I was at a gathering the other night where almost half of the women were expecting, showing & absolutely glowing.  I was only there for a few minutes when it became obvious that cravings, ultrasounds and baby names were going to be the main topics of conversation that evening.  Can you blame them?  That is all I would want to talk about too if I were in their shoes! And as I stood there feeling completely out of place, most of the other women there could relate and add to the conversation because they too had experienced childbirth and had beautiful children of their own.  I know none of these girls were purposely rubbing it in my face.  In fact, some of them probably don't even know my story, and the ones who do should not be expected to walk on egg shells around me or feel like they can't talk about that hugely important part of their lives. I've gotten pretty used to these conversations because about 90% of my friends and family members anywhere near my age are now moms. Usually I am able to handle it totally fine. I truly want to be able to share their experience with them and be a part of it, just as I hope they will want to share mine with me if I get that chance. But that night, I found myself in a moment of weakness.  I tried not to let it show while I was there, but as soon as I left I broke down. I think it was just too much all at once and at an already difficult time.   

What most people don't know or have forgotten is that this week marks two very painful things for us. Three years ago, Corey and I went to the doctor for our first pregnancy visit and ultrasound.  We had known we were pregnant for about 6 weeks and were busting at the seams to finally tell our families and friends the good news on Christmas!  It was so hard to keep it a secret.  I was almost 10 weeks along. We had gotten each of our parents a little frame with a place to put the ultrasound picture and on the other side was this poem: 

Here's a little peek at me, it shows I'm on the way, 

Little grand babies like me don't happen every day.  

I'm busy growing strong and one day soon we'll meet, 

I can't wait to hug and kiss, the moment will be sweet. 

For now dream of me, and the things we'll do,

Explore, sing, laugh and play...just to name a few. 

Save a special place for me to grow inside your heart,

We will be forever friends, a love that never parts.

I hope you'll share your joy with friends both new and old.

A little grandbaby to love will soon be yours to hold.  

We just needed that ultrasound picture to put in the frame so we could wrap them up and have our parents open them on Christmas! Our excitement and anticipation that day would be met with shock and despair when our 1st ultrasound revealed that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. So rather than spending Christmas announcing and celebrating, we spent Christmas crying and trying to cope.  It is a feeling I can't explain knowing the child inside of your is lifeless and waiting nervously and helplessly for him or her to "pass."  I was terrified to use the bathroom during that time.  Two days after Christmas I had not yet miscarried so my doctor decided that I would need a d&c surgery to remove the fetus.  It was all just horrible.  That precious angel was due to be born on my birthday.  

Almost a year and a half later, we found out we were pregnant again!  You can imagine our excitement.  This baby was due the week before Christmas.  I really saw God's hand in the timing. You give and take away.  He had taken our precious baby from us at Christmas time and now He was going to bless us with a precious baby at Christmas.  A few weeks later I began bleeding heavily and miscarried at 6 weeks.  Our 2nd little angel would have likely been born almost exactly a year ago and we would most likely be celebrating a first birthday right now. I have not been pregnant again since then...almost 2 years later. 

So needless to say, as much as I love Christmas and all that it represents, there is a sting I cannot deny when this time of year comes around.  I grieve for what I have lost and for what might have been.  The last few nights I have not slept well and have been crying off and on throughout the days. I am plagued by thoughts of whether they would have been boys or girls, what they would have looked like & how great it would feel to hold them close and kiss them.  I am overwhelmed with memories of the miscarriages and the days surrounding them.  The feelings are just as real now as they were then.  My empty arms weigh heavily on my heart this Christmas. 

Yesterday I decided to get out my Bible and read the chapters surrounding Christ's birth.  I hoped maybe it would help me get my mind right and refocus back onto the Baby who came down from heaven to save my life.  It had been too long since I had read those verses and I am so glad I did.  It was so good to be reminded that as it looked to the world, Mary was pregnant out of wedlock and probably disowned by her family.  Joseph was engaged to a pregnant woman and was very likely disrespected by his people for standing by her and protecting her, when according to their law she should have been stoned.  Jesus was born in in a dirty barn.  When He was only a few days old they had to flee for their lives to avoid being killed.  As much as we like to embellish the story to make it seem oh so lovely, it was anything but.  It was messy, it was hard.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph did not have it easy.  What an unexpected comfort that is to me this Christmas.  I have been beating myself up for feeling down at what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.  I often feel alone and like no one understands what I am going through.  But that is so far from the truth.  The One who was born into a filthy place, who was rejected by most He encountered, who was tempted by the Devil, who was accused of blasphemy on multiple occasions, who was betrayed, who was beaten and killed although he was completely innocent.... He understands.  There is nothing on this earth that I could ever go through that He does not sympathize with. (Hebrews 4:15) I don't think it is any surprise to The Creator of feelings that I am having feelings. I weep, He wept. I feel loneliness, He was forsaken by His own Father on the cross. I get angry, He got angry. I have jealousy, He is jealous for me. Of course He is completely sinless in His feelings and I am not. But thats another discussion for another time. What I am trying to get at is that my life does not feel like a perfectly wrapped package with a beautiful bow on top this Christmas. And maybe instead of beating myself up about it, I should be thankful. If it were, I don't know that I would truly appreciate Him this Christmas. I feel like because of the mess and the dents and the heartache, I am even more thankful He came and more aware of how much I need Him. And because I am hurting, I am able to sympathize with Him and Mary and Joseph as well. It is amazing what some time in His Word can do. I went in feeling ashamed and came out feeling like He would prefer me this way, messy and tattered and real....desperately in need of Him, rather than puffed up with pride and feeling like I have it all together.  

I hope this brings comfort to anyone reading this who may be feeling a little messy this Christmas.  Know that we have a Savior who is attracted to brokenness, to humility, to authenticity.... and who longs to heal our hearts, not our outward appearances.  He brings everlasting joy, even when temporary happiness eludes us.  Go to Him with whatever weight you are carrying.  He understands.  

"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful..." 

These words are so true right now!  It is an extremely gloomy day, there are pellets of freezing rain hitting my windows, but I am wrapped up in a blanket sitting on the floor next to my fireplace.  I'm so glad to be in here and not out there!  Besides Christmas and all of its awesomeness, I have to really try hard to find the joys of winter.  But I can tell you that my fireplace definitely is one of them!  And snow is fantastic... for like a week ...and then I'm ready for it to go away.  I really dislike being cold and being cooped up inside for months at a time, which is why I'm so thankful Christmas falls at this time in the year because it just makes winter so much better!  The Christmas lights, Christmas music, Christmas cards, Christmas decorations, Christmas movies, Christmas parties... I love it all!  

