There are so many things on my mind and it is so hard to know where to start.  

I guess I will just start typing. I had a great day with my husband today!  To be quite honest, this past week has not been easy.  It started with me doing a maternity photo shoot and attending the baby shower of a good friend.  A few days later we found out we aren't pregnant yet again.  Then I helped host another baby shower for a friend yesterday and now it is Mother's Day.  I was seriously dreading Mother's Day.  I truly didn't think I could handle going to church today, so we didn't.  And I don't feel the least bit guilty.  Because you know what? Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself.  There are times when you can choose not to put yourself in a situation that you know is going to be terribly painful. You can't escape every place or event where the sting of infertility is especially strong, but you can escape some.  And sometimes you just need to.  So today Corey and I drove about and hour and a half east of where we live and spent the day hiking and exploring in the Ozark Mountains.  It was so wonderful to be out enjoying God's beautiful creation together.  I always feel so close to God when I am outdoors... especially when I am away from home, there aren't many people around and my surroundings are breathtaking.  I think it is because I am still and quiet.  I'm not on my phone or talking, nor do I have a thousand things running through my mind at once.  It is like somehow I am able to just be in the present and not worrying about the future or wishing I could change the past. I got a much needed break from my usual ways today. I did not spend the day pitying myself.  I spent the day focused on the Lord and on my husband and the wonderful life I've been given. I spent the day feeling thankful for my own Mom.  I spent the day remembering just how much my life has been changed by God's grace.  Basically, I spent the day feeling very blessed.    

As I was out there in the peaceful woods today, God laid something on my heart. I became acutely aware that I am not the only person who dreads Mother's Day, nor is infertility the only reason women suffer on this day. Suddenly I realized that this is my Mom's 1st Mother's Day without her Mom.  I thought about other girls I know who are longing to be mothers but have not been able to be for one reason or another. And what about those Moms who have lost children in tragic accidents or to awful diseases?  And how about those people whose mothers abused or abandoned them, or those mothers whose children are estranged? As I began to think about these things, my heart began to hurt for all of these women and for the pain they must be feeling. 

The Proverbs 31 woman {a.k.a. the noble wife and mother} definitely deserves to be acknowledged and commended!  I am so glad there are days set aside for these women like Mother's Day, wedding anniversaries and birthdays.  Even though I have not experienced motherhood, I know for a fact that it is no easy calling.  I definitely think godly mothers should be recognized and appreciated for all they do for their families!  And I pray that this Mother's Day has been a very special one for all of you Moms out there. I hope you have been lifted up, encouraged, prayed for and thanked.

I believe the 1 Samuel 1 woman {a.k.a. the infertile or suffering woman} also deserves to be recognized and given some attention to.  These women, some of whose circumstances I mentioned above, have been called to walk through some awfully difficult trials.  And so many of them, like Hannah, have such unwavering faith.  But what they deal with is hard.... really hard.  And they are often forgotten or left in the shadows to suffer alone.  I think these godly women should be recognized  and remembered. They should have at least one special day set aside sometime during the year where the people who love them lift them up, encourage them, pray for them and thank them.  

So can I ask you to do something with me today?  Women of God, lets pray for each other.  Proverbs 31 women, pray for your sisters in Christ who are suffering.  Pray for healing.  Pray for God's provision and strength for the journey ahead.  If there is a woman in your life who came to your mind or was laid upon your heart while reading this, reach out to her. Let her know she is loved and cared for and admired for her faith in the storm.  Send her a card or text, take her out for coffee, go for a walk... just do something.  And 1 Samuel 1 women, pray for your sisters in Christ who are godly wives and mothers.  Pray for wisdom and patience. Recognize that even though it may seem they have the perfect lives, they don't.  They need our prayers and encouragement just as much as we need theirs. We all live in a fallen world where pain and suffering are inevitable....they ebb and flow, just like the tides.  You may be feeling like you are always struggling while someone else is always being blessed, but you will probably find one day that the roles will be reversed.  That is why it is important that you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and on His promises and not worry about what is fair or what is right.  But rather let us pray for each other and lift each other up both in the sunshine and the storm.  After all, our true worth is ultimately not found in being mothers, but in being daughters of the King!  Lets glorify Him.

You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say... Lord blessed be your Name!  

