I don't know about you, but I am personally ready to close the book on 2015 and start over again in 2016! There is something so refreshing about being able to do that. But before I can move forward, there is something I really need to get off my chest. A lot has taken place over the past few years that I have not yet spoken openly of, and it has really culminated in these past few months. So this post can probably be considered an update/testimony. I have wanted to open up about this area of my life for a while now, but it has been very difficult for me to do so.  But now the time has come. This is the year. And there is nothing like waiting until New Year's Eve to motivate me to finally "let it go!"  

I, for one, love Disney movies! Among my favorites are Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin & The Little Mermaid. And then of course there is Cinderella and The Lion King! They are all just full of life lessons, great music and all kinds of characters. I usually find myself emotionally moved when I watch them. That was definitely the case with the movie "Frozen." Oh how I can relate to Elsa!  She wasted so much time hiding a part of her that she is ashamed and embarassed of. She lived so fearful of the repercussions of her secret being known and opinions of others, rather than just letting it go and getting on with her life.  I can relate.

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,

Not a footprint to be seen.

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I'm the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.

Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in, don't let them see,

Be the good girl you always have to be.

Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know...

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!

Can't hold it back anymore.

Let it go, let it go,

Turn away and slam the door!

About 3 years ago, I went in for my yearly check up with the OB-GYN doctor and my pap smear came back abnormal. They reassured me that this happens frequently and planned to recheck it in 6 months to see if it would resolve on its own, which apparently it often does. Six months later, they swabbed my cervix again, and the results showed that the abnormal cells were still present. This time they did a biopsy to see exactly how abnormal the cells were and it came back as CIN 3 severe dysplasia. There are three categories of abnormal cervical cells: CIN 1 (mild), CIN 2 (moderate) and CIN 3 (severe). It was quite alarming when we realized that what I had was just one step below cancer! At this point, my doctor recommended that I have a procedure done called a LEEP. It is done in the office using a wire loop that has an electrical current to burn off  a small layer of the cervical tissue. The goal is that it will remove the abnormal areas and they hopefully won't return. So I had this done.  Nine months later I had another pap done and once again it was abnormal. So another biopsy was done which once again showed CIN 3 cervical dysplasia and my doctor recommended doing a 2nd LEEP. So, I had the procedure done.  That was last December. 

Then this September, just a few months ago, I had another pap and biopsy done to follow up with this and once again the results came back as CIN 3 severe dysplasia.  At this point, my doctor decided to consult with a GYN Oncologist due to the fact that my dysplasia had now been treated twice, but continued to be severe, with no change. A few days later, his nurse called to let me know that he would like Corey and I to come in to "discuss our options." When we did, he told us that the specialist he consulted with recommended that I have a hysterectomy done. A hysterectomy!!! He also said there was a procedure called a cold knife cone biopsy which could be done, but is not what the specialist recommended at this point. He said we had a month to think about it and make our decision. 

After a few weeks of trying to process through our options and a wide range of emotions, we finally decided that before taking any action, we needed to get a second opinion from another GYN Oncologist. By the grace of God, this doctor said he did NOT feel like the hysterectomy was the correct treatment considering my age and our desire to have children. He did stress that it was serious and needed to be taken care of, but felt that a cold knife cone biopsy could be very effective and also preserve my fertility. Talk about relief! So we scheduled the cone surgery with very thankful hearts that God provided us with another option!

I had the surgery on November 16th. Basically, I was put to sleep under general anesthesia and a cone shaped piece of my cervix (where the abnormal cells were located) was removed with a cold knife/scalpel. It is more aggressive than a LEEP because more tissue is removed, but also more precise. My doctor said it went very well and he sent off the tissue to make sure he got it all. A few days later, we found out that was the case! All the margins were clean and for the first time in a long time, I was free of cervical dysplasia. Praise Jesus!

The recovery was going quite well the first week. I just took it easy and had very little pain. But exactly one week after the surgery, I ended up in the ER with some of the worst abdominal pain of my life. It came on at about 4 p.m. and by 6 p.m. I was barely able to move and was quite hysterical.  Come to find out, I had developed peritonitis (inflammation of the abdominal lining), either from a ruptured ovarian cyst or a post-op infection from the surgery. Either way, fluid got into my abdomen and irritated the lining of my abdominal organs and caused severe pain. I was a pretty sick girl for a week over Thanksgiving. After that week on some strong antibiotics and pain pills, things started to look up again. The surgery and the sickness both happened right in the middle of my busiest time with photography, plus the holidays and my normal responsibilities, so I became really overwhelmed trying to keep up and do everything I needed to do. It was a pretty rough month! 

I am now back to myself again physically, which is such a blessing!  I had my one month check up with the GYN Oncologist who did my surgery and he said I have healed very well and that I have no restrictions at this point. We will do another pap in 4 months. I will continue seeing him for all of my check-ups in this area. We hope that this will be a thing of the past and we will never have to deal with it again! 