And then there are all those delicious Christmas goodies!  Most people who know me know that I really like to bake.  And then I love to take what I've made and give it to people.  It seems like I am always making something for someone. I personally think food should be a love language.  Making and giving food is such a fun & tangible way to show you care and to make someone's day! And I have found it to be the case whenever I give anything to anyone, I end up being blessed just as much or more than the recipient.  On the other hand, it is not very much fun to bake for yourself or for your husband who really doesn't care much for sweets.  You end up A) eating it all by yourself and feeling miserable or B) he greets your hours of time spent baking with a big fat "no thanks."   That is until I make chocolate dipped peanut butter ritz cracker sandwiches!  Side note: How can these amazingly delicious things not have a better name?  Corey thinks 'Corey Crack' is pretty fitting :) You should see his face light up when I surprise him with a fresh batch of these babies!  He will literally eat 10 of them at a time.  Think cookie monster. So today I thought I would share this extremely easy recipe with you all so you can treat your husband, friends, family and yourself with them sometime!  Warning: highly addictive!

What you will need:

Ritz Crackers
Creamy peanut butter
Chocolate almond bark

First, begin by assembling the sandwiches.  Using a butter knife, spread some peanut butter onto a ritz cracker.  Don't be stingy!  Then place another ritz cracker on top.  Repeat until you have as many sandwiches as you want to make at one time.  I have found that one package of almond bark will get you through about 3 sleeves of crackers.  So if you plan to make the whole box you may want to grab 2 packages of almond bark.  Once you are done putting the crackers and peanut butter together, place the almond bark in a saucepan and melt over low heat, stirring frequently.  Once it is melted, use a fork to dip the sandwiches in the chocolate.  Flip over until completely coated and then transfer to a sheet of wax paper.  Continue in the same way with the rest of them.  Cool completely. Store in an airtight container and watch them disappear before your eyes!

Look at that sheer joy on his face!!  I'm so glad there is at least one sweet thing I can make that he enjoys and appreciates :)  

I want to share one more recipe with you because it is just sooo yummy this time of year!  It is my pumpkin chocolate chip bread.  Friends and family have tested and approved this bread and some have been known to even beg me for it from time to time.  Although there are a few more ingredients needed, this recipe is also very easy... because things don't always have to be complicated to be good! You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Ingredients:

3 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
4 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 cups canned pumpkin
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

In a large bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, salt and baking soda.  In another bowl, beat the eggs, sugar, pumpkin and oil.  Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Pour into 2 greased 8x4x2 inch loaf pans or 4 mini loaf pans.  Bake at 350 degrees for 60-70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean.  You're going to love how amazing this bread makes your house smell!  Keep a loaf for your family and give the other to someone you love. P.S. if you are making mini loaves, take 10-15 minutes off the baking time.  

One last thing!  I got to host my second annual cookie exchange party this past Saturday.  I had so much fun hanging out with my girlfriends, drinking hot cocoa and cider and decorating sugar cookies!  You should see the awesome assortment of Christmas goodies we each ended up with when it was all said and done.  I'm loving this new tradition.  And the ugly sweaters were the icing on the cake... I mean cookies! 

Have yourself a merry little Christmas!  Let your heart be light.  Love ~ Chelsey 

It has been so long since I logged into my blog that I almost forgot the password! That's pretty bad. Obviously I have not taken the time or the effort to write lately.   I've honestly considered whether or not I should just quit blogging all together.  Sometimes I really love to write and I feel so open and eager to share with you my struggles and what God has done in my life.  But other times, (lately) I kind of feel like being closed off and anything but transparent.  It isn't easy to show you my pain and my weaknesses again and again. But if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that God is faithful to finish what He starts.  He makes beautiful things out of the dust, and out of us.  Sometimes we don't feel like doing what He calls us to do, but are still called to be obedient regardless.  I have learned that my feelings are completely unreliable, and they cannot see past my current circumstances.  I truly believe that me doing this blog was because of God's leading and it would be a mistake for me to quit it in the middle of the story, before He is truly glorified and before whatever He wants to accomplish through it has been accomplished. I have been told that this blog has touched some of your lives and your kindness and love for us have certainly touched mine.  So those reasons are my motivation to keep truckin', even when it is hard. I'm going to try and do a better job of blogging more often just about fun, random stuff!  Not that my life is terribly interesting or exciting.  But it is so good for me to think about and write about all the good things in it none the less!  

The latest news is that I will be going to an infertility specialist in Little Rock in mid-January.  After our consultation, we will consider & pray about our options, which will most likely include and might even be limited to in-vitro fertilization. We hoped and believed that we would never get to the point, but it is now where we find ourselves.  In the meantime,  we are going to do our best to focus on each other and on enjoying this wonderful holiday season! What a perfect time to regroup and remember what all God has done for us, like coming into this world at all.  God humbled Himself to the extent of becoming a human, being born in a barn, living a hard life and dying an excruciating death all because He loved me and wanted me to be His child.  Same with you. When I really stop to think about it, it is truly amazing!  I want to keep a proper perspective of His birth and death and not let it just become a nice story like it so easily can.  

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Christmas season!  May your days be low in stress and high in joy.  As usual, I want to leave you with a song :)  This one gives me chills. All I can say is Hallelujah!

Unfortunately I'm here to tell you once again that I am not pregnant.  I was really hoping this would be the month our prayers would finally be answered!  I don't have much to say that I haven't already said a million times before.  Did your parents ever tell you, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all??"  Well mine did... and I know with the way I am feeling right now, spilling my heart would involve nothing but whining, crying and self pity.  But I don't want that.  I want this blog to be God lead and right now I do not feel him laying anything specific on my heart to share with you.  So I will spare you the "poor me" post and leave you with some wise words from the one and only Corey Nichols:

1) You have to focus on what you have and not on what you don't have

2) There are better people than us going through much worse things than we are

Smart man I tell ya!  He is so right. The Lord knew I needed a strong, even keel man to help keep me out of a constant emotional hailstorm and to talk some sense into me once in a while.  I'm so thankful for him and for all of you.

When I started this blog at the beginning of the year, I had every intention of blogging on a weekly basis.  As you can see, it has not exactly panned out that way!  But I am not going to be too hard on myself, for a change.  I have some good qualities and strengths, but I have realized that consistency and time management are not among them. So why I thought doing a blog was a good idea is beyond me! But it is what it is and I hope The Lord will use my infrequent blog posts to accomplish whatever He wants to accomplish through them, both in my life and the lives of others.  

I suppose some of you might be wondering what is going on since I really haven't given you much info since my surgery back in July!  Well, my post-op appointment went well and we were given the go-ahead to start trying again.  You would think I would be shouting "woo hoo," at the top of my lungs, but in all honesty it feels a whole lot like the feeling you get when boarding a roller coaster... exciting and scary all at the same time. The last roller coaster we were on had a whole lot of sharp turns and steep drops, and we are hoping maybe this one will be a little less jerky. That's the thing about roller coasters though, you never know what you are getting into or whats around the next corner until you get on and go. Anyway, back to my appointment. I was under the impression that I would have to switch to a different fertility drug since I had taken Clomid quite a bit longer than you are technically supposed to.  (The main concern is the increased risk of ovarian cancer with repeatedly hyperstimulating the ovaries with fertility meds).  But my doctor made the decision to keep me on Clomid since I am on the lowest dose and respond well to it, meaning I produce mature eggs. Plus,  I would still have all the same risks if I were on a different ovarian stimulant, such as Femara. Makes sense I guess. I really don't have a choice since I don't ovulate on my own. It is ironic to me that I have all these problems, such as PCOS, endometriosis, infertility... and trying to overcome them increases my risk for other problems.  I feel like hopeless cause sometimes, but nothing or no one is hopeless with my God.  That being said, we are at it again!  