I love smoothies!  They make such a delicious, refreshing snack or breakfast ...especially on warm days. To be honest, I am not the best about eating quite as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I probably should, so this is a great way for me to sneak them into my diet! For the past year or so I have been on a "green smoothie" kick.  At first, the thought of putting spinach in it totally freaked me out... but I can honestly tell you that you cannot taste it! Some people put kale in their smoothies instead of spinach, so I did try that and was personally not a fan.  Kale has a stronger taste and I felt like it made my smoothie kind of bitter or something.  But spinach is a winner in my book!  Below I explain my method for making these tasty concoctions.  Feel free to get hooked!  :)

In a blender add:

-1-2 cups frozen fruit (I like to buy mixed fruit varieties.  The kind I used today was strawberry, blueberry & raspberry.  I also really like strawberry, peach, mango and pineapple)

-1 cup milk, almond milk, soy milk, etc. (I use almond milk)

-1 banana 

-1/2 cup greek yogurt or 1 scoop protein powder

-1 tbsp ground flax seed

-However much baby spinach you would like (I usually just fill it to the top). 

Then put on the lid and blend!  I tend to go back and forth between the mix and puree settings to get it all good and smooth.  One thing I have found helps is right after you put the frozen fruit in, run some cold water over it and then pour the water out (holding your hand over it so the fruit does not fall out) and proceed with putting in the other ingredients.  It slightly thaws the fruit just enough to make it easier to blend.  

 

Then pour it in a cup or glass, add a straw and enjoy!  I love sitting on my back deck drinking one of these and relishing some fresh air and quiet time!  

I have to admit that ever since writing my last blog post, I have been really disturbed.  I really felt the need for a follow-up post.  Let me first say that this 'being transparent' thing does not come naturally to me.  I would truly prefer that you all saw mainly the good and very little of the not-so-good in me!  But for some reason, God has called me to show you the whole (sometimes ugly) truth.  It was once again embarrassing to admit to an unknown number of people who read my blog what I was honestly feeling and how ridiculous I've been acting. But it wasn't only that bothering me. I also realized that what I was feeling felt all too familiar.... and it took me a while to figure out why.  It wasn't until today that I remembered that just a few months ago I wrote a post on idolatry---trying to fill the voids in our lives with anything but God.  Wasn't that exactly what I was doing now? Did I already fall back into my old ways? Unfortunately, without even realizing it at first, the answer was yes.  I am starting to notice a pattern in my life and I know exactly how I got to where I am once again:

Less time in the Word + less time spent in prayer + more time facebooking, instagraming, watching television, etc. + seeking fulfillment outside of God in wordly things = bondage & emptiness

How quickly I find myself back in chains when I take my eyes off of Jesus and let Satan lure me back into self-destructiveness.  It's a slow fade to where you don't even know it's happening until you're in the bottom of a pit wondering how you got there.  Well, maybe some of you are more observant and see it happening, but I am usually like "Oh man, I was feeling so good not long ago and now my life is falling apart.  How did this happen?"  

When I am convicted of this and get my priorities back in order, this is what I notice happens:

More time in the Word + more prayerfulness + less time on social media and watching t.v. + seeking fulfillment only in The Lord and His promises = freedom & fulfillment

So here is what I have really been wrestling with lately;  Why, if I am fully aware of what causes bondage and what undoubtedly brings freedom, do I keep finding myself in bondage over and over again?  Especially when I know how good freedom feels and how awful bondage feels!  Also, if the Holy Spirit is living in me and never leaves me, why don't I experience His divine peace all the time and in every aspect of my life? God has opened my eyes this week to something I have never understood before.  He has taught me that you can experience freedom in some areas of your life while still being in bondage in others.  I experience momentary freedom in the area of my infertility when do what I should, such as pray, study the Bible, etc.--- but until I give Him full authority over that area of my life, I will continue to fall back into bondage and not experience lasting freedom.  Not because praying doesn't work or the Bible is not powerful, but because I can do those things without giving Him complete authority.  The Spirit of God is always in us, but He floods only the parts of our lives where He is in authority.  Like I said in my last post...He will not force Himself upon us.  He will not break down the walls unless we ask Him to.  Oh He has the power, but He desires a relationship, not a puppet show.  

