You can't have a blog about infertility without dedicating a post to your dog. At least I can't. Because she is so much more than just a pet! She is a big part of our family has been a constant source of love and loyalty in my life. She's one of the best friends I could ever imagine having! 

We got "Mocha," our beagle mix rescue dog, a few short months after we got married. It was October 2010, to be exact. She was the cutest little thing I ever did see, and we fell head over heels in love the very first day we had her!

Looking back, I think getting "Mocha Belle" was one of the best decisions we have ever made! I had no idea at the time what a huge blessing she would turn out to be or how much I would need her affection, and even just her presence. The depression I've dealt with has caused me at times to isolate myself from friends and family. But I've never truly been alone at any point in the past 5 years of this trial of infertility, because even when no one else is around, Mocha is always there. I can't isolate myself from her and I'm so glad. That in itself has been invaluable to me! 

A relationship with a dog is truly about the most uncomplicated relationship you can have. You don't have to talk and you don't have to listen. Or you can talk your head off and they will always listen. Dogs are always there to offer you great companionship, you don't have to worry about annoying or offending them or wonder if they really like you. They just offer unconditional love and they can't talk back! :) 

But there is more than just her presence that I treasure. "Mocha Bean the Drama Queen's" personality is the best! She is the most well balanced dog I have ever known... the perfect mix of calm, loving, ornery and playful. Sometimes I wonder how we got so lucky...but I know it really wasn't about luck, rather that God knew exactly what we needed and hand picked her for us. He truly cares about every detail of our lives! 

Mocha has given us the chance to be parents, even if it has not been in the way we envisioned. We have gotten to take care of her since she was a baby and watch her grow and change. We feed her, we take her to the vet, we love on her, discipline her, take her on walks and worry when she isn't acting normal. Like any parents, we care about her overall well being. We know what it is to have someone depend on us completely for their survival. I really think having her has helped me subconsciously avoid getting too self-absorbed in my pain. I always have her to care for, to focus on. The 3 of us have gone through some really hard times of and also some really fun times together. There is just this strong bond between her and us! 

Mocha has seen more of my tears than anyone else has. She's seen me at my best, my worst and everything in between. And despite it all, her love for me never changes. She's been there through both miscarriages, the failed IVF, multiple surgeries, the deaths of my grandparents, fights with Corey, thousands of prayers spoken out loud, way too many negative pregnancy tests... and on and on. She has such a keen sense for how I am feeling and knows exactly how to act according to that. She is such a lover!  Not only does she comfort me when I am really sad by giving me gentle kisses, putting her paw on my hand or snuggling up to me, but she also lifts my spirits in general. Every day she does something that makes me smile, even if it is just her being cute without even trying. Her puppy dog eyes seem to say, "I love you, Mom" and her tail is always wagging. There is this quote that says "wag more, bark less." I think I could learn a lesson about that from Mocha! She is one happy girl. She has 2 parents that love her and care deeply for her and she is absolutely content with that. And that gets me thinking... How much more does my Father in Heaven love me? There is no comparison. If Mocha can be so content being loved by very imperfect parents, how much more content should I be because I am loved by a perfect God? It is pretty convicting, really. 

I think that "Bella Bean" encourages us to be more active and get more sunshine and fresh air. We know she needs exercise and have come to love taking her on walks, hikes and even out on our kayaks with us! Did you know that having a dog has actually been proven to improve your health? Pet owners have been found to have lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure and fewer heart attacks. Just being around your dog causes you to laugh and smile more, be more active and reduce your stress levels by boosting your levels of dopamine and serotonin... neurotransmitters associated with tranquility and relaxation. Laughter and dogs are the best medicine! 

Another great benefit of having "Mochie" is that she makes me feel safe. When I am home alone during the day or when Corey is out of town, I know she will alert me of anything suspicious. It is also just nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with.  It would be interesting to see what Mocha would say if she could talk, rather than us guessing what she would say and talking for her :) 

"Go Huskers! Woo Pig Sooie!"

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

"I'm so embarrassed right now. But I do love all the attention I'm getting!"

