Since you are so used to hearing from me every few days lately, I thought I should write a little something to let you all know how the dreaded "2 week wait" is going.  That and it is just downright good for me to blog/journal! Plus, I know someday I will look back and read these blog posts and I want to make sure I have every part of the process documented.  A friend recommended that I print all of them off and make a book so that I will always have it, even if the blog itself gets taken down.  I think that is a great idea!

I must say, my days went from craziness to nothingness in the blink of an eye!  Prior to the embryo transfer, it was appointments and ultrasounds and blood draws and various shots and pills and phone calls and updates and trips back and forth to Little Rock and decisions nearly every single day for 3 weeks.  But since the transfer on Sunday, its a few meds and a whole lot of waiting.  At first I was very thankful for the change, as it gave me a chance to rest and relax and decompress.  But now I am realizing that the business kept me from thinking too much.  If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I usually get myself into trouble when I think too much.  

One thing that has really struck me over these past few days while I've had way too much time to ponder things is how significant of a month March has been in our journey to try and become parents. It was March 2011 when Corey and I began actively trying to have a baby. We were an excited newly married couple, ready to start our family!  It was such a joyful time in our marriage.  I felt that after many years of strongly desiring to be a mother,  I would finally be pursuing the role that I was certain God created me for.  It was March 16th, 2013 when we found out we were pregnant for the second time.  I remember that day so clearly.  When the test showed up positive, I was almost in disbelief after so many negative tests before.  I recently found a journal entry that I wrote that day, praising God and exclaiming my excitement and gratefulness!  It was a feeling I had only known once before. Less then 2 weeks later, on March 25th... I miscarried.  Just thinking about it brings waves of grief over my soul.  Now here I am in March 2015 and I am in the midst of in-vitro fertilization.  I can't help but ask the Lord, why March?  Why not May or September or some other month that doesn't have as much significance in our infertility journey?  When I think about March, I think of the excitement of soon becoming a mother I felt in 2011 that is still unmet to this day 4 years later.  I think about the utter joy of being pregnant in 2013 that was very short lived before it got taken away. How can I not be a little worried that the excitement and anticipation I feel this March is also going to result in a painful outcome?  

Until yesterday I can honestly say I was doing really well.  I was cool, calm and collected.  I was just so at peace knowing God is in control and I was feeling very hopeful and positive.  I'm not sure what happened yesterday, but I fell apart. Maybe part of the reason was that I had an episode Thursday night that scared me.  I was going out to dinner with my friend Page and I had been having some mild stomach pains for about an hour that were noticeable but didn't really bother me. Right before we got our food at the restaurant, the pains became very severe.  It was like shooting pains all over my abdomen, from really low up into my ribs. I thought maybe I was having a gallbladder attack or something.  I could barely talk or even breathe and she said I turned very pale.  After about 10 minutes, the pains lessened and within 30 minutes they were completely gone.  I have had no pain since. I called the doctor's office yesterday morning and they said it was likely from the progesterone I am on or from my ovaries being so swollen and irritated.  I am supposed to let them know if it happens again. Regardless of what they said, I think subconsciously I began to blame myself.  Did I cause this?  Maybe if I had been eating healthier this wouldn't have happened.  Did I overdue it physically?  I've been trying to rest and take it easy, but maybe I have still done too much.  Then fear started to creep in.  Does this mean something is wrong in there?  Is this normal? Then doubt... everyone keeps asking if I feel any different and I don't.  Should I?  Does this mean the embryos didn't take?  Is my body rejecting them? So as I'm beating myself up about all these things I'm trying to turn to prayer but just can't focus. My day included a lot of tears.  I did finally get myself to watch a sermon by Matt Chandler on the sanctity of life, which was definitely the highlight of my day.  I had been reading psalm 139 a lot lately, and guess what his sermon was based on?  Yep, Psalm 139. Coincidence?  I think not.  I pretty much bawled the whole way through. Did I mention I've got an excessive amount of hormones pumping through my body right now?  Then Corey got home and we got to talking and I cried some more.  We decided to go out to dinner because we thought some fresh air might do me some good!  Chinese was sounding good, so we went to P.F. Changs.  After our meal we opened our fortune cookies, which didn't end up being very good, or so we thought. For some reason I turned mine over and realized there was a word on the back and the word just happened to be "children."  I showed Corey and he turned his over and his word was "winter."  We both stared at each other for a moment as we realized when you put them together it is "winter children." Important side note: if this all works out, I will be due in December!  I had been praying for a sign and then the other night when Corey prayed out loud he also asked God for a sign.  Maybe this was the answer?  Even though a fortune cookie is not where I expect to hear from Him, I wouldn't put it past Him. We both feel like it is not an accident that out of all the words in the world, these are the two that we got. God works in mysterious ways.  We'll definitely be keeping these for the baby book!  