In the past I took Clomid days 5-9 of my cycle, but my doctor switched it to days 3-7 this time around to mix it up a little.  Because of that, I had my follicle ultrasound on day 12 instead of day 14. That morning, we were very happy to see that I had 3 large, mature follicles (eggs)!  We ideally like to have between 1 and 3 mature follicles each month.  No follicles is bad because we have no chance to getting pregnant and more than 3 is bad because  they won't do IUI because of the risk of high order multiples (more than 3 fetuses).  But we had 3, so I headed to the pharmacy to pick up my monthly trigger shot (HCG), which Corey had the pleasure of shooting me up with later that night.  He doesn't like giving them to me any more than I like getting them, but hey...what can you do?  At least I don't freak out as much as I used to!  It is a little nerve wracking to get a shot in your butt from a guy who has no training in that department & has only ever given shots in the mouth with a much, much smaller needle!!  But so far my sciatic nerve is still intact and I have not bled to death, so its all good!  We were scheduled for IUI 36 hours after the shot.  We had the IUI on Sunday, Sept. 21st., which means we are now in the period known in the infertility world as the "two week wait."  Hopefully we'll be getting good news this month!  It is so hard to stay positive after so many months of disappointment... 42 to be exact. Sometimes it is hard for me to even dream about onesies and baby giggles and lullabies anymore.  Lets be honest, I am not always positive and I don't always handle the pitfalls of my infertility with grace.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  I know that I have an enemy working against me who doesn't want me to pray.  But Jesus in His Word teaches us to be persistent when we come to Him. He is the Giver of all good and perfect gifts and the One who loves to grant us the desires of our hearts. The only time he doesn't answer our prayers is when He has something better than what we are asking for. So as we established earlier, I may not be the most consistent person in the world, but you better believe I'm being persistent!  And I thank all of you who are also persistently lifting up prayers for us!!  I feel like a broken record because I say this so much, but it seriously means the world to Corey and me.  Please please keep it up!! 

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Luke 11:9-10 


I also have some good news about my sweet Mama!  Since my last post, we found out that her leukemia is not currently aggressive, nor does she need chemotherapy at this time!!!  For now she will see the hematologist every 3 months for follow-up so he can keep an eye on her.  We couldn't have asked for better news!  Cheers to answered prayers!  I'm asking the Great Physician to continue keeping her on this path.  We know everyone is not so lucky and we are very thankful for her stable condition!  

I cannot tell you how good it feels to be sitting here on my comfortable couch with my dog curled up next to me right now! After a very fun and very busy 11 days in Nebraska, and after being on the go trying to catch up on life since I got home Monday... I am in desperate need of a few moments to unwind and decompress.  I'm finally allowing myself to do that.  So with my laptop on my lap, and my feet kicked up, I'm ready to share my heart with you once again.  

I lit a candle this morning, which I don't do very often, but today I did for some reason.  It is sitting on the table in front of me and I just keep staring at it.  The flame draws me in and I get lost for a few moments.  I can't help but think of all the things a candle and/or flame signify.  They represent a light in the darkness, are the way a couple demonstrates their unity at their wedding, signs of remembrance for those who have gone before us, etc.  In the Bible, The Holy Spirit came upon the disciples as tongues of fire (Acts 2:3) and Jesus proclaims that He is the Light of the World (John 8:12).  For me, candles also often bring me to a place of thoughtfulness and prayerfulness.  

As I pull my attention away from the flickering flame and back onto the computer screen, I say with a heavy heart that this journal/blog entry is not going to be quite like I planned.  I was planning to get back from my extended "Tour of Nebraska" visiting family and friends and tell you all about how awesome and wonderful and amazing it was.  No bad news, no tears, no worries... that was the plan. And just so you know, it was awesome and wonderful and amazing in so many ways!  I got to spend time with nearly all of my family members who are spread out across Nebraska, I  had some good alone time in the car driving and listening to an amazing audiobook, jamming out and praying.  I was able to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in years and visit friends who I see every time I'm home.  I got to do 2 great photo shoots and attend my cousin's wedding.  That  was all awesome!  I am so thankful that my flexible schedule and supportive husband allow me to take off for 11 days for trips like this!  

God knew I needed to be in Nebraska at that time and He put that on my heart.  It truly wasn't the best timing... being that I just had surgery and was still supposed to be on my couch recovering and taking it easy, rather than driving 20 hours roundtrip by myself and being on the go constantly.  But I was bound and determined to go at that time and I didn't really know why...  I just was.  I was set to take off for Nebraska on Friday, August 8th.  A few weeks before that, my Mom had a routine physical and the blood work they drew showed that her white blood cells were slightly elevated.  Her doctor repeated the test a few weeks later and the number increased greatly.... from 14,000 to 22,000.  So, her family doctor recommended that she see a hematologist, just to be safe.  I should mention that between the first and second blood draws, she had bunion surgery on her foot. I ended up deciding to go back a day earlier than planned to go to that appointment with my Mom and stepdad, Dennis.  Mom was hobbling around on her crutches with a big smile on her face when I walked into the office to meet them.  She was just so happy I was home and so certain that her wacky lab results had to be related to the surgery that I don't think it even crossed her mind that it could be something more.  It was just too coincidental she kept saying.  But the white blood cells were elevated before the surgery & thats what scared me. Deep in my heart I knew it was more. So, we met with the doctor and he talked about some different possibilities, but overall seemed pretty upbeat and and just wanted to do some more blood work to rule some things out. They made her another appointment for a week later to go over the results.  So, the week went by and before we knew it we were sitting in his office again.  I don't think anything could have prepared my Mom for what she heard when he walked in the room.  "The blood work came back and confirmed that you have chronic lymphocytic leukemia...  Jennifer, you have cancer."  I could feel my heart start pounding and my face turning red with heat.  The tears followed almost instantly.  There was no holding them back.  I kept looking at my Mom who sat there so in shock, listening to what the doctor was saying and trying to take it all in. It wasn't until we got to the car that she let it go and really began to cry.  The 3 of us spent some time sitting in the car in the parking lot just talking, crying and praying. What more could we do?  We are not sure yet what the next steps will be.  She had more blood work drawn a few days ago to determine how aggressive the cells are and whether or not she needs chemotherapy at this time.  We are praying she won't need it now or ever!  Some people are able to lead a pretty 'normal' life with chronic leukemia, they just have to be more careful about getting sick and make sure to do preventative measures like flu shots, etc.  I'm hoping with everything in me that she will be one of those people!