I made the mistake of thinking that once I received the Holy Spirit, He would just kind of take over my life and lead the way and I would naturally be submissive and obedient to Him.  But thats not how it works. We have free will not only to decide whether or not to accept Jesus and Savior, but also to what degree we will enjoy the gift of His Spirit once it has been given.  If we do not practice humble obedience in every single area of our lives (even the areas where we desperately want to be our own God and call the shots) we will miss out on a whole lot of freedom and peace.  Trust me, I know.  I have not wanted to give God complete authority over my infertility because I am afraid of what that might mean.  I am afraid that He might lead me down a path that involves childlessness.  I am afraid that the fruitfulness He has planned for my life might never involve being physically fruitful. And that terrifies me.  

No matter how scared I am about what the future may or may not hold, I am even more afraid of living a life apart from God's will.  Jesus was ALWAYS obedient to the will of the Father in all things, even death.  His focus on doing the Father's will guided His life and His ministry.  What a perfect example!  He is the Sovereign and Almighty King.  He has never failed before and He won't start now.  It's time to let Him rule.  

It has been a while since I've blogged.  Man, time goes by fast!  Does it seem like the days and weeks are flying by at record speeds--- or is it just me?  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my 30th birthday is just a few months away and I am having a bit of a 1/3 life crisis.  Is that a thing... a 1/3 life crisis? If not, it is now.  Maybe I'll start a trend.  Even just the word "thirty" makes me cringe.  I have literally broken down in tears just thinking about it.  I have also gone a little crazy lately... buying unnecessary clothes & shoes, being consumed with the desire to travel, wanting to eat out and not cook, not caring much about our budget or being responsible and the list goes on.  If it were up to me and I didn't have a husband thinking clearly and restraining me, I'm pretty sure we would be on a roadtrip across America right now and then most likely exploring Europe by the end of summer.  I think it all comes down to this...I thought my life would look different at this point.  More specifically, I thought I would be a Mom by now.  That was the plan.  For as long as I could remember, a Mom is what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I didn't have many aspirations other than that.  I have always felt like that was God's calling for my life, to be a wife and mother.  And I still feel that way.  And I have been blessed to get to be Corey's wife for the past 3.5 years.  But that other void is still there in my heart.  

Last week I was in Nebraska for my Grandpa Boomer's funeral.   It was an incredibly bittersweet week--- holding his hand as he took his last breaths and celebrating his life with all of our family. (More on that later).  Losing 2 of my dear grandparents in the last 9 months mixed with the reality of my 30th birthday creeping up has brought me back once again to the realization that life is short and it goes by way too FAST.  So here I am going overboard trying to live it up, have fun, enjoy life, take it all in.  Here I am crying and fretting over a stupid number.  Here I am frustrated that my master plan is not panning out. 

I am so happy that tomorrow is Easter!  It is one of the best days of the year and such a perfect time to lay it all down before the Lord and start over.  I know that is exactly what I need to do rather than continue trying to fill that void on my own.  What a beautiful thing that Christ died on the cross to save us and then rose again to reign forever!  With His death and resurrection, He ushered in the New Covenant.  And because of the salvation He has given me, I know I have eternity in Heaven to look forward to!!  Amazing.  And yet somehow I get so caught up in this life and age and dreams and plans. Oh how I need His grace to continue washing over me & how desperately I need His love to fill my empty places.  He has filled that void of my longing to be a Mom time and time again and has brought me true peace, even in some of the hardness times of this trial. And I know He will do it again.  But He will not force Himself upon me.  I must draw near to Him, let the walls down, spend lots of time in The Scriptures and in prayer.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me...and suddenly all of those worries and fears I harbor along with the fear of turning 30 will seem strangely irrelevant.  

"You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud

but shows favor to the humble.”

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up..... Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  James 4:4-10 and 13-15 

In closing, I want you give you an update on where we are in our infertility journey. Corey and I had our 2nd IUI this morning.  Our ultrasound yesterday showed 2 mature eggs, both larger than any I've ever had before.  The lining of my uterus was also thicker than it has ever been.  Both of these things are very encouraging! My doctor was very hopeful and strongly urged us to do IUI this month.   Corey and I both agreed that we wanted to try it again and this felt like a good time to do it.  I got the trigger shot of HCG yesterday and we had the procedure at 9 this morning.  We are hoping and praying that this Easter will be a celebration of new life for us in more ways than one!  

