...Two not-so-fun words that have become rather life-changing to me recently. It is amazing the way the Spirit can transform things! Like my heart, for example. And negative words into positive ones.
When you last heard from me over a year ago, I was a few short weeks away from leaving on my very first mission trip! Little did I know, those 10 days in Ethiopia were going to be a major turning point in my life. I needed to be broken out of my bubble of despair so badly, but who knew that some precious African orphans would be the method by which that would happen?
If those motherless children can be SO joyful,
can't this childless woman be joyful, too?
The kiddos I spent time with and loved on had a far greater impact on me than I had on them, no doubt. I thought I was going there to help change the world, turns out the world was a tool God was using to help change me! More on that in a moment.
The past two years of my life can be divided into two sections:
Recovery Mode (April 2015- April 2016)
After our failed IVF in March 2015, we decided we absolutely had to take a break from it all. It was our first "break" in 4 years and needed to happen, for the sake our my health and our marriage. I was at an all time low at this point. It literally felt like I couldn't handle another ounce of disappointment or another medication being put into my body, or I might just spontaneously combust. So we stopped. That was in itself hard because so much of the past 4 years had been devoted to doing everything possible to try and have a baby. So what do we do now? It's hard to go from go, go go.... control, control, control to nothing, just like that. It definitely took some time to unwind. I was wound pretty tight. This was a painfully healing year! I finally had the space to truly grieve like I desperately needed to. And that is exactly what I did. There was so much I had been carrying that I simply could not carry anymore. I finally laid it down. And then God took me to Ethiopia...
Restoration Mode (May 2016- present)
I consider this period beginning when we got home from Africa. I was in a total daze for a while! I knew God was doing some major work in my heart, but I didn't quite understand what it meant and I certainly couldn't verbalize it. People would ask me about our trip and I remember saying over and over that "I'm still trying to process it." It was just so very different from what I thought it would be. So very beautiful, joyful and peaceful... not scary, depressing and stressful like I expected. Yes, there were things that broke my heart... like the intense poverty I witnessed and the fact that some children were deserted by their families and left alone to die. But GOD WAS THERE!! He had transformed what could be so ugly into something so beautiful. He gave a home and a family to the orphans. They are loved and safe and being taught about Him! He gave community to the impoverished. I've never seen such fellowship! Everything moved at a much slower pace there. They had time to enjoy life. No one was in a hurry, and it was so refreshing to me. I breathed deeper. I slept like a baby. I cried like a baby. Because I needed Africa so much more than Africa needed me. I wanted to take home what I learned and keep them and the lessons they taught me, and that God taught me, so close to my heart.
And I have tried to do just that. Shortly after we returned, I quit my nursing job at the pediatric clinic. Because as much as I loved it, I realized that it was a stumbling block to my healing. It just wasn't where I needed to be working at this point in my journey. It was too hard on my heart. I also began to clear my calendar to allow for more space to rest, to not run myself so ragged. I made fellowship more of a priority. I found an amazing counselor and have been going to her consistently. And with her help, breakthrough is happening. I leave each session overwhelmed by God's goodness as He continues revealing and freeing. I've began reading for pleasure and have enjoyed having the time and the energy to do so. I've read some of the most awesome and powerful books! I am doing photography full time and am finding how well a flexible schedule fits with my personality. I am learning to set boundaries in my life and relationships. My stress levels are lower than they have ever been. My marriage is better than it has ever been. I'm taking a painting class and trying to recover my creative side. It has been a really good, blessed year... and I am beyond thankful! I am referring to it as the year of Spring, because so many dead places in me have been coming back to life.
My circumstance hasn't changed. But I have changed.
The hope & joy that had been slowly drained out of my body, mind and soul is being infused back in. I trust God right now more than I ever have before! He has done a work in me that I could have never accomplished myself. I needed to be broken... completely shattered of my stubbornness, selfishness, perfectionism, expectations, etc. so that He could put me together so much better. I used to be so angry at Him for doing this. But now I see that He is creating someone who I actually kind of like when I see her in the mirror. I can see more and more of Him and am beginning to see less of me. And that is only by His grace! I can see now that if I had never gone through all I have, I would not be here. I'd be back thinking I had this whole life thing figured out and I'd probably be controlling my husband and kids like a crazy person, running around like a chicken with her head cut off.... and coming to God only when things got really bad. I bet I would still be bound by my flesh and my priorities would be so far off from God's will. I don't exactly know what His will is, but I do believe a big part of it is for me to be in close relationship with Him and with a surrendered heart, seeking to see His kingdom come. And that is where I am right now, and where I always want to stay, Lord willing. I don't ever want to go back to the old me. If God does give me children, they will have a much better role model of a mother now! I know that for sure.