I am so glad I was able to be with my Mom during all of this to support her, hold her hand, give hugs, pray and cry with her.  I hope my presence brought her some comfort.  As I said before, God knew I needed to be there, for her sake and mine.  As a daughter, my heart is hurting for my Mom.  She has lost both of her parents to death in the past year, had surgery a month ago and now this life changing news.  The poor girl needs a break!  I feel so helpless. But at the same time, as a believer, I am able to see this trial through a godly perspective.  I see now that The Lord didn't lay it on my heart a few months ago to do all that studying and learning about trials through 1 Peter 1:6-9 and James 1:2-12 just for my own current struggles, but also to prepare me for this.  I feel like He is whispering in my heart, "Ok, you've talked the talk, now are you going to walk the walk? You've proclaimed that you believe that I am good and that all My ways are good, so will you keep proclaiming?  You believe I have allowed you to go through infertility because I love you,  do you believe I'm allowing your Mom to go through leukemia because I love her too? Do you truly believe I have a greater purpose in this and that it is not in vain?"  Man, those are some tough questions.  But the answer to all of them is a resounding YES!  

Mom, I know this is an uncertain and frightening time for you.  It is hard not to know what the future holds or how this cancer will affect your life.  If I can offer you 2 pieces of encouragement, they are this: 

1) "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.... Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:2-12

2) You are so very loved 

As my attention is drawn back to the flame that is burning before me, I lift up my sweet Momma in prayer before the Lord.  He is the Light of the World and I can't imagine walking through the darkness without Him. Please God, give her peace in the storm, the strength to move on and lavish Your great love upon her every step of the way. Amen.

Post Surgery Update

I am so thankful that my surgery is now in the past and that I am writing this update feeling pretty darn good one week out!  I am beyond grateful for all the encouragement and love we have received. Between my birthday and the surgery,  I have been incredibly spoiled with cards, gifts, meals, texts, facebook messages, phone calls... and most importantly, all the prayers that have been said on my behalf! So many people loving on me in their own special ways.  What a blessing every bit of it has been!    

I had such a peace about the surgery, even up to the moment they wheeled me into the operating room.  I could feel God's presence. The surgery itself went very well according to my doctor! He did find some mild endometriosis, which he was able to completely remove. Praise The Lord! Most of it was located between my uterus and abdominal wall, which explained some of the symptoms I had been having.  He also drained several cysts off of both of my ovaries.  One of the cysts on my right ovary was very large.  He felt like the surgery was definitely needed and should increase our chances of getting pregnant!  We are so happy not only to have it over with, but to have some answers as well.  We now know that I did in fact have some endometriosis.  We also know that there is nothing else unusual going on in there.  He did not see any abnormalities in my anatomy or any unusual scar tissue or anything else that might be of concern.  Not only did we get answers, but we also got some things corrected.  The endometriosis tissue that was there has been removed and the cysts on my ovaries have been drained.  Unfortunately, both the endometriosis and the cysts may return at some point.  My doctor says the best way to keep endometriosis at bay is to get pregnant soon.  We are hoping and praying that is God's will! Corey and I are both summer babies and we would love to have a sweet summer baby of our own :) We continue to trust that if part of God's plan involves us being parents, He will bless us with that opportunity at the perfect time.  

The surgery was done outpatient, so I was able to come home and did not have to stay overnight in the hospital. The evening of the surgery I was still pretty loopy from all the drugs they gave me, but I didn't have any pain, so that was a plus!  The next couple of days I experienced a lot more pain, cramping and bloating... but it was manageable with the pain pills.  A whole lot of sleeping occurred in that 3 days span.  By Saturday, I started to feel more alive and each day since then has continually gotten better and better.  My hubby took such great care of me through it all!

Speaking of my hubby, today is our 4 year anniversary!!!!  I am so proud to be married to that man!  I could cry buckets right now just thinking about all the amazingly good and incredibly hard times we have already experienced together. Our marriage is far from perfect, but we continue to learn and to grow with each passing year, by God's grace.  It is such a beautiful thing to be a part of!  I have been thinking today about how I had so many unrealistic expectations coming into this marriage and to be honest, he failed at meeting most of them.  But at the same time,  he somehow ended up exceeding all of them by showing me that this real, genuine, imperfect love we share is so much better than the fairy tale I thought I wanted.  What a great lesson that I really needed to learn.  God is so good! He knew just what I needed in a husband, in a life partner and in a better half.  What a journey it has been already. Thank you Corey Christopher for loving me unconditionally, providing for me, supporting me in my endeavors, helping me grow in my faith and being my rock!  I absolutely love the fun, silly, smart, courageous guy that you are. You make life so much sweeter!  And to think, our love for each other is only a glimpse of God's love for us... amazing!  

"In your eyes I see forever, makes me wish that my life never knew the day before you. Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you were shaping my heart for the that day I found you. If you're the reason for all that I've been through, then I'm thankful for the day before you. Now you're here and everything's changing.  Suddenly life means so much! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and find out this promise is true. I will never have to go back to the day before you."  Those are a few of the lyrics from the song we chose for our first dance on our wedding day. Still so appropriate and they mean even more now than they did then :)

So, now what?  I'm 30, I'm post surgery and it's my anniversary.  All I can say is "cheers" to a great decade and a new chapter in the story of my life!  I can rest knowing that the Author knows exactly what He is doing.  So far I can't complain... after all, I've never been one for a boring book!  

Hello, it's me again!  But of course you already know that since this is my blog. I should have a guest writer sometime to switch it up on you.  I'm sure he/she would prove to be much more interesting than me anyway.  I'll look into that :) But for now, I hope anyone and everyone who reads this post had a fantastic weekend!  I for one had a great weekend in Branson with my hubby and our dear friends, Andrew and Page.  We ate, shopped, ate, rode amusement park rides, ate... you get the idea. It was such a blast, but boy am I tired right now. I can't complain though, because overall I'm doing pretty good, as long as I don't think about a rapidly approaching momentous event called 'my 30th birthday.'  To be honest, I have been dreading it for quite some time, and now it is almost here. But there is good news! I have figured out a way to literally numb the pain of turning 30.  You do what I'm going to do, you have surgery on your birthday!  I know you may not initially think this sounds like an awesome idea, but consider this... I will be knocked out for part of the day in a deep slumber and when I wake up I will be on pain pills with my hubby as my own personal nurse taking care of me.  Also, I don't have to cook for like a week! That in itself is stinkin awesome! Doesn't sound too bad after all, does it?  Maybe in my medication induced euphoria I won't even realize I turned 30.  If by chance I do realize it.... maybe I won't care! That's what I'm hoping for. Trying to look on the bright side, folks!  But on a more serious note, as much as I would love for that to be the case, I am smart enough to know that eventually my little dream world will wear off and my hubby will go back to work and I will have to face the painful reality...  I'm 30 and still not pregnant.  Thats a tough one, because I have always had this unspoken timeline deep in my mind..."at least if I'm pregnant by the time I'm 30."  But thats not how God works. He doesn't go by our schedules and deadlines.  He is not limited by our ideas about how long we are fertile and at what point our eggs are too old.  Look at Sarah, look at Elizabeth.  There is still hope for me.  