The part that is so hard to open up about is the reason why I have this problem the fact that this could have all been prevented. Cervical dysplasia is caused by a virus called HPV (Human Papilloma Virus), which is spread through sexual contact. There are many different strains of HPV, some which cause genital warts and some which cause cervical dysplasia and/or cancer. There are some strains which go undetected forever and some which may show up years later. I made some decisions in the past that I regret. And now I am still paying the consequences of some of those decisions. I did not know when I married Corey that I had this virus or that this was an issue we would face. I thank God that he has been so supportive through it all. I continue to be amazed by how forgiving and nonjudgemental my husband is of me! He has reminded me many times that I am not the same person anymore, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.  I made those mistakes when I was lost and far from Him. Those sins have long been dealt with and His grace and forgiveness covers me. I often forget this reality, but I am so glad it is true! "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

One big reason I feel so strongly that I need to share my experience with this is because I care deeply about the women in my life and want them to be informed about HPV and cervical dysplasia. I hope some of you can learn from my mistakes & my story. Please get a yearly pap smear. Don't let it be something you just forget to do or put off. I know it is not fun, but it is well worth it to detect changes early and get them treated. One thing I never realized, and you may not either, is that most sexually active people will get HPV at some point in their lives... but usually has not signs or symptoms and will often go undetected. It is very common. Like me, you may have no clue you have it until one day you do. So please have regular check ups so if something does change, you and your doctor can be on top of it. And if you are age 9-26 or have a daughter, friend, niece, etc. who is... know that there is a vaccine which prevents 2 high risk strains and 2 strains which cause genital warts. More information on HPV: http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/common-clinicians/insertpos.pdf

Another reason I feel I need to share is because I know that I cannot be the only person who has been carrying a burden like this! Maybe some of the purpose for why I have gone through what I have is so I can share my experiences and help others in some way. I have had a problem in my life with tending to be very judgemental, and can see why God has used some super humbling experiences to show me just how hypocritical I can be.  I used to compare my sins to those of others and usually come to the conclusion that I was doing ok. But over the past 5 years of my relationship with God, I've become quite aware of just how wretched I am. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. (Rom. 3:23) So I hope that if nothing else, me sharing this with you will encourage you in your own walk with Him.  Don't let the devil convince you that you are far worse or far better than anyone else. We are all the same without the blood of Christ covering us.  So as much as I have feared how this information might change some people's opinion of me, it doesn't matter, because when God looks at me He sees Jesus. That is all that matters.  I hope my transparency in this matter can be encouraging to you, just as the Apostle Paul's has been to me again and again... like in the following verse. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Needless to say, this has been a lot to deal with, especially on top of all the infertility stuff we've been facing! Maybe this has been part of our problem with conceiving. Between the scar tissue from the various procedures, to the stress of it all... to God just simply not allowing pregnancy until it was taken care of. We may never know, but I can only hope things will be different moving forward. As I look back, I can see His hands guiding, directing and protecting me. For the last few years, there has been more going on than you even knew, but I'm sure glad you know now.  What a burden lifted! I certainly don't feel like I was obligated open up about this, and for a long time I swore I never would. It is truly no one's business but ours... and it would be completely acceptable and probably easier to keep it that way. But I feel like God has given me such a platform to be real with people through this blog. I don't think He calls everyone to be as open about the ways they struggle or what mistakes they've made. But I feel like He continues to push me to be more and more transparent about every area of my life, not just areas I pick and choose that are easier for me to open up about. I am trying to be obedient to Him. I know He doesn't want me living in bondage to this another day. I know He can use it for good, and it is past time to let it go! 

My power flurries through the air into the ground.

My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around,

And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast.

I'm never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand,

In the light of day.

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway!

If there is something in your own life burdening you, weighing you down or holding you back from living free, I pray you can let it go and leave it in 2015 as well! Close that book. I hope together we can walk into 2016 with lighter hearts and minds. Let's harbor more gratitude and less guilt.  Let's focus on what He's done and is going to do and not on what we've failed to do. As my wise Mom told me recently, "there is a reason the rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield!" May God bless you all. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading my blog this year, regardless of my inconsistency. Your kind words, prayers and love for us continue to be such gifts to me! I'm looking forward to navigating through 2016 together. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I was not planning to blog in the middle of the night tonight. But I couldn't sleep and I decided to get up and come out in the living room.  I remembered this video my friend texted me a few days ago and decided to finally sit down and watch it. She said it made her think of me. Well, I can see why! This is heartbreak & sheer joy rolled into one beautiful story that begins and ends with God. It touched me so deeply.  I am still wiping tears. And we aren't talking cute little tears... but big, fat alligator tears accompanied by some major sobbing. So many emotions as I watched it. Please take the time to watch it yourself!  It will be so worth 14 minutes of your life.