I am praying that everyone reading this has a wonderful Easter!  

After a long, cold winter, I am so delighted that the trees and flowers are finally beginning to bloom and the grass is starting to turn green again!  Oh how I love this time of year! This lovely Spring atmosphere has me in the mood to be doing pretty much anything outside. Corey and I considered having a garden last year, but never got around to it---so we decided this is going to be the year we create our first fruit and vegetable garden in our back yard!!  

Corey has been wanting a wood working project for a while now, so I suggested he build us some raised garden beds.  He jumped all over that idea!  He and our neighbor Adam worked hard together for a few days and built Danielle and I some beautiful cedar garden boxes.  What a sweet thing for them to do for their wives!  I think they may have had a little fun, too :)  

Getting started in the garage...

Deciding where we wanted our garden and digging out the grass.

Trying to be helpful... but lets me honest... hubby did most of the work!

Leveling...

Building...

The finished product!!  I'm so happy with how they turned out!

We planted bell peppers, jalapeno peppers, raspberries, cucumbers, onions, zucchini, basil, cilantro, thyme and parsley.  We also planted some strawberries in pots on the porch because we ran out of room in the garden! We may have gotten a little carried away... but I am hoping and praying that SOMETHING will grow and produce good fruit!  Our neighbors, the Wheelers, planted completely different things (tomatoes, squash, spinach, etc.,) and we are going to share everything with each other!  It's a great deal!  Corey and I definitely have a lot of learn about gardening, but like anything else in life... I suppose we'll learn as we go.  

Cheers to new hobbies and adventures!  

This past weekend I went to Dallas with my friends, Maura and Ryan (of Eugene Grace Photography) for some photo shoots.  Oh my goodness... we had such a blast!! Ryan is also a travel agent and he hooked us up with an awesome hotel downtown to stay in.  Over the course of the weekend, we were all over the place--the bishop arts district, downtown, north Dallas & some of the suburbs. It was fun exploring and finding some really cool spots to take pictures!!  We ate such good food and we even got cupcakes out of a cupcake atm!! That was a new one for all of us. What a seriously cool city!  

One of the highlights of the weekend for me was going to 'The Village Church' and being taught by Pastor Matt Chandler.  I had listened to some of his stuff online in the past and was so excited to be able to attend his church while we were in Dallas!  I personally love his style of preaching.  He is so passionate about the gospel and doesn't feel the need to tip toe around the truth.  I admire his boldness and his lack of sugar coating. There is no doubt in my mind that The Lord is working through Matt bring many souls to Him.  His church is currently studying the Book of Acts and this week he taught on Acts 15.  "Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the law of Moses.” The apostles and elders met to consider this question.  After much discussion, Peter got up and addressed them: “Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe.  God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith.  Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear?  No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”  Acts 15:5-11 One thing Matt said is that anyone can conform to a religious or moral code, but only God can transform our hearts by His grace.  Paul, Barnabas, Peter and many other church leaders were all in agreement that the works of the law have no part in our salvation and they were quick to correct those who were declaring otherwise.  

Today I want to share with you a YouTube video that I saw about a year ago. Not only is it one of my favorite songs ever, but also hearing what Matt Chandler and John Piper have to say, mixed with the incredible lyrics of the song is... amazing!  I remember the first time I saw & heard this I was so moved that I got chills all over my body.  I felt like God was speaking directly to me in every word that Matt spoke... "I knew you were going to be messy," "Don't give up...keep walking, keep pressing in, keep confessing...but don't give up.  I'll heal you" and "You're mine...what court can they possibly charge you in?"  In response to this, what can you do but lift up your hands and praise God for His great love?  For those of us who are saved and have been given the gift of the Holy Spirit, this is our reality!! Think about it.  It is so good for us to be reminded over and over what our salvation really means.  For those who do not yet know Christ, I know He loves you and desires for you to be His child.  He went to the cross and paid the price for your sins just as much for you as He did for me or anyone else.  He is standing at the door of your heart knocking. Will you open it and invite Him in??  If so, I promise it will be the best decision you could ever make.   