Like my 30th birthday, this surgery has been out ahead of us for a while now and we have known it was probably coming.  With each passing month of negative pregnancy tests, it kept creeping closer and closer and becoming more and more likely. Now the time has come where we feel like it needs to happen and we should just get it over with. So on Wednesday, July 30th at 1 p.m., I will be having an 'exploratory laparoscopy' to rule out endometriosis.  I will likely have 2 small incisions on my lower abdomen and 1 in my belly button.  My abdominal cavity will be inflated with gas to push the wall of my abdomen away from the organs, which will allow my doctor to see everything more clearly. If he finds areas of endometriosis, they will be removed either my cutting or by a laser.  I will also be having another procedure done at the same time called 'ovarian drilling.'  Sounds awful, I know.  This is where tiny holes will be drilled all over my ovaries to drain out the PCOS cysts that I have.  My right ovary is especially prone to these.  It currently looks like a bunch of grapes.  The goal after drilling is that the ovaries will then function better, produce good eggs, promote hormonal balance, etc.  The recovery from all of this is expected to be around a week, with the first couple of days being the worst.  I am hopeful that I will have a quick recovery and be back on my feet in no time!  

Corey and I are both anxious to know what this surgery will show. We can't help but think there is more going on in there than we know.  I mean I already have PCOS, so why not throw in some endometriosis, too?? (she says very sarcastically)!!! It has been 16 months since I was pregnant last and we have been doing everything medically possible to get there. With the exception of a few months here and there, everything has appeared ideal... but we still haven't conceived. So truthfully, we are just hoping for some answers and praying that if endometriosis is present, treating it will be the key to us finally getting and staying pregnant.  

As much as I am not looking forward to the surgery or the recovery, I do have an unusual sense of peace about it.  I know that is from God. It could only be from God.  We have been praying for His guidance and direction and feel He has led us to this point. I believe this is part of His plan and I pray it might be a part where He reveals some things to us.  Maybe it will be, maybe it won't. Either way, I will keep praising Him for who He is and for all He has done for undeserving little me.  I know without a doubt that He will be with me every second of the surgery day.  I know He will give wisdom to Dr. Hix and his team. I like to picture Him directing their hands.  I know He will calm any nerves Corey might have as he waits.  I have to keep reminding myself of everything I learned a few weeks ago about His faithfulness in our trials.  He is maturing me, sanctifying me and purifying me.  He is good and He is somehow working out good in my life through this.  And because of that, I know its going to be ok... even when I'm thirty.  

Tonight I am in one of 'those' moods.  You know, the kind of mood where you get this unusually hyper feeling in the evening and start cleaning everything in sight like a mad woman.  Don't disturb me, I'm in the zone. Yeah... one of those.

I used to be such a night owl!  Going to bed at midnight was early for me back in my college & post college days.  I remember always being wide awake super late at night back in college, even when I had to get up super early for nursing clinicals.  After I graduated, I worked night shift, so that in no way encouraged me to change my ways.  Once I got married, I still worked 7a.m. to 7 p.m., three days a week.  My hubby was in dental school at the time and had class or clinic all day every day during the week for the most part.  On the rare occasion he was not studying and I was not working, we got to be home together in the evening.  It did not matter how hard I tried not to, I used to get super energized around 9 or 10 p.m. and would clean like a mad woman, grocery shop, write letters/cards, paint my nails.... all sorts of fun stuff. It would drive Corey crazy that just as he was ready to go to bed, I would get a second wind. And if we went to bed at the same time, I would always want to have an in-depth, deep conversation and all he wanted was to go to sleep!  I don't know what happened, but about 2 years after we got married I suddenly started being ready for bed at like 9:30! I guess it's called getting old. Well, I suppose it probably also had a lot to do with the fact that for the first time in my life I was working an 8-5 schedule, 5 days a week rather than the graveyard shift on differing days every week. Suddenly my life was running on a way more normal schedule than anything I had known in a very long time. Corey was quite fond of my newfound evening sleepiness.  I think He was secretly praising God that I finally came around!

So earlier tonight, as I was taking the sheets off the bed to throw them in the wash machine, I got to thinking about how long it had been since I had vacuumed the mattress.  Like maybe once in the past 2 or 3 years.... maybe. It was time! So I went to grab the box of baking soda to sprinkle on there, and after I did, I decided to also sprinkle it all over our couches, down our garbage disposal and on the dog.  Yes that really happened. I'm thinking she might be a little traumatized, but she'll recover. At least she smells good!

So since my house is spotless, I am still wide awake and my hubby is in bed snoring (just like old times,) I decided I would sit down and tell you some of my favorite uses for baking soda!  This is my way of making the world a better place today.  Or at least a less smelly place.

1. Clean and deodorize your mattress and furniture:  Just sprinkle baking soda all over your mattress and let it sit for at least 30 minutes.  Then vacuum the entire mattress using the upholstery attachment on your vacuum. This will remove dust mites, dead skin cells and odors.  Gross!  It is recommended that you do this every 6 months or every time you rotate your mattress. 

2. Clean your garbage disposal:  Run hot water for a minute.  Turn off water and dump 1/4 cup baking soda down the drain.  Wait 10-15 minutes.  Pour 1 cup of vinegar in the drain.  (It will bubble).  Then run hot water for a minute and turn on disposal for a few seconds.  So fresh and so clean!

3. Exfoliate your face and body:  I really love this one!  Dump some baking soda in a plastic container with a lid and put it in the shower.  Once or twice a week, put some baking soda in your hand and mix with a small amount of water to make a paste.  Scrub your face for 30 seconds and rinse off.  You will be amazed at how soft it feels!  Do the same thing with your whole body if you'd like to feel like you have baby skin.

4. Laundry: Add 1/2 cup to laundry loads to freshen and brighten.  Just put it right in with the clothes.  Still use detergent like normal as well.  This is especially good for towels and sheets, but can be used with anything. 

5. Clean fruits and veggies:  Sprinkle on fresh produce and rub to get all that dirt and gunk off before eating.

6. Deodorize the dog:  I have to say, tonight was the first time I tried this one and although I laughed hysterically while I was doing it, it really did work!  She was starting to smell like she could use a bath and it is not quite time yet.... but a little baking soda "shower" took care of that!  Just sprinkle on, rub all over and then brush.  Then please, by all means... give the poor dog a treat!! Here is poor little Mocha feeling embarassed after I put baking soda all over her.  Corey says he hopes I won't do the same to him next time he smells.  Don't put it past me, babe!  

7. Freshen carpet:  Sprinkle baking soda all over your carpets, let sit for 15 minutes and then vacuum.

8. Sweet or unsweet tea:  add a pinch of baking soda to the pitcher before adding the boiling water.  Let steep for 15 minutes. Add sugar if desired.  The baking soda makes the tea really smooth and takes away any bitterness or cloudiness because it neutralizes the tannins in the tea.  Who wants bitter, cloudy tea?  Ha ha.  But seriously.

9. Hamper:  sprinkle at the bottom of your hamper or on the clothes in the hamper to keep the hamper smelling fresh until laundry day.

10. Remove oil and products from hair:  Put shampoo in your hand and then add a small amount of baking soda to it and lather in your hair. Rinse out and your hair will feel amazing!