We get made fun of all the time for all the ways we dress up our poor dog. But it hasn't stopped us yet!  What a good sport my little "Sugar Bear" is :)  She makes us laugh and entertains us so much, both by what we do to her and by the silly and weird things she does all on her own!

Every part of our day has something special about it that involves Mocha. In the mornings we wake up to her snuggled between us under the covers. She sneaks up there when the sun starts to come up. She never wakes us up early. Rather, she just sleeps until we are ready to get up. Then we are greeted with her sweet face. Sometimes we will lay there and pet her for a few minutes and she will whine for joy.  She loves nothing more than all 3 of us being in once place and all the attention being on her!  We feed her, let her outside and then she's right back in our bed :) It is definitely her favorite place!

If I am working from home, she will follow me around some of the day and sleep some of the day. I find myself talking to her off and on throughout my day and we often go for walks.  When either Corey or myself are gone from the house for any length of time, we are greeted with an overjoyed puppy when we get home. That is one of the best feelings!  And we are usually equally as excited to see her.  

Most evenings we have some play time with her which involves keep-away or hide and seek or chasing each other. Then she waits patiently while we eat dinner, hoping there will be some leftover meat she will get as a treat. Then we settle in to watch some t.v. and she alternates who she sits with. She is seriously the sweetest dog! I really think she takes turn because she doesn't want to hurt either of our feelings. 

When it is time for bed, Corey always beats me there because his bedtime routine is so much shorter than mine. So that has become the time when he and Mocha have "pillow time." She lays her head on my pillow and he pets her and tells her what a good girl she is. It is so adorable and it still cracks me up after all these years. Then I come to bed and we all snuggle for a few minutes before she's off to one of her 3 beds for the night. She's not spoiled at all! 

Having a dog, our dog, has forever impacted my life for the better! I talk often about how much harder this trial would be without the support of such amazing friends and family surrounding us, but the same is true for Mocha! She has been our best friend and our daughter and it doesn't matter that she can't talk... because actions always speak louder than words. She loves us so well. 

"Who rescued who?"

"Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong." 

"I'm not spoiled, my master is just well trained."

"Once you've had a wonderful dog, a life without one is a life diminished."

"Home is where my dog is." 

What do you do when it is the week of Easter, you are feeling a little down about the sad state of the world you live in ....and you just don't really feel like doing anything that you should be doing? 

You make peep bird nests, of course! Because you just want to share some Easter love. 

I remember making these for friends one time back when we lived in Nebraska & Corey was in dental school. I saw them in a Taste of Home magazine and thought they were adorable! It was probably the Spring of 2011 or 2012. They were a hit then, so I thought I'd make them again this year and then share the fun idea with you here on my blog :) Maybe you are in the mood to procrastinate, too... or maybe you just want to do something that will hopefully bring some smiles to some faces! 

So here is what you need:

A bag of pretzels

A large bag of white baking chips (24 oz.)

Some very small candy eggs of your choice

Peeps (I used 18, which was almost 2 packages)

Plates or trays to serve/deliver them on

Pour the white chocolate chips in a large bowl and melt slowly in the microwave for 45 seconds and then for 15 second intervals as needed. 

Make sure you set aside about 1/4 cup of the chocolate in a small bowl to use later. Then add the pretzels to the chocolate in the big bowl and stir gently. I did not use the whole bag of pretzels. I just kept adding until I felt like they were all covered, but there wasn't a bunch of extra chocolate in the bowl. 

If you look down, you may have a couple pooches hanging around, hoping you'll accidentally drop something! Mocha is excited to have company! My in-laws are out of town so we are keeping their dogs for a few days.  We love Remington and Daly and always enjoy when they come visit!

Next, use some tongs to drop the coated pretzels on wax paper and do your best to form nests out of them. 

Now it is time to add the little birds to their nests! Take the peeps and separate them from each other. Then dip them in the reserved bowl of chocolate and secure one on top of each nest. Do the same with the egg shaped candies. 

Before long, your counter will be looking like this! And you'll probably smile. And hopefully you'll cause whoever you share them with to smile, too! 

Happy Easter to all of our "peeps" out there! 

"2 AM (6 AM) and I'm still awake, writing a song (blog).