http://www.movingworks.org/project/chloe/


I have said, felt, or lived  many of the things which they said in the video, such as:

"I struggled with trusting God's goodness at times because I felt like it was just so mean. Such a mean thing to do." <---yep

"There was like a 4 1/2 year period that I would say was really really hard on us individually, on us in our marriage and also in the way we were relating with God...especially for me." <---we are right at 4 1/2 really hard years

"Every time we would hear about someone getting pregnant we would just be devastated because we were thinking this isn't gonna happen for us. We're fools, fools who want kids and its never gonna happen." <---constant struggle

"And then I would say somewhere I feel like God shifted something in me so significant. There was a point where I started to realize, actually no, I can live like a really full and really happy life and experience so much with God and know Him so deeply and be satisfied in the deepest way a human can be satisfied, even without having a child. Sounds like a simple concept, but for me that was a big change and a big shift in my perspective." <---much to my surprise, this same major shift happened to me this summer during our first real, extended break from "trying." 

"We kept praying, God if you're saying you don't want us to be parents, take this desire from us." <--- can't count how many times I've said and prayed this

"There were tons of people praying for us and with us...it was a special thing to get to feel the body of Christ standing with you through something." <---so incredibly special

In my last post I mentioned some song lyrics. The last line was, "why can't He make me an unbreakable heart?" Oh how I've craved that through these years of heartbreak and waiting. If only I had an unbreakable heart! But you know what one of the fresher lessons I have learned is?  That God intentionally breaks our half hearted hearts so He can put them back together whole. But He never does this or anything else for the purpose of hurting us.  His ways may often seem harsh, but only because we perceive them as harsh, not because that is how they really are. I have a tendency to live by what I feel and not by what is real. I am continuing to see how unreliable and ever changing my feelings are. But God is unchangeable. He is and was and will always be perfectly loving, perfectly faithful and perfectly just.  For so many years I lived under the notion that God never actually caused my pain, but He rarely stopped or prevented it either...He just allowed it to happen. But now my perspective has changed and I feel like He has shown me that He Himself is often the One bringing the trials into my life. And somehow that is a relief, because I know that Someone who I can trust is in control of what is happening to me.  He is using them to chip away the stone around my heart to reveal the gold underneath. He is sanctifying me.  Having an unbreakable heart would be like having a perfect life. There would be no need for God or faith.  If we were never broken, we would never need Someone to put us back together. So often we think we have our own glue and we can piece it together ourselves, the way we want our hearts & lives to look. But our glue is cheap and it just doesn't hold up under heat or pressure. The more we resist His breaking and remaking, the more we add to our suffering. I once was lost, but now I'm found...and I can acknowledge that there is beauty in the broken. I can even go as far as to rejoice in it.  Was blind, but now I see. 

"See how much I love you? Do you see what I've done? I've been writing this story, you had no idea, for years I've been writing this story" ...and I realized how foolish I was. How my perspective was so skewed in my own pain that what I saw as Him not loving me was Him being the most loving He could have been."  <--- One day, like Annie,  I will be able to look back and see how foolish I was and actually thank Him for taking me down this road. I look forward to that day!

"From start to finish, this movie [if life were a movie] is obviously about God. He is the main character. How is it possible that we live as though it is about us? Our scenes in the movie, our brief lives, fall somewhere between the time Jesus ascends into heaven and when we will worship God on His throne."  Francis Chan 

Do you need a little comfort today?  How comforting that the author, producer and star of the show cares immensely about our tiny little supporting roles!  When I see Walt and Annie's story, I see Jesus. I hope He is what people will see when they look at my life, and yours... heartbreak & sheer joy rolled into one beautiful story that begins and ends with God.

Today is "National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day." It is a day that is near and dear to my heart. I want everyone to know about it so you can support and pray for the couples in your life who have lost precious babies.  Not that you shouldn't or couldn't do that any random day, but today is a special day set apart to acknowledge them and their loss. I encourage you to please do so. I can promise you that the words "I have not forgotten" are very powerful and meaningful when said to someone who has lost a child.  I have not forgotten about your baby or babies. I have not forgotten that you are a Mommy, too.  I have not forgotten about your pain. 

Grieving the loss of a baby before he or she is born is a unique experience.  There are no photos to show or memories to cling to. In my case, I don't even know whether my 2 children are male or female.  I cannot picture them in my mind because I have no idea what they would have looked like. I just know they would have been beautiful and that I was deeply in love with them for the short time I had them in my womb.  They would be 1 and 3 years old now. I think of how different my life would look if they were here.  The "baby room" in our house would not be so empty and cold.  I went in there earlier today and sat on the floor, just thinking about how ironic life is. We moved in 3 1/2 years ago thinking that soon our house would be full of baby giggles and toys and fingerprints all over. But much to my dismay, the "baby room" is nothing more than a catch-all for photography props, luggage and exercise equipment...and there are no sticky finger marks anywhere to be found. Just a silence that is deafening. 