So there you have it folks... the reasons why I love what my husband calls 'white magic!' He likes to make fun of my love of cleaning & germaphobe ways.  One more thing, even though it doesn't include baking soda.  This is the all purpose cleaner I use and love.  Add 2/3 cup water, 2/3 vinegar, 2/3 cup alcohol and 3 drops dish soap to a spray bottle and shake.  I clean my kitchen counters with this almost daily.  It smells so fresh and lasts a long time.  Plus it is natural and non toxic, which I am really into lately.  On that note, I've been told I am turning into a 'hipster.'  This took me by surprise at first but the more I think about it, I guess it is probably true.  Fine by me! Sometimes I wonder how our Grandma's did it without all the fancy cleaners and cleaning tools we have these days.  I guess they just stuck with good ole' baking soda, vinegar and peroxide and got along just fine. I like keeping it as old school as possible.  It's cheaper, easier, safer and it makes me feel like Grandma.  I like that :)  But don't you dare try to take my Dyson.  That I will NOT give up!

Happy cleaning!!

The reason I decided to look closely at another verse is because I think it is powerful when we realize that the same theme is repeated over and over by different people throughout the Bible.... not just briefly mentioned and then never brought up again. Did you ever notice the theme running through David’s writings? He painted a picture of utter trial and turmoil in his life, yet maintained an internal compass that pointed to God. Most of us tend to look for happiness based on external circumstances in our lives, but David discovered a deeper joy grounded within. Most of us strive for happiness that’s external and temporary, but David teaches us to move towards a place of deeper well-being, where we develop trust and hope in God that extends beyond our external realities.  In the New Testament, Jesus had much to say about inevitable trials and suffering in our lives and how we should approach them.... as did Paul, James and now Peter (among others).  This topic is taught over and over in the Scriptures, so to me that means it is important! Of course everything in the Bible is important.... but you know what I mean. 

“In this you great rejoice, though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not see you love.  Though now you do not see him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9

"In this you great rejoice, though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials..." Peter teaches several important principles of trouble in this verse:

1. trouble does not last (a little while)
2. trouble serves a purpose (if need be)
3. trouble brings distress (you have been grieved)
4. trouble comes in various forms (various trials)
5. trouble should not diminish the Christian’s joy (greatly rejoice) 

This once again speaks of the kind of joy that comes from an unchanging, eternal relationship with God. Peter relates this joy to the assurance of one’s eternal inheritance and the assurance of one’s proven faith.  It is not dismissing the emotion of trials.  It is not saying that when trials come along, you shouldn't experience any sorrow or that you shouldn't be broken or wounded. Rather, its about viewing this trial through a different lens than the rest of the unbelieving world.  It's having a biblical view of your hardship in a way that doesn't allow you to conclude that the only result to what you can see and what you're going through is hopelessness and despair. Even though it hurts so bad, you can have joy (different than happiness) and hope in the midst of the pain because you know God is good and God is somehow working in your life for your benefit. God’s purpose in allowing trouble is to test the genuineness of one’s faith. The benefit of such testing or “fire” is for the Christian, not God. When a believer comes through a trial still trusting the Lord, he is assured that his faith is real.  

"...that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire...." After gold is mined, it is placed into a red hot furnace.  The purpose is not to destroy the gold; it is to purify the gold.  When the gold is melted, the dross (scum) is drawn off and you are left with pure gold.  When God tests us, He puts us into the furnace.  He does not do it to destroy or harm us, he does it to purify us.  That is what develops Christian character.  At the time of testing, the scum is drawn off and precious gold appears.  That’s God’s method. He is drawing us closer to Him.  There are no shortcuts to maturity.  The only thing that will bring us to true maturation is the trial of our faith which God sends us.  Trials do produce distress for a little while. They come like fire to burn off the dross. And that's the point. Not only do they reveal your faith, but they purify it. And what emerges is a faith that is more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire. When you get your faith tested, it comes out purer, more precious. And I will tell you, with that in your mind, you...instead of asking for God to protect you from trials, should ask Him to make sure He puts you through all the trials necessary to give you the confidence that your faith is real. Just think of the trials the apostles went through.  I mean Peter was facing crucifixion when he wrote these words for goodness sake!

"...may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ...." The revelation of Jesus Christ refers to His second coming, when He comes to call and reward His redeemed people.  At that time He will be unveiled and every eye will see and every heart will know that He is God.  That is when our suffering will end and we will be taken to heaven where there will be no sin, no death, no trials.  Until then, we are protected by a living hope, divine power, trials and eternal purpose. Look at verse 7.  We are headed for something big... "to be found in praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  Our faith is designed to survive to the end.  This is an amazing promise!We have a proven and tested faith that finds its fulfillment in the purpose and plan of God in the union with the Lord Jesus at His appearing, at which time we receive glory, praise and honor from God. Can you even imagine?  It goes right back to the reason we were saved in the beginning, we were chosen so that we would be brought to eternal glory.  We have a heavenly home. He's preparing a place for us. We're just passing through this world. We're not citizens here. 

"...whom having not see you love.  Though now you do not see him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith, the salvation of your souls." We know this passage is talking to believers because you can’t love God without believing in Him. And only genuine faith causes one to love what he or she has not seen and enables one to rejoice through trials and ultimately receive the reward of salvation.  This goes against everything the world tells us.  If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior and received the gift of the Holy Spirit, you have been given a faith that never perishes. You have been given a faith that is protected by the power of God, a faith that has a hope that never dies, a faith sustained by a divine power that can't be overthrown, a faith that is proven, tested, strengthened through trials, a faith that is designed for the fulfillment of eternal glory which was promised before the world began, a faith that contains within it an undying love for Christ. And the outcome of that faith will be the obtaining of the final salvation of your souls. Simply put, there is no escape from this reality. The result of this saving faith is your final salvation... and it will be yours because this faith will persevere and endure to the very end. That is the nature of this faith. It is nothing less than a permanent gift from God.  In one sense, Christians now possess the result of their faith, a constant deliverance from the power of sin and the gift of Holy Spirit as a "Helper" through this life. In another sense, we are waiting to receive the full salvation of eternal glory in the redemption of our bodies. In our day there is too much emphasis on the present life.  We are told that we must develop ourselves into whole individuals and if we are having trouble, something is wrong with our Christianity.  Instead of so much introspection we ought to be looking out towards our Great God and the marvelous inheritance He has waiting for us. We should stop this attempt of trying to improve our old nature through the power of the flesh. God is the only one in the business of improving us and His way of doing that is through various trials.  It is not at all popular to teach that God will grow and mature us through suffering, but it is true. We must remember that these trials are only temporary and always compare them in the light of eternity. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."  Romans 8:18

Up until this point, most of the past 3+ years of this trial have been spent wallowing in sadness and self pity.  I have tended to lean more towards feeling like God had abandoned me or was punishing me than to feel like He was working out something good in my life and strengthening my faith.  I have felt more doubt than trust, more anger than joy.  I gave in to worldly perspectives and the lies of the enemy.  I am so thankful God revealed this information to me when He did!   Although it has been right in front of me all along, my heart was not ready to receive it until now.  I do not feel like this infertility journey will suddenly be easy, but I do feel like I am finally able to see it with an eternal, godly perspective.  I am able to understand that God is doing something in and through me in the midst of this.  He is maturing me, sanctifying me and He is hopefully somehow being glorified.  He has allowed me to go through this because He loves me.  In my eyes, that is the true meaning of "tough love."  Although I can't believe I am able to even to say this, I am thankful for this trial of infertility.  Without this heartbreaking experience, where would I be?  Without all the sleepless nights and tears and time on my knees in prayer, would I know that His grace truly is sufficient?  Would I have come to this place where what I finally want more than to be a Mom is to be a genuine child of God? This place where I finally get that it is Him who fills all of my empty places that I had been trying to fill with a baby? If I had been blessed with a baby easily and without any suffering, would I realize what a gift I had been given?  Would I take him/her for granted?  If my life the past 3 years had been comfortable and easy and everything had gone my way, I just don't know that I would have understood how much I need Him every second of every day. I know He has something amazing for me on the other side of this trial and this life. For believers, there is always the crown that follows the cross.   And that gives me so much hope. That gives me true joy!  