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,

'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.

And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track,

We're like cars on a cable.

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button now...

Sing it if you understand. 

And breathe, just breathe.

Oh breathe, just breathe."

I can't sleep. I woke up at 3:30 and felt wide awake. After an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I finally got up and came out to the living room around 5. Those of you who know me or have been reading my blog for a while have probably noticed that this is a fairly common occurrence.  I think the main culprit is my tendency towards an anxious mind that does not like to stop. I can only imagine how overworked the synapses in my brain must be! But I am beginning to realize that this insomnia that tends to drive me crazy might sometimes be God purposely waking me up and inviting me to come spend time with Him. It has finally dawned on me that these quiet hours before dawn, when the world is asleep, are some of my most treasured moments with Him. God knows me. He knows how ADD I am. During the day, there is too much stimulus and too much to distract me from Him. But right now at 6:26, the only sound is the birds beginning to arise and sing. It sounds like a lullaby. I can't do dishes or I will wake Corey. I can't text my friends, they are sleeping. Facebook is pretty quiet at this hour. The most logical thing to do is open my Bible, read my devotional and pray. It is such a peaceful time that my anxious mind desperately needs. Why do I resist it so much? 

This morning's entry in my devotional/diary:

"Lord, it is 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I came out to the living room to spend time with You and to blog. My mind won't stop. So many thoughts racing through. "Be still and know that I am God." I stop it only by thinking on You, thanking You, praising You. Breathe in & breathe out. I find You here. 

This 5 year anniversary of us trying to have a baby has got my heart pounding. Lord, it stings. My humanness longs to whine and cry about it...to remind the whole world how bad this stinks and all the reasons why. To be a spokesperson for infertile couples and an educator to those who have no clue. But I know the better option (less fulfilling to my flesh but more fulfilling to my soul) is to praise You in this storm. When I try to bring comfort to my heart and the hearts of others who are hurting or understanding to those who don't get it, my words fall short. Let my soul instead magnify You so that far more will be accomplished in and through me."

I want to model Mary, the mother of Jesus. She proclaims "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior." Luke 1:46-47 She echoes the prayer of Hannah from many years prior in 1 Samuel 2. Both women were full of praise for God Almighty, regardless of the painful circumstances they were sure to endure. Mary was facing judgement for a sin she did not commit (pregnancy out of wedlock) and possible rejection from both her fiance and her culture as a whole. Maybe even death by stoning. Hannah faced giving up her long awaited son to serve with the High Priest in the temple, knowing she would rarely see him. But they were bursting at the seams with praise, anyway. That tells me it is possible. And that it is best option. It leaves me with the question, what will my life magnify? Will my life's purpose be to try and make everyone understand just how hard the trial infertility is? Will it be to show what constant stress and anxiety look like? Or, like Mary and Hannah, will it be God? I want it to be God who is magnified in my life, regardless of the hurt I face... the seemingly endless hurt. 

On nights/days like this, I am reminded once again of how life changing the reality of life in Christ is. It is a lifeboat in raging waters. Ever since it hit me a few days ago that this month, March 2016, marks 5 years of this infertility business... I've been overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety and painful memories. But when I quiet my heart before The Lord in prayer, when I get on my knees before Him acknowledging His holiness, when I soak my mind and heart in His Word, everything is suddenly ok. Actually, it is better than ok, it is great! I can go from an anxious heart to a peaceful heart, just like that. It is miraculous!! Maybe I've spent the past few days or the better part of the past few years pacing and worrying and forming constant knots in my neck.  But today is a new day and His mercies are new every morning. God's love for me changes everything and His goodness causes everything to work for my good. When I strip away all the lies that surround me about these past 5 years, I see God's grace and His mercy all over! I see how He has taught me inconceivable things and given me unexplainable joy. I fail over and over again to see it in the day to day. I fall into pits. But then He wakes me in the wee hours and calls me to be with Him where He can still my heart and open my eyes.  And before I know it, the sun is rising...

Life IS like an hourglass glued to the table. There is no rewind button to be found. This has always caused me such distress. There is so much I want to change and so many places that I could use a "do-over." But when my eyes are on Christ, I don't want to go back. I only want to fast forward.  Because the best is yet to come. There will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. And that is the direction I want to head! 