I heard a song the other day on an old country mix cd I had made like 10 years ago. It is called "unbreakable heart" by Jessica Andrews. It took me by surprise how emotional I got when I heard it again, because the words meant something totally different to me now than they ever did before.  The first verse goes like this:

"An empty room, a broken fairytale. 

A hollow girl, with empty arms. 

From an angel's tears, God made the stars. 

Why can't He make me an unbreakable heart?" 

That is me to a tee. My pages of my fairytale have been ripped up by infertility and miscarriages.  My arms and my nursery are empty. And my heart has been broken for a long time.  I keep waiting for God to make it all right.  I keep waiting for Him to turn this ship around.  

I had a major revelation sitting on the "baby room" floor today.  I was thinking about how I spend so much time wishing my babies were here so I could hold them, know them, love them, protect them, make memories with them, show them off and teach them all kind of things. But then it hit me. Why would I wish for them to be here when they are there?  Why would I desire for them to grow up in this world so full of sin and death and evil when they are in a place where they know only true peace and everlasting joy without an ounce of suffering or sin?  It is so normal for me to desire an earthly relationship with my babies.  But the alternative that they've been given is much better. The reality is that as much as I wish I could look into their little faces, they are face to face with JESUS.  As much as Corey and I desired to raise kids to know and love the Lord, they are learning from the perfect Teacher Himself.  What more could I want for my babies? Isn't that the desire of every parent...for their kids to be happy, healthy, fulfilled and unconditionally loved? Maybe God didn't take away my babies, but instead He rescued them. Maybe the Knight in shining armor wants me to remember that this story is not over.  And that one day we will all live happily ever after in His eternal kingdom.  Streets of gold and all. He doesn't want to destroy my fairytale, He wants to exceed it!  

What has always been more bitter than sweet has suddenly become more sweet than bitter.  

God is faithful to meet us where we are and give us His perspective if we come to Him seeking to understand beyond our understanding.  He wants us to see things like He sees them.  And I can tell you from personal experience that it is just so much better that way.  I keep forgetting and He keeps gently reminding me. 

I hope that anyone reading this that has experienced the loss of a baby will be comforted by what The Lord showed me today as well.  Your baby/babies were created by God just like any other human life and they are just as real and just as loved by their Creator.  And they will never be forgotten.

Oh my, what a summer it has been!  Corey and I have certainly had some fun in the sun these past few months!   I've been thinking back on what all we've done, and some of the highlights for me have been: family and friends coming to visit us, vacationing in Colorado, spending time at the pool, celebrating both of our birthdays and our 5th anniversary, taking golf and swimming lessons, girls nights, date nights, gardening, hiking, trying out new restaurants, kayaking and taking a weekend getaway to Branson. We certainly made some great memories! But now the season is winding down and the kids and teachers are going back to school and I feel like it is also time for me to get back to blogging!  As easy-going and fun as summer time is, I am kind of looking forward to the structure that tends to come with fall. Not to mention the fabulous fall food, football, cute clothes, great weather, etc. :) 

I'm pretty sure the main reason Corey and I were able to enjoy this summer so much is because for the first time in over 4 years, our lives have not completely revolved around getting and staying pregnant.  I am so glad that we agreed to take a break this summer; WE NEEDED IT. I can tell you that for sure now, looking back.  Not only were we heartbroken after our unsuccessful attempt at IVF, but also physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from months and years consumed by a vicious cycle of meds, doctors appointments, surgeries, procedures, stress, blood draws, ultrasounds,  hope, excitement, negative pregnancy tests, disappointment and loss. Although it was not easy to just shut it all off, we did.  I haven't stepped foot in my OB doctor's office in almost 5 months.  The day we found out we weren't pregnant after IVF,  I stopped all medications and I have not had a single blood draw or ultrasound since.  We've continued praying for God to lead and guide us, but for the most part have not been obsessing over what's next. It is amazing the relief we have felt in this season.  It has been like a stream of water running through our dry and weary souls. 