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."  C.S. Lewis  

What is God shouting to you in the midst of your pain?  Please listen and let Him speak to your heart. You won't be sorry you did!  I pray that we will all learn to cling to God and His promises in our trials.  "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28  

I want to warn you that this post is pretty long.  I have put a lot of time into writing it and I really hope it will be worth your time reading it!

A few weeks ago I was doing my "breaking free" homework and Beth Moore gave an assignment. She said to search God's Word for Scriptures that speak the mind of God to your specific stronghold and then write these verses on notecards and read them over and over again frequently.  Well, I did that, and ever since then two of the verses have really challenged me.  I keep reading them and asking myself why I didn't find some easier verses!?! But I think I found just the verses God wanted me to find. According to Beth, a Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and Spirit-filled life God has planned for her. You see, the greatest area of captivity in my life right now is this trial of infertility for many different reasons.  It has been a tool the devil has used to breed bitterness and anger in my heart. Having a baby became an idol in my life without me even knowing it, and removed God from His rightful place as Lord of my life. This quest to have a child has also encouraged me to become very self-centered, has caused difficulty in my marriage and has strained other relationships in my life.  It has also been a financial and physical burden.  I could go on and on. No area of my life has been untouched by this trial.  

Because I have been thinking about these verses so much lately, I decided over the past week or so to do some research on what some of my favorite Bible teachers had to say about them in the commentaries. Please know that most of this wisdom is not mine, but that of John McArthur, J. Vernon McGee and Beth Moore.  I hope you will find the following information as helpful as I have.  I wanted to share it with you because I am realizing that this topic of "rejoicing in trials" is something I so desperately needed to learn about and I think this information can benefit all of us. The Bible pretty much guarantees that we will all face trials of some kind at some point in our lives.  It's not "if" but "when."  

Here is the first verse I would like to break down and study. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away. For no sooner has the sun risen with a burning heat that it withers the grass; its flower falls and its beautiful appearance perishes. So the rich man also will fade in his pursuits.  Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:2-12

So we start off with the phrase, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials." The natural human response to trials is not to rejoice; therefore the believer must make a conscious commitment to face them with joy. The Bible teaches that happiness is fleeting because it depends on things outside of ourselves, such as circumstances or people, but true joy is eternal because it is based on our faith in Jesus Christ, which is itself an everlasting source of joy. Happiness is an emotion, joy is an attitude of the heart.  When happiness fades,  joy remains.  The enemy tries to steal our joy and replace it with temporary happiness.  Philippians 3:1 says "Rejoice in the Lord" and signifies the sphere in which the believer’s joy exists—a sphere unrelated to the circumstances of life, but related to an unchanging relationship to the Sovereign Lord.  The word trial means “a person, thing or situation that tests a person’s endurance or forbearance."  God brings such tests to prove— and increase— the strength and quality of one’s faith and demonstrate its validity.  God has a goal in mind, you can count on that.  Trials are meaningless, suffering is senseless, and testing is irrational unless there is some good purpose for them.  Here James is speaking not about a natural feeling you should have, but rather the attitude of your heart toward your trouble. When we are in the fires of adversity and tragedy, the attitude of faith should be that God has permitted it for a purpose and He has a high and lofty goal in view.  We can know that God is working something out in our lives. It does not necessarily mean we will understand the purpose God has in it. This is the test of faith.  We walk by faith and not by sight.  If the believer fails the test by wrongly responding, that test then becomes a temptation or a solicitation to evil.  In my case, I have spent a lot of time wrongly responding to this trial and it has caused bitterness, anger, pity, selfishness, a desire to "play God" and take matters into my own hands.  What God had been trying to use for a good purpose had become an area of sin in my life.  Often I have not chosen joyfulness, but sorrow and pity. When I do this, I am seeing this trial through the world's eyes and not God's eyes.

James says that the testing of your faith produces patience, (better translated endurance). Through tests, a Christian will learn to withstand the pressure of a trial until God removes it at His appointed time and even cherish the benefit.  Sometimes trials are sent to keep us humble.  Trials are painful, but purposeful.  See 2 Corinthians 7:10. God would not remove the thorn as Paul requested, but would continually supply him with grace to endure it.  The weaker the human instrument, the more clearly God’s grace shines forth.  Paul took no pleasure in the pain itself, but rejoiced in the power of Christ that is revealed through him. He was able to cherish the benefit of his trial.  

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  The word perfect in the verse is not a reference to sinless perfection, but rather spiritual maturity.  The testing of faith drives believers to deeper communion and greater trust in Christ.  These are qualities that produce a stable, godly and righteous character. God gives us testing and trials to produce patience in our lives that we might become full-grown, mature children of God and not remain babes, immature in our faith.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." Only divine wisdom enables believers to be joyous and submissive in the trials of life.  Asking of God is a necessary part of the believer’s prayer life.  God intends that trials will drive believers to greater dependency on Him, by showing them their own inadequacy. Being double minded denotes having one’s mind or soul divided between God and the world.  J. Vernon McGee speaks of how you can believe in God, but still not believe God.  He himself went many years not really believing God would get him through hard times in his life.  So often we turn a problem over to the Lord and believe Him, but the next day we do not believe Him. We decide that nothing has shown up by way of a solution, so we take matters into our own hands. That is a big mistake. If you are going to work out your problem for yourself, then God cannot work it out for you. I know I have done that time and time again.  I pray to God and I say the words with my mouth but does my heart completely believe without a shadow of doubt that He will deliver me?  Not always.  I hate to say that I often feel like a wave of the sea, tossed by the winds.  One day I am so confident in the Lord that I feel like I could walk on water and the next day I am drowning in my sorrows.  I don't want to live like that anymore. 

"Let the lowly brother glory in his exaltation, but the rich in his humiliation, because as a flower of the field he will pass away. For no sooner has the sun risen with a burning heat that it withers the grass; its flower falls and its beautiful appearance perishes.  So the rich man also will fade in his pursuits."  Trials make all believers equally dependent on God and bring them to the same level with each other by keeping them from becoming preoccupied with earthly things. Poor Christians and wealthy ones can both rejoice that God is no respecter of earthly material status and that they both have the privilege of being identified with Christ.  God wants to bring ALL those who are His own to full maturity as Christians and he has many tests for doing that.  He tests all His children to see if they are genuine, to weed out the phonies and the pseudo saints.  He also wants to give assurance to His children.  We should not regard our trials as evidence that we are not His children, but rather proof that we are.  J. Vernon McGee says, “My friend, if you are not having any trouble today, you should question your salvation; if you are having trouble, that is a good sign that you belong to Him."  Wow, thats a bold statement!  Take it in and digest it for a while because I think there is a lot of truth to it.  If you are a Christian, someone or something is always going to be testing you....whether it be God, the devil or the world.  

