"2 AM (6 AM) and I'm still awake, writing a song (blog).

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,

'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.

And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track,

We're like cars on a cable.

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button now...

Sing it if you understand. 

And breathe, just breathe.

Oh breathe, just breathe."

I can't sleep. I woke up at 3:30 and felt wide awake. After an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I finally got up and came out to the living room around 5. Those of you who know me or have been reading my blog for a while have probably noticed that this is a fairly common occurrence.  I think the main culprit is my tendency towards an anxious mind that does not like to stop. I can only imagine how overworked the synapses in my brain must be! But I am beginning to realize that this insomnia that tends to drive me crazy might sometimes be God purposely waking me up and inviting me to come spend time with Him. It has finally dawned on me that these quiet hours before dawn, when the world is asleep, are some of my most treasured moments with Him. God knows me. He knows how ADD I am. During the day, there is too much stimulus and too much to distract me from Him. But right now at 6:26, the only sound is the birds beginning to arise and sing. It sounds like a lullaby. I can't do dishes or I will wake Corey. I can't text my friends, they are sleeping. Facebook is pretty quiet at this hour. The most logical thing to do is open my Bible, read my devotional and pray. It is such a peaceful time that my anxious mind desperately needs. Why do I resist it so much? 

This morning's entry in my devotional/diary:

"Lord, it is 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. I came out to the living room to spend time with You and to blog. My mind won't stop. So many thoughts racing through. "Be still and know that I am God." I stop it only by thinking on You, thanking You, praising You. Breathe in & breathe out. I find You here. 

This 5 year anniversary of us trying to have a baby has got my heart pounding. Lord, it stings. My humanness longs to whine and cry about it...to remind the whole world how bad this stinks and all the reasons why. To be a spokesperson for infertile couples and an educator to those who have no clue. But I know the better option (less fulfilling to my flesh but more fulfilling to my soul) is to praise You in this storm. When I try to bring comfort to my heart and the hearts of others who are hurting or understanding to those who don't get it, my words fall short. Let my soul instead magnify You so that far more will be accomplished in and through me."

I want to model Mary, the mother of Jesus. She proclaims "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior." Luke 1:46-47 She echoes the prayer of Hannah from many years prior in 1 Samuel 2. Both women were full of praise for God Almighty, regardless of the painful circumstances they were sure to endure. Mary was facing judgement for a sin she did not commit (pregnancy out of wedlock) and possible rejection from both her fiance and her culture as a whole. Maybe even death by stoning. Hannah faced giving up her long awaited son to serve with the High Priest in the temple, knowing she would rarely see him. But they were bursting at the seams with praise, anyway. That tells me it is possible. And that it is best option. It leaves me with the question, what will my life magnify? Will my life's purpose be to try and make everyone understand just how hard the trial infertility is? Will it be to show what constant stress and anxiety look like? Or, like Mary and Hannah, will it be God? I want it to be God who is magnified in my life, regardless of the hurt I face... the seemingly endless hurt. 

On nights/days like this, I am reminded once again of how life changing the reality of life in Christ is. It is a lifeboat in raging waters. Ever since it hit me a few days ago that this month, March 2016, marks 5 years of this infertility business... I've been overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety and painful memories. But when I quiet my heart before The Lord in prayer, when I get on my knees before Him acknowledging His holiness, when I soak my mind and heart in His Word, everything is suddenly ok. Actually, it is better than ok, it is great! I can go from an anxious heart to a peaceful heart, just like that. It is miraculous!! Maybe I've spent the past few days or the better part of the past few years pacing and worrying and forming constant knots in my neck.  But today is a new day and His mercies are new every morning. God's love for me changes everything and His goodness causes everything to work for my good. When I strip away all the lies that surround me about these past 5 years, I see God's grace and His mercy all over! I see how He has taught me inconceivable things and given me unexplainable joy. I fail over and over again to see it in the day to day. I fall into pits. But then He wakes me in the wee hours and calls me to be with Him where He can still my heart and open my eyes.  And before I know it, the sun is rising...

Life IS like an hourglass glued to the table. There is no rewind button to be found. This has always caused me such distress. There is so much I want to change and so many places that I could use a "do-over." But when my eyes are on Christ, I don't want to go back. I only want to fast forward.  Because the best is yet to come. There will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. And that is the direction I want to head! 

Breathe, just breathe.

These words are my diary, screaming out loud.