As much as I have tried through this blog,  it is very difficult to describe what a burden infertility is.  Even I can't wrap my mind around it sometimes. And as heavy & hurtful as it is, I've still found it very difficult to surrender it to The Lord.  I've laid it down before, but the problem is that before long ...I decide that His way isn't working for me, so I pick it back up and charge ahead like I'm God.  I have realized lately that surrender is not a one time thing, but has to be a daily decision. I have to ask myself, "Am I going to carry this today or am I going to give it to The Lord?"  After years of refusing to let Him have His way and subconsciously demanding that my way is best, I have finally learned that laying it at His feet truly is better. This summer is living proof of that. For the most part, I have been in a state of surrender. Apart from the vicious cycle we had been accustomed to, Corey and I have both been happier, more relaxed and able to simply enjoy life again.  Our marriage has prospered.  I have also been pouring more energy into taking care of myself, rather than just feel like I am emptying myself all the time.  I joined a gym and have been working out, I took golf and swimming lessons and I started going to counseling again.  I feel healthier than I have in a long time and that is a good feeling.  But none of it means that desiring to be a Mom but still being childless is suddenly easy.  I am not immune to the pain. I have multiple close friends who are pregnant right now and all due to have their babies right around the time when I would have been due had IVF been successful.  God's timing in that has been so hard to understand.  He not only said no to us, but said yes to all of them at the same time. And we have so many other friends and family members who already have kids and we get to watch them all being parents and we continue to wonder... why not us?  It often feels like we are stuck here watching everyone else's lives move on around us.  It is easy to feel like I don't belong, I can't relate & I am the elephant in the room. I never thought this would be our story. 

But during this break, as I have taken a step back and removed myself from the midst of the craziness, God has once again given me a fresh perspective. He has shown me that there truly is more to life that being a Mom, and that it is NOT my main purpose. It is not anyone's main purpose, really. We were created by God for relationship with Him.  I used to always say, "I was made to be a Mom."  That is actually false. It was for His pleasure that I was created. Marriage is an added bonus, parenthood is an added bonus, friendship is an added bonus... but none of those things are anyone's main purpose.  Our purpose in this life is to know & glorify God, to be His light in this world, to make disciples and attempt to love others like He has loved us. I can promise you that I don't do a very good job of that when my whole life is consumed by infertility treatments and tears; when I care more about having a baby of my own than I do about the lost going to heaven. The truth is, I easily become super self-absorbed. By pouring everything I have into trying to have a child, I miss out on so many other opportunities and blessings in my life.  Not only that, but my relationships with God, my husband and others begin to suffer.  I am thankful God continues to bring me back to this place. When He opens my eyes again to His truth, it always makes so much sense. But the problem is that I go back out into a fallen world that tells me a completely different story, along with an enemy who preys on my every weakness and is always ready and willing to beat me down and cloud my vision. And then I take the long, hard, rocky road back to the feet of Jesus, where it all makes sense again and there is peace.  But I'm learning that it doesn't have to be like that. I don't have to scale mountains or swim through raging waters or take the long, scenic route to Him. Because of the cross, the gap has been bridged and I am always in His presence. I pray that reality continues to sink deep into my heart.  

So where do we go from here?  Truthfully, I don't know. I was hoping this break would also come with some big revelation about what our next steps should be,  but neither Corey or I are feeling like God is clearly pointing us in a certain direction at this time.  As hard as I still find it to wait for The Lord and be still, that is what I will continue to do, because I believe He has a plan and that it is good. So for now we will keep praying for clarity, trying to maintain an eternal perspective and purpose and keep enjoying life as much as we can, knowing He has not forgotten or forsaken us.  He is a man of His word, and I will rest in His promises and in His presence today! I will certainly keep you updated if there are any new developments. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14

Good morning!  I wonder if anyone reading this post shares my love of all things coffee? I have a feeling many of you probably do.  Well, today I decided that I am going to tell you all about one of my new favorite summertime things!  My friend, Kristin, introduced me to the concept of a "toddy" a few summers ago.  I was staying at her house in Nebraska on one of my trips home to visit my people and she made me a delicious, creamy, scrumptious toddy every morning I was there.  Talk about spoiling me rotten!  After the first one, I was hooked. Somehow I waited until this summer to finally start making them at home myself. Let's just say the $40 investment of the toddy brew system has been well worth it!  Kristin actually just used a plastic container and some coffee filters, and I'm not even exactly sure how she did it....but I decided to go the easier route because, well... I'm just lazier than she is.  LoL!  But seriously.   For her method, please go look on Pinterest because I'm certain there will be directions on how to do it will be there.  But for the easy way out, please continue reading :) 

First, you'll need a full 12 oz. bag of coffee beans.  Place some of the beans in a grinder and grind them up coarsely. They should look more chunky than the usual finely ground coffee beans you wold buy. The reason for this is to help keep the filter from clogging. I had to grind and them dump the grounds in a big bowl 3-4 times to get all of the beans in the bag ground up because my grinder is not very big. 

The next step is to add water and coffee grounds to the brewing container as explained above.  The process is water, coffee, water, coffee, water.  Once it is all in there and all the grounds are wet, you literally let it sit on your counter for up to 24 hours.  

   

Here it is, just chillin' and brewin'

After 12-24 hours you get out the handy dandy glass decanter that comes as part of the system and you set the brewing container on top of it.  Then you just  pull out the stopper in the bottom of the container and let the coffee concentrate completely drain into the decanter.  This only takes a few minutes. 

