Today is "National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day." It is a day that is near and dear to my heart. I want everyone to know about it so you can support and pray for the couples in your life who have lost precious babies.  Not that you shouldn't or couldn't do that any random day, but today is a special day set apart to acknowledge them and their loss. I encourage you to please do so. I can promise you that the words "I have not forgotten" are very powerful and meaningful when said to someone who has lost a child.  I have not forgotten about your baby or babies. I have not forgotten that you are a Mommy, too.  I have not forgotten about your pain. 

Grieving the loss of a baby before he or she is born is a unique experience.  There are no photos to show or memories to cling to. In my case, I don't even know whether my 2 children are male or female.  I cannot picture them in my mind because I have no idea what they would have looked like. I just know they would have been beautiful and that I was deeply in love with them for the short time I had them in my womb.  They would be 1 and 3 years old now. I think of how different my life would look if they were here.  The "baby room" in our house would not be so empty and cold.  I went in there earlier today and sat on the floor, just thinking about how ironic life is. We moved in 3 1/2 years ago thinking that soon our house would be full of baby giggles and toys and fingerprints all over. But much to my dismay, the "baby room" is nothing more than a catch-all for photography props, luggage and exercise equipment...and there are no sticky finger marks anywhere to be found. Just a silence that is deafening. 

I heard a song the other day on an old country mix cd I had made like 10 years ago. It is called "unbreakable heart" by Jessica Andrews. It took me by surprise how emotional I got when I heard it again, because the words meant something totally different to me now than they ever did before.  The first verse goes like this:

"An empty room, a broken fairytale. 

A hollow girl, with empty arms. 

From an angel's tears, God made the stars. 

Why can't He make me an unbreakable heart?" 

That is me to a tee. My pages of my fairytale have been ripped up by infertility and miscarriages.  My arms and my nursery are empty. And my heart has been broken for a long time.  I keep waiting for God to make it all right.  I keep waiting for Him to turn this ship around.  

I had a major revelation sitting on the "baby room" floor today.  I was thinking about how I spend so much time wishing my babies were here so I could hold them, know them, love them, protect them, make memories with them, show them off and teach them all kind of things. But then it hit me. Why would I wish for them to be here when they are there?  Why would I desire for them to grow up in this world so full of sin and death and evil when they are in a place where they know only true peace and everlasting joy without an ounce of suffering or sin?  It is so normal for me to desire an earthly relationship with my babies.  But the alternative that they've been given is much better. The reality is that as much as I wish I could look into their little faces, they are face to face with JESUS.  As much as Corey and I desired to raise kids to know and love the Lord, they are learning from the perfect Teacher Himself.  What more could I want for my babies? Isn't that the desire of every parent...for their kids to be happy, healthy, fulfilled and unconditionally loved? Maybe God didn't take away my babies, but instead He rescued them. Maybe the Knight in shining armor wants me to remember that this story is not over.  And that one day we will all live happily ever after in His eternal kingdom.  Streets of gold and all. He doesn't want to destroy my fairytale, He wants to exceed it!  

What has always been more bitter than sweet has suddenly become more sweet than bitter.  

God is faithful to meet us where we are and give us His perspective if we come to Him seeking to understand beyond our understanding.  He wants us to see things like He sees them.  And I can tell you from personal experience that it is just so much better that way.  I keep forgetting and He keeps gently reminding me. 

I hope that anyone reading this that has experienced the loss of a baby will be comforted by what The Lord showed me today as well.  Your baby/babies were created by God just like any other human life and they are just as real and just as loved by their Creator.  And they will never be forgotten.