Breathe, just breathe.

These words are my diary, screaming out loud. 

Hey ya'll! Although this post is not about infertility per se, I did want to follow up on my last post by saying a great big "thank you" for all the sweet encouragement that I have received via love-filled phone calls, texts, facebook messages, etc. Getting those kind words from people is never my goal in sharing my story, but I'm finding that it sure is a nice side effect! There is a quote I've been hearing a lot recently that says, "find your tribe, love them hard." Well, I have found my tribe, I love my tribe and they love me back hard! Thanks for coming alongside Corey and me on this journey and continuing with us when we take a fork in the road and head in a different direction. Your presence and positive impact do not go unnoticed. And I believe your prayers and ours are all being heard by our great God, who can (and I believe will) do exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine! Ephesians 3:30

It has been a weird few weeks going from all in to hands off so quickly. I kept thinking, "am I forgetting something?" Last week I would have been taking clomid and this week I would be having my follicle ultrasound to see how many eggs I have. Instead, I've taken no meds and I've scheduled no appointments. There has been a huge sense of freedom, and it has been a lot easier than I expected! That is quite a change from last month and definitely affirms to my heart that we are doing the right thing. Still, I can so easily get down thinking about my age, comparing myself to others, etc... but I am trying so hard not to do that. Life is so short and it is going to fly by whether we have kids or not, so I want to live it up and make the most of it! 

One goal I have for this year is to make more time for things that I enjoy! One of the things I like to do is crafting. Do you ever get into one of those moods where you just want to make something? Lately I've been really itching for a good DIY project!

For a while now, I have been following this cute shop on Instagram called "The Adopt Shoppe." It was started by a woman who felt called by The Lord to adopt, but whose family needed money to be able to afford to do so.  So, she began making and selling some really cool handmade prints and jewelry to raise money. Now she and her husband have adopted 2 children, but she continues her mission by helping other families raise money to adopt. What a cool thing!! Anyway, I fell in love with her stuff and decided to order some prints both for myself and for gifts. I was originally planning to simply frame them, but then I noticed how she displays some of them and thought it was really cool!

But since I couldn't find anything quite like this that was the right size for my 5x7 prints... I decided to attempt to make my own! I got on good ole Pinterest for inspiration and I found an idea I loved and decided to go for it. I asked my mother-in-law if she wanted to do it with me, and she did, so we tackled this project together, which was a lot of fun!

First of all, I went out to buy all the supplies. Between Hobby Lobby and Lowes, I was able to get everything I needed.  The only thing I got from Lowes was an 8x8x2 piece of wood. I asked them to cut it into 10" long pieces for me, which they were happy to do. The cost of these clip frames only ends up being around $5 a piece, which totally surprised me!

Little did my husband and father-in-law know that they would get to be involved in this project, too! Luckily they are good sports. We started off my measuring and marking where the center of the top of the wood pieces was.  Then they drilled some holes for us. Hey, at least I had Lowes cut the wood so they didn't have to do that part as well!

Next, we sanded the wood so it would be smooth, because the edges where they had been cut were pretty rough. 

Then we let the boys go watch basketball while us assembled them! Here is a picture of everything you will need to get started: 10" long rectangular wood pieces, small oval wood pieces, candlesticks, scroll appliques, finials and wood glue. 

We started by gluing the candlesticks to the oval base. 

As those were drying, we proceeded to assemble the body of the frame. First we glued the finials into the holes the guys had drilled in the top of the wood. Then we glued the appliques onto the front, bottom & center of the large rectangular piece. 

We let these sit for a few minutes so that the appliques could bond to the wood before we stood them up. It really does bond pretty quickly!

 Then it was time to put the frame on the base. We put wood glue on the top of the candlestick and carefully set the frame on top of it, making sure it was straight and holding it in place for a few minutes. 

Of course there were sips of wine between each step :) 

We set them on the counter to dry overnight and make sure everything was really bonded together before painting them. 

A few days later it was time to paint! I strongly advise you to do this on a day that is not incredibly windy so the paint goes where you want it to go and your project doesn't keep getting blown over. Yes, I speak from experience! 