Lastly, place the lid on the decanter and put it in the fridge where it will stay fresh for up to 2 weeks.! Whenever you are wanting to make yourself a toddy, just pull it out and use it. Now that's convenient!  There are so many things you can do with the finished coffee concentrate! You can make cappuccinos, lattes, mochas and even just regular black coffee.  The difference in cold brewed coffee as opposed to hot brewed coffee is that is lessens the acidity and bitterness of the coffee which makes for a smoother & bolder tasting finished product.... and I love it!  The coffee concentrate is very strong, so you'll want to dilute it with water, milk, cream, etc.  You can totally try different things and make it your own. My favorite concoction so far is vanilla iced coffee.  I take a mason jar and start by filling it with ice.  I then fill it half way with coffee concentrate and then 3/4 of the way with water.  I leave some room at the top to add half and half and a splash of vanilla coffee syrup.  I pop in a straw and stir it up and I have a delightfully cool drink to sip on. One thing I really like is because the coffee is already cold when you add it to the cup, the ice does not melt quickly.  It stays icy and creamy the whole time....not watered down. When Kristin made them for me, she just did coffee concentrate and the international delight coldstone sweet cream creamer over ice. No water or anything. It was SO good!  Corey enjoys black coffee using the concentrate. For that, we fill a mug half way up with concentrate and half way with water and then microwave it for a minute or two until it reaches a desired temperature. You can then add cream if you wish or just drink it black. Either way, you have a nice, smooth cup of joe!  

Mmmm... doesn't that look good?! I have found that iced toddys are such a refreshing way to drink coffee during the hot and muggy summer months! These have been a real treat for me and I've also enjoyed making them for other people just like Kristin made them for me.  If you decide to give cold brew coffee a try for yourselves, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!  

Hey my sweet blog readers!  I bet some of you have been wondering if you are ever going to hear from me again, being that it has now been over 2 months since I have even signed into this thing.  I myself was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to blog again!  To be quite honest... until very recently, I just have not felt like it.  Not only that, but it can be time consuming and heart wrenching and I just didn't have anything to say that I haven't already said a hundred times before.  I feel like in so many areas of my life (blogging included) over the past few months, God has been urging me to do 2 main things: 

Be STILL
Be SILENT

If you know me at all, you probably know that neither of these things come naturally for me. I am constantly on the go, my mind is always in overdrive and I like to talk... A LOT.  But for at least a good week after the bad news came, I literally did not talk to anyone but Corey. Not friends, not my Mom... no one.   I was not really in the mood to talk, but I also felt like God was calling me to have a period of silence. My heart was broken and nothing anyone said was going to change that.  I just needed to rest in Him.  Besides that, I literally could not form thoughts. It was like my brain had been completely fried from the past 4 years, and especially the past month.  As it turned out, I barely had any photo shoots during the month of April and I hardly worked at the pediatric clinic.  It was seriously like God just cleared my schedule so that I could be still. My usual coping mechanism is to stay super busy and fill up my schedule to where I am so distracted that I don't have to fully face the pain and it keeps slowly building until I have a meltdown.  But that doesn't really work when you are being still and silent. You have no choice but to confront all of it head on.  So that's what I have been doing over the past few months I've been 'away.'  I've been reflecting on all that has gone on the past 4+ years.  I've been grieving.  I've been having some knock-down-drag outs with The Lord.  I've been spending some (not enough) time in the Word. I've been forcing myself to rest and relax more.  I've been processing.  I've been reading. I've been crying.  I've been praying.  

And I've realized something big.  Something life changing.  Since the moment I became a Christian, my life has been almost a constant whirlwind.  First, I got saved and got married...which are two major life changes. Corey was in dental school and I was working full time night shift as a nurse, so we basically never saw each other for the first 2 years of our marriage.  Soon after getting married, I officially left the religion I had been a part of all my  25 years of life, and as a result, almost lost some very close family members and friends.  Relationships were certainly strained and tensions were at an all time high for a long time. Then we had our first miscarriage.  6 months later we moved to Arkansas and had to start completely over....new jobs, new friends, new house, new church, new doctors, new life.  We had our second miscarriage. Soon after, death took 2 of my beloved grandparents within 9 months of each other.  My Mom was diagnosed with leukemia.  And all the while we've been fighting this battle called infertility, full of its own strains on our marriage, emotions, finances, spiritual lives & physical bodies... with the most recent hurdle being the failed IVF.  

