the stars. 

Why can't He make me an unbreakable heart?" 

That is me to a tee. My pages of my fairytale have been ripped up by infertility and miscarriages.  My arms and my nursery are empty. And my heart has been broken for a long time.  I keep waiting for God to make it all right.  I keep waiting for Him to turn this ship around.  

I had a major revelation sitting on the "baby room" floor today.  I was thinking about how I spend so much time wishing my babies were here so I could hold them, know them, love them, protect them, make memories with them, show them off and teach them all kind of things. But then it hit me. Why would I wish for them to be here when they are there?  Why would I desire for them to grow up in this world so full of sin and death and evil when they are in a place where they know only true peace and everlasting joy without an ounce of suffering or sin?  It is so normal for me to desire an earthly relationship with my babies.  But the alternative that they've been given is much better. The reality is that as much as I wish I could look into their little faces, they are face to face with JESUS.  As much as Corey and I desired to raise kids to know and love the Lord, they are learning from the perfect Teacher Himself.  What more could I want for my babies? Isn't that the desire of every parent...for their kids to be happy, healthy, fulfilled and unconditionally loved? Maybe God didn't take away my babies, but instead He rescued them. Maybe the Knight in shining armor wants me to remember that this story is not over.  And that one day we will all live happily ever after in His eternal kingdom.  Streets of gold and all. He doesn't want to destroy my fairytale, He wants to exceed it!  

What has always been more bitter than sweet has suddenly become more sweet than bitter.  

God is faithful to meet us where we are and give us His perspective if we come to Him seeking to understand beyond our understanding.  He wants us to see things like He sees them.  And I can tell you from personal experience that it is just so much better that way.  I keep forgetting and He keeps gently reminding me. 

I hope that anyone reading this that has experienced the loss of a baby will be comforted by what The Lord showed me today as well.  Your baby/babies were created by God just like any other human life and they are just as real and just as loved by their Creator.  And they will never be forgotten.