I ended up finishing the other ones in my garage because doing one outside was about all I could handle! 

Once they are good and dry, you can use a piece of sand paper to distress the edges a little bit. Then it is time to glue on your clips. I failed to take a picture of this step, but it is pretty self explanatory. I recommend laying the frame down on its back and using e6000 glue from Hobby Lobby. Just glue it on and leave it laying there for several hours before standing it back up or putting anything on it. 

Here is my finished product! I'm very happy with how they turned out! And I just love how the 'Fruit of the Spirit' pineapple print looks clipped on it!

My mother-in-law ended up painting hers a different color, distressing it and then using a glaze to give it a unique look. She is braver than I am! I love how hers turned out, too! I was wanting something light and bright for my house so I decided to just do plain white, and I thought it would be safer to do that for the ones I was giving as gifts to match other people's decor. But there is so much you can do between different paint colors and clips to really make it your own. It can be pretty crisp and clean like mine or colorful and rustic like Cindy's or whatever else your personality or style might lead you to do! 

If you are looking for an alternative to a standard frame, I highly recommend making yourself one of these! It was a lot of fun and pretty inexpensive. It does take some time, but was well worth it for me! You can clip on it a print, a photo, a recipe card, a note or whatever you want! I love the versatility!

Happy crafting!

SURRENDER

I have a love/hate relationship with that word, that action, that invitation. The mere thought of it causes a storm of mixed emotions to instantly begin building in my soul. This is from past experience. This is because I know it’s effects. It is somehow both the hardest thing in the world for me to do and simultaneously the thing that brings me the greatest peace. Kind of crazy how that works. 

I’m going to be real with you; This past month has been really stinking hard! Deep down, I knew it would be. But I’ve been trying to be as positive as possible about getting back on the “aggressively trying to get pregnant” horse after a 10 month break. Six of those months were a voluntary break that Corey and I both agreed we desperately needed. Then the 4 months following were an involuntary break spent dealing with my cervical issues. But the calendar turned to a new year and it felt like a fresh start and a new chapter. It only made sense to start trying again. We had prayed and we talked and neither of us felt strongly that God was calling us to continue trying, but we also didn't sense Him telling us not to either. So we made the decision to continue going in the direction of our dreams until He closed doors or made it clear that it was not His will. In early January, I began taking the fertility drug clomid again. I took it days 3-7 of my cycle, like usual. Then I had my follicle ultrasound on day 12, which showed 2 mature eggs. It appeared things were shaping up perfect for an IUI. So we scheduled it for 2 days later per the advice of my doctor. Corey gave me my HCG trigger shot in my hip that night of the ultrasound. The next day, I unexpectedly began cramping pretty badly and it seemed that I had ovulated a day early. So we decided to cancel the IUI and just try at home since the timing was now messed up. This is where it all began to go downhill…

One would think my response would be “Oh awesome, trying at home is much more enjoyable than doing an IUI in a sterile doctors office!” But instead, my immediate emotional response was anger and frustration…”Why can’t anything ever just go the way it is planned for us?” This has been one of my biggest pet peeves throughout this infertility journey, that NOTHING EVER GOES LIKE IT SHOULD. But maybe that is the point! Maybe that is what I keep missing. Could that be a closed door? Could the many negative pregnancy tests, the 5 failed IUI’s, the failed IVF, the 2 miscarriages and the now cancelled IUI be the closed doors? 

So we tried at home, (great as my attitude was), and I began doing my standard vaginal progesterone suppositories daily after that. That progesterone stuff is definitely not my friend. It makes me not so fun to be around, and not so fun to be me. Much to my surprise, about a week after I ovulated, I began feeling nauseous at night. Almost every night for about 10 days I got super nauseous….almost to the point of vomiting some nights. This is exactly what had happened with my first pregnancy! My face broke out worse than it has in a long time. I was also extremely emotional/irritable. I truly thought I might be pregnant. I did have 2 mature eggs after all, I had definitely ovulated and we did have intercourse at the perfect time. So maybe God planned the IUI not work out so we could get pregnant at home the natural way!?!?! 