"Blessed is the man who endures trials; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” The word blessed in reference to a person means, "made holy." Sanctification, the process of being made holy, takes place throughout the lives of believers.  If he has been approved or “passed the test” he has successfully and victoriously gone through his trials, indicating he is genuine because his faith has endured.  The crown of life is the believers ultimate reward, eternal life, which God has promised to him and will grant in full at death or at Christ’s coming.  Although everyone who believes in Jesus Christ and accepts Him as Lord and Savior is saved, there will be degrees of rewards for believers based on how they lived here on earth.  I don’t know about you, but I’d like to have that crown, the crown which he offers to those who, after they have endured the testings of this life, love Him.  

To be continued next week with 1 Peter 1:6-9 and my closing thoughts.  Thanks for hanging in there with me!  :)  

Good morning!  I wanted to give you an update on what has gone on the past few weeks with us.  I had the HSG procedure done and am happy to report that everything looked great!  My fallopian tubes were clear as could be and my uterus was the right shape.  Praise God!  My uterus did appear to be a little bit anteverted (tipped forward) which, according to my doctor, is very common and does not seem to effect fertility. It was so nice to finally hear that something is "normal" for a change.  I could get used to that! The procedure itself was not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be...just some mild cramping.  The radiology staff was so friendly and wonderful.  They explained everything they were doing step by step, gave me a warm blanket because I was freezing and were just very genuine people. The man who did the procedure walked me through each picture afterwards and explained it all to me.  I so appreciated being able to get unofficial results that day rather than having to wait for several days to hear anything. 

Like I said in a previous post, my OB-GYN suggested we do clomid one last time this month as well as IUI because fertility can be improved for a little while following an HSG procedure.   So I took the clomid days 5-7 of my cycle like usual.  I had the HSG on day 6 and went in for my vaginal ultrasound on day 13 to check for follicles. Unfortunately there was only one follicle and it was not quite mature. So my doctor had me come in again the next morning to check again.  The 2nd ultrasound on Saturday morning showed that the follicle (egg) had actually gotten smaller and my uterine lining was also thinner than normal.  This had never happened before.  The doctor explained that at some point your body can stop responding to the medication.  We talked about how it is probably time to just got ahead with the laparoscopic surgery to check for endometriosis, clean it out if needed and also do ovarian drilling because of all the small PCOS cysts on my right ovary that are there.  My ovary looks like a bunch of grapes.  Not a pretty sight.  But ovarian drilling?? I do not like the sound of that! Apparently it is where they "drill" a bunch of tiny holes all over your ovaries to drain out all of those small cysts. The goal is that your ovaries will function better after this is done.  I guess it makes sense.  My doctor wanted me to come back Monday to do one more ultrasound just to make sure, but warned us that most likely nothing will have changed.  

I had a rough day Saturday after this appointment.  We finally had some good news with the HSG being normal and we were hopeful that this last month of clomid and IUI might just be it for us! I was thankful to have one more chance before undergoing surgery.  But I ended up with no mature eggs and a poor uterine lining.  Not what we had in mind.  I totally broke down.  I cried and cried and cried all weekend long.  I was angry and frustrated that whenever we seem to get good news or something that makes us hopeful, it is always quickly followed by disappointment. Infertility is accompanied by a really bizarre kind of grieving because there is no closure.  There is no guarantee that any of the money spent, time spent, medications taken, procedures done, tears cried or prayers said will ever result in a baby in your arms.  That reality overwhelms me sometimes. I spent all day Saturday just wanting to be alone and and pitying myself.  That night I had a hard time falling to sleep and woke up wide awake Sunday morning at 3:30 a.m.  I laid there until 5 trying to go back to sleep, but just tossed and turned.  So I finally got up.  I felt like God woke me up to go spend some time with Him.  Even though I knew there was nothing I needed more, I just didn't feel like it.  But I went out in the living room and sat down with my Bible and tried to read.  I just stared at it and wasn't really getting anywhere.  So I closed it and got down on my knees and just poured my heart out to Jesus.  I didn't know what to say so I told Him that.  I told Him that I'm growing weary of praying the same prayers over and over and that I am physically and emotionally exhausted.  The words of a Sanctus Real song were my reality. "I bow my head to pray, I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how to fix the things I'm dealing with. I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight....but I just don't know how to let it all pour out.  And though I'm silent, my heart is crying...because I was made to come to You.  So I pray.  God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my needs, You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your Name, I'm gonna pray."  And I realized that I don't always need to be talking or reading.  Sometimes I just need to be with Jesus in the silence.  Sometimes I need to just listen.

I made some coffee and got ready for church feeling a little better.  I was part of the worship team that morning and I knew it was going to be a challenge to get through some of the songs on the set list. By now,  those who have been reading my blog know how very powerful music is to me.  I love to worship God through music and singing, and I feel like He often speaks to me through music as well. So as we were singing, "Blessed be Your Name, on the road marked with suffering.  Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your Name...."  my heart was overcome.  Often I am really hard on myself for periodically falling into these ruts and being outwardly upset, angry or frustrated.  I wonder what it does for my testimony as a Christian?  But in that moment, as I was worshipping Him, these words encouraged me.  Right now I am on a road marked with suffering and there is definitely pain in my offering.... but there is still an offering. Sometimes I don't have much to give, but I still try to give what I have to Jesus.  I still want Him to receive glory and I want His Name to be blessed. I have to remember that He is the Creator of emotions.  It is no surprise to Him that I experience all of these different feelings.  I am made in His image.  The difference is that God is emotionally perfect and I am emotionally imperfect.  He is always just in His jealousy and righteous in His anger, where I sometimes am not.  He knew I was going to have struggles in this life and not be able to always handle my emotions in a sinless way and that is what His grace is all about.  When I confess my sins and repent, He is faithful to provide everything thing I need to to get through whatever this life may bring.  He will never leave. What a beautiful reality!

Monday morning Corey and I had the appointment with my doctor. We went in planning to schedule the surgery and ask questions.  We did the ultrasound as planned and much to our surprise, the follicle that had shrunk on Saturday was now mature!  So, they gave me the HCG trigger shot and scheduled IUI (insemination) for yesterday. We definitely did not think we were going to even have a chance to get pregnant this month and had pretty much accepted it.  This was totally a God thing!  Maybe surgery is not part of His plan for me. Maybe it is.  We can only hope He will answer our prayers this month and bless us with a healthy pregnancy and baby!  If that does not happen, we are planning to move ahead with the laparoscopy surgery next month.  It will be nice to get it over with. For now, we will just focus on the present and continue to believe in God's perfect will for us, whatever that may be.