I was getting ready for church one Sunday morning a few weeks back and I remembered that we were going to be starting the book of Philippians that day. One of my goals is to get better at taking notes in church, so I grabbed what I thought was an empty notebook off the bookshelf to write in during the sermon.  I always seem to remember things better if I write them down.  As I was sitting there waiting for the service to begin, I flipped through the entire notebook-- wondering if Corey or I had ever used it before.  Much to my surprise, I came across this page that I had written on the day we found out we were pregnant for the 2nd time on March 16, 2012!  After reading it, I sat there with tears running down my face, absolutely overcome with emotion.  

Talk about pure joy!  But just 9 days after I wrote these words, we experienced our second miscarriage... exactly one year ago today.  I will never forget the way I felt that day.  The physical cramping and bleeding were nothing compared to the intense pain ripping through my heart. It literally felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife.  I cried for days. We really felt like this time was going to be different...but there we were, back in the same miserable boat.  That night, somehow, in the midst of my sorrow-- I wrote these words and posted them in a note on Facebook. 

The hurt and the Healer

March 25, 2013 at 11:23pm

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I have found that in times of great emotion, both good and bad, the best thing for me to do is sit down and write.  Today is one of those emotional days.  There is a lot on my heart that I want to share. 

Two years ago, in March 2011, Corey and I decided we were ready to be parents and anxious to start our family, so we began actively trying to get pregnant.  After 7 months, we were successful. But much to our dismay, during our 1st ultrasound we discovered that our little angel had no heartbeat. We lost our precious baby at 10 weeks.  I had a d&c surgery two days before Christmas. It was a very painful time for us.  I remember feeling shocked and heartbroken. But God is good, and He gave us healing and the strength to move on and trust in Him.  Little did we know, it would take us a year and 4 months to get pregnant again.  It has been very hard waiting and feeling the disappointment building as each month passed.  We prayed together every night for patience and guidance, and for His will to be done.  We prayed that He would bless us with a baby once again.  And He did.  We were extremely excited to find out earlier this month that we were expecting.  We felt that this time it would be different.  Everything seemed to be going well. But last night I began feeling like something was wrong, and this morning we had a miscarriage.  We are trying to cope as we go once again from the high of utter joy and excitement to the low of losing our 2nd baby, just like that.  My heart aches.  The tears just keep coming. We don't understand why.

This has been one of the most difficult trials Corey or I have ever endured.  We never imagined it would be this long or this hard.  But as I look back, I realize that God has taught me a lot during this time of waiting and longing.  He has taught me that my will is not always His will, but that His will is always the best option…even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time.  He has taught me to focus on what I do have, (such as a great marriage, good health, salvation, and friends & family in Christ who build me up and encourage me on this journey of life,) rather than what I don’t have.  He has taught me the power of prayer and the importance of walking daily with Him in obedience.  And most recently He has taught me that as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will always have peace in my heart, no matter what I am going through.  Although my heart is broken, I am at peace.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.  I know He will again pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how many women in the Bible struggled with infertility.  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth to name a few. Every one of them, though barren for many years was eventually given a child.  God is faithful.  When I pray for children, not only do I know that He can, but I believe that He will answer my prayer.  He created me with such a strong desire to be a mother and I believe He will give me the greatest desire of my heart in His perfect timing. 

If anyone reading this is struggling with your own trial or sorrow, my prayer is that you will draw near to Him rather then fall away.  I know from personal experience that it would be much easier to just be mad and bitter.  But He is the great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him.  Every kind of pain we feel, He has felt it.  Jesus is a Savior who can sympathize with us. 

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for and encouraging us. We ask that you will continue to do so as we move forward.  We are blessed beyond measure by the wonderful people in our lives. We really appreciate the love you show us.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”  1Peter 1:3-9

“I have told you all this so that in me you may have peace. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

In Him,

Chelsey

So here I am, another year later.  Although I have not been pregnant again and my heart is hurting-- I still strongly agree with every word I wrote, both before and after my last miscarriage. God is good. He has the most amazing things planned for us, in His time.  All glory and honor and power belongs to Him alone.  He is faithful.   My will is not always His will, but His will is always the best option. As long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will have peace in my heart.  He is the Great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him.  

Maybe someday Corey and I will be able to look back and see what God was doing all this time.  I don't know.  

What I do know is that I can't wait to meet my Savior and my sweet babies in Heaven...someday.