Well, unfortunately, that was not the case. I can tell you with certainty, as of yesterday, that I am not pregnant. In the online infertility realm, they refer to it as a BFN (big fat negative)! I was too busy yesterday to really even process it and I think I was in a bit of shock because I did think I could be pregnant, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. And there I was, back in that familiar pit of despair. Corey and I spent some time talking this morning and he basically told me he doesn’t know if he wants to go down this road again after having a small taste and remembering once again how bitter it is. I instantly started crying…. partly because I didn’t want to hear it and partly because I actually feel the exact same way. But it is so much easier said than done when my heart wants what my heart wants. I have spent the past month and the majority of the past 5 years wrestling with God, wrestling with my husband and wrestling with myself. I am so weary. Is it time to tap out? Is this really the abundant life God has planned for me? 

SURRENDER. 

The thought makes me shudder. The mixture of anxiety and composure, of freedom and control could almost cause an explosion in my soul. 

I had the opportunity today to listen to a few of the speakers from the "IF: gathering" that took place all over the country this weekend. I know that this time I had today hearing these messages was God-appointed and He certainly spoke to me through them. One of the speakers spoke about testing and she used the example of Abraham. Here is the story straight from the Bible:

"Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham! “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.  On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,  Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?” “Yes, my son?” Abraham replied. “The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together. When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.  But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham! “Here I am,” he replied. “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.” The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son,  I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” Genesis 22:1-18

In my mind, this is one of the greatest examples of surrender there has ever been! Abraham and Sarah waited SO LONG for Isaac. I can totally empathize with them. Then they finally got him and then a few years down the road, God asked Abraham to literally KILL Isaac with his own 2 hands! And He was willing to do so, no questions asked!!! Why? Because He loved God more than He loved His son, and He trusted Him no matter what the cost. Moral of the story: obedience and surrender to God are incredibly hard, but yield great blessing. What did Abraham do? He surrendered, obeyed and trusted. Surrender, obey, trust….surrender, obey, trust ...I repeat it to myself. I close my eyes and suddenly, I am on my own mountain, and an altar is there. I feel God is calling my name and is asking me to lay down this desire to be a mother. This one thing I have waited so long for, this dream, this only hope for descendants....this longing I have clung so tightly to, He is now asking me to lay down as a sacrifice to Him. I know this is a test and it is going to be painful to pass. "Chelsey, do you love me more than you want to be a Mom? Is your faith in Me genuine? Are you willing to let this go, no matter what the cost?” 

Here I am, down on my knees again, desperate for You. I’m desperate for You. Find me here, Lord as you draw me near. Speak to me now. Speak to me now. 

Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have your way, Lord have you way in me. 

I SURRENDER. 

I lay it all down. I unclench my fists. I don’t know yet if my figurative sacrifice will be burnt on the altar or if God will speak and say “Chelsey, Chelsey, stop! Don’t do it. Now I know that you fear God...”  One thing I can know for sure is that “you will be blessed because you have obeyed Me.” So in all reality, it is a win/win situation. Either way, I will be blessed because of my obedience. I’m so tired of asking endless questions and wrestling and struggling. It is time to have faith like Abraham. Time to be silent before The Lord and just do what He asks of me, regardless of the cost. I don't want my life to be characterized by constant wavering. I want to be known as a woman who trusts God and stands firm in His promises! Surrender is NOT the act of giving up hope, it is the act of giving up control. 

That being said, Corey and I have decided that we will be moving forward without any medications or procedures until we feel God clearly telling us otherwise. This is no easy decision at our age and with our desires, but the lack of peace and contentment this month was all the proof we needed that we are not on the right road. We believe in faith that God will let us know His desire for our lives if we are willing to trust Him and seek Him with all of our hearts! We believe He does have great things in store for us and the more we insist on what we think is best, the more we delay His best coming to fruition. The fact of the matter is, the Creator and Giver of life does not need any help in creating and giving life. We know that and are going to try to trust Him more than ever before by laying down our greatest desire at His feet. Our hearts are safe in His hands. But it is going to be so much easier said then done to just stop everything... and I have a feeling we are going to need a whole lot of prayers and encouragement.  