I'd like to share with you an except I just read this morning from this great book we are going through in my women's bible study, called "Prayer, Our Glorious Privilege" by Pastor Chuck Smith:
"God wanted a man who would lead the nation back onto the path of righteousness, back to God, back to a place of strength. But though God looked all over Israel, He could not find such a man. But God did find a woman. God closed up Hannah's womb and put her in an uncomfortable situation, by opening the womb of the other wife, Peninnah. He even allowed Peninnah to torment Hannah, knowing it would bring her to a point of desperation. In that state of desperation, Hannah prayed over and over "God, I want a son. God, I need a son." No answer. Why did God delay? God delayed because God wanted to give much more than a son. He wanted to give the nation a prophet, a priest, a judge who would lead the people back to God's path and would save the nation from destruction. God wanted to give Hannah much more than she was asking for, so He withheld her desire until she finally prayed, "Oh God, if You will but give me a son, I will give him back to You all the days of his life and he can be totally consecrated to You." There is no better place to be than right in that place God desires for us; that place where He will give us so much more than we have asked Him for. And so God granted her prayer and gave her Samuel, that great prophet, that great priest, that great judge, who saved the nation by bringing them back into a right relationship with their God."
Hannah asked for a son. God gave her a son, prophet, priest, judge and leader! He not only answered her prayer, he exceeded her prayer, way beyond what she could even imagine. Hannah's delays led to a beautiful destination. Her brokenness was made into such a powerful testimony. God's will was accomplished through her! What greater legacy could there be?
That is my prayer today... that like Hannah, I will be able to be used by God to accomplish His will. I have come to a place where I want that more than I want anything else. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but I know whatever it is ...is for my good and His glory! Not just one or the other, but both. I believe He is going to do more than I can even imagine. I am excited for what that will look like. I praise God for streams in my wasteland and for this new thing He is doing! I pray that this change in my life brings hope and encouragement to you if you feel like you are lost in the wilderness of your own suffering. It will get better! God will come through for you!
When you last heard from me over a year ago, I was a few short weeks away from leaving on my very first mission trip! Little did I know, those 10 days in Ethiopia were going to be a major turning point in my life. I needed to be broken out of my bubble of despair so badly, but who knew that some precious African orphans would be the method by which that would happen?
If those motherless children can be SO joyful,
can't this childless woman be joyful, too?
The kiddos I spent time with and loved on had a far greater impact on me than I had on them, no doubt. I thought I was going there to help change the world, turns out the world was a tool God was using to help change me! More on that in a moment.
The past two years of my life can be divided into two sections:
Recovery Mode (April 2015- April 2016)
After our failed IVF in March 2015, we decided we absolutely had to take a break from it all. It was our first "break" in 4 years and needed to happen, for the sake our my health and our marriage. I was at an all time low at this point. It literally felt like I couldn't handle another ounce of disappointment or another medication being put into my body, or I might just spontaneously combust. So we stopped. That was in itself hard because so much of the past 4 years had been devoted to doing everything possible to try and have a baby. So what do we do now? It's hard to go from go, go go.... control, control, control to nothing, just like that. It definitely took some time to unwind. I was wound pretty tight. This was a painfully healing year! I finally had the space to truly grieve like I desperately needed to. And that is exactly what I did. There was so much I had been carrying that I simply could not carry anymore. I finally laid it down. And then God took me to Ethiopia...
Restoration Mode (May 2016- present)
I consider this period beginning when we got home from Africa. I was in a total daze for a while! I knew God was doing some major work in my heart, but I didn't quite understand what it meant and I certainly couldn't verbalize it. People would ask me about our trip and I remember saying over and over that "I'm still trying to process it." It was just so very different from what I thought it would be. So very beautiful, joyful and peaceful... not scary, depressing and stressful like I expected. Yes, there were things that broke my heart... like the intense poverty I witnessed and the fact that some children were deserted by their families and left alone to die. But GOD WAS THERE!! He had transformed what could be so ugly into something so beautiful. He gave a home and a family to the orphans. They are loved and safe and being taught about Him! He gave community to the impoverished. I've never seen such fellowship! Everything moved at a much slower pace there. They had time to enjoy life. No one was in a hurry, and it was so refreshing to me. I breathed deeper. I slept like a baby. I cried like a baby. Because I needed Africa so much more than Africa needed me. I wanted to take home what I learned and keep them and the lessons they taught me, and that God taught me, so close to my heart.
