SURRENDER

I have a love/hate relationship with that word, that action, that invitation. The mere thought of it causes a storm of mixed emotions to instantly begin building in my soul. This is from past experience. This is because I know it’s effects. It is somehow both the hardest thing in the world for me to do and simultaneously the thing that brings me the greatest peace. Kind of crazy how that works. 

I’m going to be real with you; This past month has been really stinking hard! Deep down, I knew it would be. But I’ve been trying to be as positive as possible about getting back on the “aggressively trying to get pregnant” horse after a 10 month break. Six of those months were a voluntary break that Corey and I both agreed we desperately needed. Then the 4 months following were an involuntary break spent dealing with my cervical issues. But the calendar turned to a new year and it felt like a fresh start and a new chapter. It only made sense to start trying again. We had prayed and we talked and neither of us felt strongly that God was calling us to continue trying, but we also didn't sense Him telling us not to either. So we made the decision to continue going in the direction of our dreams until He closed doors or made it clear that it was not His will. In early January, I began taking the fertility drug clomid again. I took it days 3-7 of my cycle, like usual. Then I had my follicle ultrasound on day 12, which showed 2 mature eggs. It appeared things were shaping up perfect for an IUI. So we scheduled it for 2 days later per the advice of my doctor. Corey gave me my HCG trigger shot in my hip that night of the ultrasound. The next day, I unexpectedly began cramping pretty badly and it seemed that I had ovulated a day early. So we decided to cancel the IUI and just try at home since the timing was now messed up. This is where it all began to go downhill…

One would think my response would be “Oh awesome, trying at home is much more enjoyable than doing an IUI in a sterile doctors office!” But instead, my immediate emotional response was anger and frustration…”Why can’t anything ever just go the way it is planned for us?” This has been one of my biggest pet peeves throughout this infertility journey, that NOTHING EVER GOES LIKE IT SHOULD. But maybe that is the point! Maybe that is what I keep missing. Could that be a closed door? Could the many negative pregnancy tests, the 5 failed IUI’s, the failed IVF, the 2 miscarriages and the now cancelled IUI be the closed doors? 

So we tried at home, (great as my attitude was), and I began doing my standard vaginal progesterone suppositories daily after that. That progesterone stuff is definitely not my friend. It makes me not so fun to be around, and not so fun to be me. Much to my surprise, about a week after I ovulated, I began feeling nauseous at night. Almost every night for about 10 days I got super nauseous….almost to the point of vomiting some nights. This is exactly what had happened with my first pregnancy! My face broke out worse than it has in a long time. I was also extremely emotional/irritable. I truly thought I might be pregnant. I did have 2 mature eggs after all, I had definitely ovulated and we did have intercourse at the perfect time. So maybe God planned the IUI not work out so we could get pregnant at home the natural way!?!?! 

Well, unfortunately, that was not the case. I can tell you with certainty, as of yesterday, that I am not pregnant. In the online infertility realm, they refer to it as a BFN (big fat negative)! I was too busy yesterday to really even process it and I think I was in a bit of shock because I did think I could be pregnant, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks. And there I was, back in that familiar pit of despair. Corey and I spent some time talking this morning and he basically told me he doesn’t know if he wants to go down this road again after having a small taste and remembering once again how bitter it is. I instantly started crying…. partly because I didn’t want to hear it and partly because I actually feel the exact same way. But it is so much easier said than done when my heart wants what my heart wants. I have spent the past month and the majority of the past 5 years wrestling with God, wrestling with my husband and wrestling with myself. I am so weary. Is it time to tap out? Is this really the abundant life God has planned for me? 

SURRENDER. 

The thought makes me shudder. The mixture of anxiety and composure, of freedom and control could almost cause an explosion in my soul. 

I had the opportunity today to listen to a few of the speakers from the "IF: gathering" that took place all over the country this weekend. I know that this time I had today hearing these messages was God-appointed and He certainly spoke to me through them. One of the speakers spoke about testing and she used the example of Abraham. Here is the story straight from the Bible:

"Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham! “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.  On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,  Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?” “Yes, my son?” Abraham replied. “The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together. When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.  But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham! “Here I am,” he replied. “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.” The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son,  I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” Genesis 22:1-18

In my mind, this is one of the greatest examples of surrender there has ever been! Abraham and Sarah waited SO LONG for Isaac. I can totally empathize with them. Then they finally got him and then a few years down the road, God asked Abraham to literally KILL Isaac with his own 2 hands! And He was willing to do so, no questions asked!!! Why? Because He loved God more than He loved His son, and He trusted Him no matter what the cost. Moral of the story: obedience and surrender to God are incredibly hard, but yield great blessing. What did Abraham do? He surrendered, obeyed and trusted. Surrender, obey, trust….surrender, obey, trust ...I repeat it to myself. I close my eyes and suddenly, I am on my own mountain, and an altar is there. I feel God is calling my name and is asking me to lay down this desire to be a mother. This one thing I have waited so long for, this dream, this only hope for descendants....this longing I have clung so tightly to, He is now asking me to lay down as a sacrifice to Him. I know this is a test and it is going to be painful to pass. "Chelsey, do you love me more than you want to be a Mom? Is your faith in Me genuine? Are you willing to let this go, no matter what the cost?” 

Here I am, down on my knees again, desperate for You. I’m desperate for You. Find me here, Lord as you draw me near. Speak to me now. Speak to me now. 

Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have your way, Lord have you way in me. 

I SURRENDER. 

I lay it all down. I unclench my fists. I don’t know yet if my figurative sacrifice will be burnt on the altar or if God will speak and say “Chelsey, Chelsey, stop! Don’t do it. Now I know that you fear God...”  One thing I can know for sure is that “you will be blessed because you have obeyed Me.” So in all reality, it is a win/win situation. Either way, I will be blessed because of my obedience. I’m so tired of asking endless questions and wrestling and struggling. It is time to have faith like Abraham. Time to be silent before The Lord and just do what He asks of me, regardless of the cost. I don't want my life to be characterized by constant wavering. I want to be known as a woman who trusts God and stands firm in His promises! Surrender is NOT the act of giving up hope, it is the act of giving up control. 

That being said, Corey and I have decided that we will be moving forward without any medications or procedures until we feel God clearly telling us otherwise. This is no easy decision at our age and with our desires, but the lack of peace and contentment this month was all the proof we needed that we are not on the right road. We believe in faith that God will let us know His desire for our lives if we are willing to trust Him and seek Him with all of our hearts! We believe He does have great things in store for us and the more we insist on what we think is best, the more we delay His best coming to fruition. The fact of the matter is, the Creator and Giver of life does not need any help in creating and giving life. We know that and are going to try to trust Him more than ever before by laying down our greatest desire at His feet. Our hearts are safe in His hands. But it is going to be so much easier said then done to just stop everything... and I have a feeling we are going to need a whole lot of prayers and encouragement.  

Tears down my face as I write this:

WE SURRENDER. We want to know You more.