Tears down my face as I write this:

WE SURRENDER. We want to know You more. 

A few things I am very eager for this year

1) A renewed sense of HOPE

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word at the beginning of the year rather than a new year's resolution. To me it just seems so much less overwhelming. Plus, there are so many different ways you can apply one word to your life! For example, my word for 2015 was "simplify." Although I failed to simplify my life in all the ways I had hoped I would, I did succeed in some areas. So it wasn't a complete failure, like my resolutions usually are.  And God really used my word to speak to me. After all, I believe He is the One who put that word on my heart. 

This year, my word is "hope"; specifically a renewed sense of hope. As I look back over the past 5 years, I can see how my hope of being a Mom, and more importantly, my hope of being truly content and fulfilled in this life has lessened with each passing year. I have put so much of myself into this goal of having children, that I've lost a great deal of hope along the way. A few antonyms/opposites of hope are disbelief, distrust, doubt, fear, hopelessness, despair, discouragement and pessimism. I have felt all of these feelings rather strongly & somewhat regularly while on this journey. These are some of Satan's greatest tools and I hate to admit that he has often used them successfully against me. But I'm putting my foot down, because I am tired of wasting what little time I have on this earth getting sucked into these traps that do nothing but hurt me and lessen my ability to glorify God!  After all, He has given me every reason to have hope.  He is my hope! And when I reject that hope, I break His heart. 

{Lord, forgive me for breaking Your heart. Help me to daily choose hope and all of it's wonderful synonym friends... anticipation, belief, confidence, expectation, faith, optimism and promise... to name a few. I want to be a woman whose life is characterized by hope and its synonyms, not its antonyms. I want my empty places to be filled by You. I want to be completely content whether or not my prayers of having children are answered in the ways I'd like them to be! You went to far greater lengths to make me Your child than I will ever go to having a child. Please help me remember that and keep it in perspective. Please help me carry out this desire to be a mother that you have given me in a way that glorifies you. It was given by You, but it is not greater than You. I can still have hope that you will answer my prayer for a baby tangibly one day on this earth, but if not... greater hope lies in the assurance that I am safe forever in your care. Neither life or death can separate me from You. I should not live or grieve or struggle or breathe as those without hope. Amen}

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:8-13

Hope is a big deal! I can cling to it knowing that one day I will see the whole picture and it will all make sense. And even if I never get to have my dream of being a Mommy come true on this earth, I will spend eternity in Paradise with my Savior and my husband and babies... and it just simply will not matter anymore. One day everything will be made right. One day I won't need faith or hope. In the words of the wonderful J. Vernon McGee " Faith, hope and love are the high words of the Christian vocabulary. The object of our faith will be fulfilled. All our hopes will be realized. There will be nothing left to hope for, so hope will disappear. There will be no need for faith. However, love is going to abide. The greatest of these is love. Paul is not describing an abstract term--love. He is writing a biography of Jesus Christ. The love of Jesus is an eternal love." 

Love never fails. God is love. God will never fail me! 

2) Ethiopia

Corey and I are going on our first ever mission trip together to Ethiopia this spring! This was something God laid on my heart a long time ago and it has been so cool to watch it come to fruition!!! I have never felt strongly called to missions until something began to change about a year and a half ago when Shaun and Megan Havelaar visited our church in May of 2014. They are missionaries serving at Ebenezer Grace Children's Home in Hawassa, Ethiopia. Shaun shared about their ministry and I was so deeply moved. I have felt a strong connection to Ebenezer Grace ever since. I bought one of their t-shirts, started following them on Facebook and began praying about what God might have me do. Almost every time they post a new story about a child there, I am moved to tears. I am so grateful for the work they are doing there and that they are caring so well for these beautiful children God has created, who have been abandoned or whose families cannot care for them for one reason or another. They are literally the hands and feet of Jesus to these kids. 