And I have tried to do just that. Shortly after we returned, I quit my nursing job at the pediatric clinic. Because as much as I loved it, I realized that it was a stumbling block to my healing. It just wasn't where I needed to be working at this point in my journey. It was too hard on my heart. I also began to clear my calendar to allow for more space to rest, to not run myself so ragged. I made fellowship more of a priority. I found an amazing counselor and have been going to her consistently. And with her help, breakthrough is happening. I leave each session overwhelmed by God's goodness as He continues revealing and freeing. I've began reading for pleasure and have enjoyed having the time and the energy to do so. I've read some of the most awesome and powerful books! I am doing photography full time and am finding how well a flexible schedule fits with my personality. I am learning to set boundaries in my life and relationships. My stress levels are lower than they have ever been. My marriage is better than it has ever been. I'm taking a painting class and trying to recover my creative side. It has been a really good, blessed year... and I am beyond thankful! I am referring to it as the year of Spring, because so many dead places in me have been coming back to life.
My circumstance hasn't changed. But I have changed.
The hope & joy that had been slowly drained out of my body, mind and soul is being infused back in. I trust God right now more than I ever have before! He has done a work in me that I could have never accomplished myself. I needed to be broken... completely shattered of my stubbornness, selfishness, perfectionism, expectations, etc. so that He could put me together so much better. I used to be so angry at Him for doing this. But now I see that He is creating someone who I actually kind of like when I see her in the mirror. I can see more and more of Him and am beginning to see less of me. And that is only by His grace! I can see now that if I had never gone through all I have, I would not be here. I'd be back thinking I had this whole life thing figured out and I'd probably be controlling my husband and kids like a crazy person, running around like a chicken with her head cut off.... and coming to God only when things got really bad. I bet I would still be bound by my flesh and my priorities would be so far off from God's will. I don't exactly know what His will is, but I do believe a big part of it is for me to be in close relationship with Him and with a surrendered heart, seeking to see His kingdom come. And that is where I am right now, and where I always want to stay, Lord willing. I don't ever want to go back to the old me. If God does give me children, they will have a much better role model of a mother now! I know that for sure.
I'd like to share with you an except I just read this morning from this great book we are going through in my women's bible study, called "Prayer, Our Glorious Privilege" by Pastor Chuck Smith:
"God wanted a man who would lead the nation back onto the path of righteousness, back to God, back to a place of strength. But though God looked all over Israel, He could not find such a man. But God did find a woman. God closed up Hannah's womb and put her in an uncomfortable situation, by opening the womb of the other wife, Peninnah. He even allowed Peninnah to torment Hannah, knowing it would bring her to a point of desperation. In that state of desperation, Hannah prayed over and over "God, I want a son. God, I need a son." No answer. Why did God delay? God delayed because God wanted to give much more than a son. He wanted to give the nation a prophet, a priest, a judge who would lead the people back to God's path and would save the nation from destruction. God wanted to give Hannah much more than she was asking for, so He withheld her desire until she finally prayed, "Oh God, if You will but give me a son, I will give him back to You all the days of his life and he can be totally consecrated to You." There is no better place to be than right in that place God desires for us; that place where He will give us so much more than we have asked Him for. And so God granted her prayer and gave her Samuel, that great prophet, that great priest, that great judge, who saved the nation by bringing them back into a right relationship with their God."
Hannah asked for a son. God gave her a son, prophet, priest, judge and leader! He not only answered her prayer, he exceeded her prayer, way beyond what she could even imagine. Hannah's delays led to a beautiful destination. Her brokenness was made into such a powerful testimony. God's will was accomplished through her! What greater legacy could there be?
"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
That is my prayer today... that like Hannah, I will be able to be used by God to accomplish His will. I have come to a place where I want that more than I want anything else. I don't know what God is doing in my life, but I know whatever it is ...is for my good and His glory! Not just one or the other, but both. I believe He is going to do more than I can even imagine. I am excited for what that will look like. I praise God for streams in my wasteland and for this new thing He is doing! I pray that this change in my life brings hope and encouragement to you if you feel like you are lost in the wilderness of your own suffering. It will get better! God will come through for you!
Don't be afraid to be broken and delayed.
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