I know there are people who have had it much worse than I have and there always will be. But for me, these things have been a lot to carry.  And I needed to tell you all that to get to the point I'm getting at.  I am fully convinced because of all the stuff that has consumed the last 5 years of my life that there is only one way to get through the trials of this life with any sort of joy or contentment ... & that is to view absolutely everything in the light of eternity and in the light of God's glory. Nothing else works, at least not for me.  I have tried coping with these struggles in every way imaginable.  But over the past 2 weeks, as I have been focusing on Almighty God on His throne with all the angels and saints worshipping Him day and night,  I have felt a huge burden lifted.  My perspective has changed drastically. I know some time has passed and I am beginning to heal thanks in part to prayer and the Word and the encouragement and love of people in my life, but I think the biggest change lately has come through my shift in thinking.  2 timely things are happening by God's design that I feel have led me to this place.  Our church is studying The Book of Revelation, which is basically a book about God's glory and God's ultimate victory over sin and Satan.  It is a book of hope for those who are in Christ and a book of terror for those who aren't, rightfully so.  But the timing of us going through this book has been so good for me, to help me focus on the big picture and not just on my little mist of a life.  This life is so short.  The end is near.  Big things will happen and eternity will be ushered in... an eternity that I get to experience because of the redemptive work of Christ!  It is mind blowing if you really stop and think about it.  Also, a few weeks ago, Corey and I began reading a marriage book by Francis and Lisa Chan and the first chapter is basically all about viewing your marriage in the light of eternity.  Francis urges you to take some time to just close your eyes and picture God in all His glory.  He also talks about the reaction of people in the Bible who have seen God.  This really intrigued me, so I did a little research...

Abraham - fell on his face (Genesis 17:1)
Moses - hid his face and was afraid (Exodus 3:6)
Joshua - fell on his face and worshipped God (Joshua 5:14)
Isaiah- was instantly confronted with his sinfulness and unworthiness (Isaiah 6:5)
Job- despises himself and repents with dust and ashes (Job 42:6)
Paul- Fell to the ground and was blinded (Acts 9:3-9)
John-  Fell at His feet as though dead (Revelation 1:17)

This is my God!  This is the God who hears me, heals me, loves me and knows me. And this is the effect He has on people who have caught a glimpse of Him. If there is one thing I've realized lately, it is that I certainly have not been holding Him in proper esteem!  What a slap in the face to The Alpha and The Omega that I yearn for a child of my own more than I yearn to be in His presence. There is no excuse for my behavior.  I have been so foolish.  I feel like Isaiah..."woe is me, for I am undone."  I do not know why he puts up with my crap, but I am so glad He does.  After all of the spiritual wrestling I have done with God over the past several years, I feel I have finally learned the most important lesson yet: Nothing compares to Him.  All this time I have foolishly been believing that a baby would bring me true joy.  But NO human is capable of that.  And if I never get to be a Mom, I'm going to be ok.  Because the fact of the matter is that when I am in heaven, it won't matter.  Nothing will matter except that Jesus is Lord. I've been begging him for answers and I finally got mine.  He is the answer.  

I know myself and how lazy, worldly, hypocritical and emotional I can be.  I pray that this will be the time I finally cling to this truth more than I cling to the devil's lies.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  "Life's a fight of wrong and right that's tearing me apart, oh but what the cross has done.  Yeah the world will try to battle for my heart, but the war is already won."  The war is won, the King is on the throne, but the world continues to battle for my heart.  I know as long as I am in this world, it is not going to be easy or come naturally to have this perspective.  But you better believe that by the grace of God, I am going to try.  And when I fail, I know He'll be faithful to bring me back to this place one way or another.  

It relieves me to  feel like He is beginning to calm the whirlwind that has been my life.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again.  My husband and I both have more normal and far less stressful schedules.  I am continuing to grow in my relationship with God.  Things have gotten considerably better with my family. We are feeling very at home in Arkansas and have been so blessed with amazing friends, a great church home and wonderful jobs here. We have been settled in the same home for 3 years.  My Mom's leukemia has stayed under control. I have not been in a doctor's office in 2 months and have not taken a single hormone or fertility drug.  There is a sense of normalcy back in my life.  This infertility struggle is losing it's grip on my heart. My God is a God who provides!  

It's time to get back up.  No more living defeated... not today.  

"Be still and know that I am God.  
I will be exalted among the nations, 
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

I cannot tell you how heavy my heart is as I write today to tell you the bad news that I am not pregnant. We got the call on Tuesday night and I have been in a cloud of despair ever since.  It still feels like a really bad dream, but it is becoming more and more real with each passing hour.  I'm realizing that I'm not going to wake up and be pregnant and celebrating with my husband the fact that this long and painful trial of infertility is finally over for us. That's just not my reality.  My reality is that our prayers for a baby have once again gone unanswered.  I am heartbroken.  I am angry.  I am confused.  I am literally sick. It's not like we didn't know this was a possibility, but we just had so much hope! We felt like God led us down the IVF path at this time and opened doors and kept showing us Himself throughout the process.  There were so many signs and so much peace that seemed to be Him reassuring us that our dreams were finally about to come true.  But then they didn't.  And here we are back in this all too familiar place, trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all.  