A long time ago, I mentioned to Corey that I thought maybe God was calling me to go there and serve. I remember him not being too overly excited about joining me. It wasn't that he didn't think it was a great thing, but more that it just wasn't something he felt called to at the time. So I continued to pray about it, asking God to reveal His plan to me and also let my husband know if it was his will for him to go, too. Eventually Corey began to become more and more interested. This change was very exciting for me to watch! Now he is all in and just as excited as I am about going to serve alongside our brothers and sisters in Ethiopia. We prayed about going other places, sought wise counsel from people we trust, waited on the Lord...but regardless, we have continued to feel strongly that eastern Africa is where God is leading us. 

We began communicating with Shaun at Ebenezer Grace over email back in August of 2015 about us potentially coming. God has continued opening doors ever since. We've been meeting with our pastor and his wife about it for several months. With their help and the help of Shaun, we chose the dates we would be going, and then last month Pastor Jeremy announced the opportunity to the church. We've had a few meetings since then and we now have our team! There will be 6 of us going... 2 men and 4 women! We will be leaving April 28 and returning May 7th! This will be over Ethiopian Easter, which I think will be very cool! We are now working with a travel agent on flights and getting our passports all ready. It has been so awesome watching God work in giving us the desire, providing the opportunity and bringing the team together. And I look forward to witnessing what He will do in the coming months of planning and preparation and also during our time there. I have no doubt in my mind that this experience will change my life. I am so blessed and honored to get to be a part of this mission! Your prayers over it would be greatly appreciated! 

3) Freedom from a secret bondage 

I cannot tell you what a relief it was to open up about all of my cervix issues and the reason behind them in my last blog post! It was truly a weight lifted off my shoulders to finally have the courage to tell that part of my story. And it was so encouraging for my soul to be met with such kind, loving and understanding responses! This is just another example of how humility is better than pride. In my experience, coming clean about past sins or current areas of struggle causes God to be able to use those areas of my life for good. He can turn even the worst situations into something beautiful. The problem as I see it is that so many, like me, let Satan convince them that they have to keep quiet, put on a front and pretend like everything is fine & dandy. Fake it so the world can't see who you really are. But that is just not how God works. His way, the better way, involves genuineness and transparency. His way brings healing and freedom, while the enemy's way encourages bondage and continued suffering. "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16 

I think of the Apostle Paul and how blunt and open he was about his sinfulness and weaknesses. I think about how knowing all of that information does not change my opinion of him, but causes me to have even more respect for him.  God's grace was amplified in Paul's life because Paul allowed it to be. I want to follow his example.  

Straight from the pen of Paul ---> "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."  1 Timothy 1:12-17

4) Our new lot

Corey and I have been blessed to be able to purchase a great lot in south Springdale! We love our current house and it has been so great for us.... but we have also dreamed about building a house together, and now it appears we will have that opportunity! Of course we know full well that God can always change our plans! But this is something fun and exciting for us to look forward to right now. We are planning to put our current house on the market in a year or so and whenever it sells, we will start building! So it is a little ways off, but I am thankful for this time to be able to design our floor plan, do things like look at other houses & watch "fixer upper" for fun ideas and just have fun with it without being rushed. It will be interesting to see what the finished product is as I love old cottages & victorian homes with tons of character and he loves the log cabin/rustic feel. Hopefully we'll be able to blend the two to create something we both love that isn't too weird!  :) We love to have people come stay with us, entertain friends, host bible studies, showers, etc. and it will be nice to have a home that is designed with those things in mind. We are also super excited to be able to have a basement, because that is somewhat rare here in NW Arkansas, but something we both really want! 

5) My blog

I want to blog more often and also let my blog evolve into something where I write more about all areas of my life and not so specifically about infertility. You know, because my life is so interesting! ;) But really... I love sharing recipes, crafts, pictures, etc. and I want to do more of that. Although I do love me some deep conversations and some deep writing, I also love to be light-hearted and fun. So I'm hoping to find that balance but also let it continue to be Spirit-led! 

I am so excited to see what God has in store for us this year! As I just shared with you, I already know some of the great things I have to look forward to, but there always seem to be some unexpected blessings along the way as well.  The Lord has already begun renewing my hope and giving me a fresh zest for life this year, for which I am so thankful! A crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair; that is what has been proven possible in my life once again, ya'll. That is what He offers. He is not confined by our circumstances and hardships. Have HOPE!