All that to say, I am feeling a little better today, but still feeling a little down.  I was talking to a friend on the phone earlier and she reminded me that I cannot control what these hormones do to my body and not to be too hard on myself for feeling things that are normal to feel in my situation.  Being sad doesn't mean I have stopped trusting God, it means that the reality that I still may not have a baby at the end of all this is sinking in AND I have way more estrogen and progesterone on board than a woman is supposed to have at any given time!  I just feel like I am trying to prepare for the worst and am bracing myself for the intense heartache that is sure to come if that blood test reads "negative."  I can tell I am getting more nervous as the pregnancy test day gets closer.  But I don't want fear to replace the excitement and hopefulness, because I know that test could just as easily read "positive." Knowing I really needed to get into God's Word again, I decided to listen to the sermon from last weekend at my church since we were in Little Rock and missed it.  We are working our way through the Book of Revelation and this particular sermon happened to be on the Rapture.  I can't think of much more that will put things into perspective than knowing that the end is near and that the rapture could happen at any moment.  As a christian, it is an amazing thing to think about knowing you will be taken out of this world before God's wrath is poured out in the great tribulation. What grace He has on weak and lowly sinners like me. Today this study was a perfectly timed reminder for me that this life is short and that even if my prayers of having a baby are never answered, my time on this earth is not long and this ache and longing in my heart will not last forever.  It may feel long, but it's not long in the big scheme of things. I will be spending eternity in heaven with my Savior! In fact, this life is but a mist compared to eternity.  There will be no pain, no suffering, no loss, no despair once I get there.  And that moment when we are taken out of this world could happen any second. That, my friends, pulled my heart right out of it's pity party and placed my eyes back on Jesus. My problems aren't instantly solved since I had that time in The Word and was reminded of these things.  But time and time again I have learned that when I have an eternal perspective, everything is going to be ok.  But when I fall back into worldly ways of thinking, everything falls apart.  I keep forgetting, but He keeps teaching it to me again and again in His perfect patience.  How grateful I am that His mercies are new every morning! All that to say, deep down I know I'm going to be ok, no matter what tomorrow or the next day or the next day bring.  His hands have been all over this process, and He has reminded us over and over again in many different ways that He is there every step of the way.  There have been so many little signs. I don't yet know the answer to my earlier question, "Why March?  Why now?" But I do believe it as been strategically planned this way.  He heals the brokenhearted, comforts those who mourn, gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61) God never allows or appoints a fire in the life of a believer unless He can bring beauty from the ashes.  I cling to that truth!!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis  

I know we have chosen to be very open all along, but I do ask and plead that everyone please respect our privacy over this next week.  I know all of our friends and family will be very anxious to know whether or not I'm expecting. No matter what news we get, I know we will want a little time to rejoice or mourn together before we make it public.  But I promise you we won't keep you waiting long!  I just simply ask that you let us come to you and share when we are ready.  Trust me, if it is good news, we will be busting at the seams to proclaim it!!