We decided before starting IVF that this was going to be the end of the "trying to have a baby" road for us right now, no matter what the outcome.  We will not be doing anything to prevent us from getting pregnant, but we also will not be doing all we possibly can to try and achieve pregnancy.  We both feel like we have been prayerful and patient and have also done everything medically possible at this point.  We are so tired of our lives being consumed with appointments, medications, doctor's bills, side effects, etc. etc. etc.  What we can and cannot do is often determined by where I am at in my cycle.  For the past 48 months, there were at least 2 weeks out of each one that I either might be pregnant or I was pregnant.  It was hard to ever plan anything because I had to be at the doctor so often for ultrasounds and procedures.  And I can't tell you how many conversations between Corey and I start like this..."If we get pregnant this month..." It was always on our minds and we were also wondering each month if it would be the turning point from infertility to parenthood. We keep anxiously waiting for this major life change that never comes. So basically, we decided it was time to stop the craziness and at least give ourselves a break from it all if IVF was unsuccessful. We both felt strongly that God had opened the doors to IVF and we knew if He wanted to give us a baby through it, He would.  And if not, we needed to try to move on. 

So now here I am, wondering how in the world I am going to do this and realizing what a hard transition it will be. Trying to become a mother has been my passion and purpose the past 4 years, to a fault.  I'm so ready to be out from under the weight infertility, but so afraid the pain will never go away. I know there is still a possibility I could get pregnant.  But after so many failed attempts, unanswered prayers, disappointments and heartbreak, I cant help but think maybe this is just not what God has for me.  And that is a very hard pill to swallow, because for as long as I can remember, my life's dream has been to be a Mommy.  I mothered my dolls, I mothered my baby brother, I have been fascinated with pregnancy since I was a child. I grew up babysitting as much as I possibly could and my passion has always been to care for people.  My favorite areas of nursing are labor and delivery and pediatrics.  My favorite photo shoots to do are newborn and maternity pictures.  Even with how bad it hurts sometimes to be surrounded by pregnant women and families with children while longing to be in their shoes, that is still what I am drawn to because that is who God made me.  He gave me this intense desire to be a Mom. He gave me an appreciation for the gift of life. He gave me a love for babies.  The question, "why?" is what I continue to ask over and over again.

I have been avoiding God the past few days.  I have refused to pray or listen to christian radio or pick up my Bible. Not only have I been angry at God, but I knew that coming to Him would mean conviction and correction and ultimately a softened heart, and that was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to be mad.  I wanted to be alone.  I didn't want anyone, not even Him to try and comfort me, because I was certain I could not be comforted. Surprisingly, I still decided to open up the Bible app on my phone last evening and that is when I realized that I have been completely oblivious to the fact that it is "holy week."  So I made up my mind to go ahead and read yesterdays devotion about Maundy Thursday.  As I read, I could feel the stone wall around my heart begin to break down.  Matthew 26:37 says, "He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed." In the next verse, He goes on to say "My soul is sorrowful, even to death."  This is not the calm, powerful, brave and serene Jesus I am so used to seeing throughout the Gospels. This is deeply distressed Jesus. I am reminded that I have a Savior who has felt everything I could ever feel, and then some. And then a whole lot more actually.  I may feel like I am going to die of this heartache sometimes, but I do not know what it is like to literally have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And yet He empathizes with me, no matter how small my sorrow may be in the light of what He's endured.  As I was thinking about all of this, I remembered there was a chapter about Jesus' agony in Gethsemane in one of my favorite books, called "Living the Cross Centered Life."  So I went and found the book and the chapter and sat down to read it.  Although I thought I was all cried out, tears began to overflow my eyes.  

"In this garden, our Savior is beginning to confront as never before the ultimate and deepest agony of Calvary---an agony that will go infinitely beyond any physical aspects of His suffering.  For Jesus, the cross will bring incomparable and unprecedented suffering or wrath and abandonment.  His downward path into those unspeakable depths begins to plunge steeply in this garden called Gethsemane."  

With his face to the ground and His soul full of sorrow, He pleads with His Heavenly Father to remove this cup from Him.  The cup is a reference to the wrath of God for our sins. 

"That's why there is shuddering and terror and deep distress for Him at this moment. In the crucible of human weakness He's brought face to face with the abhorrent reality of bearing our iniquity and becoming the object of God's full and furious wrath. What Jesus recoils from here is not an anticipation of the physical pain associated with crucifixion.  Rather it's a pain infinitely greater--the agony of being abandoned by His Father."  

Jesus entered the garden to be with His Father before His betrayal, needing His comfort and strength more than ever.  He cried out, pleading for an alternative, but was met with silence.  Again He cried out, but there was no answer.  He was so distressed that drops of blood drip from His body. "Listen to this verse again for the very first time: For God so loved the world...that He is silent to His Son's agonizing appeal."  

And yet somehow Jesus' response is still, "yet not what I will, but what You will."  He is completely innocent, completely abandoned and yet He remains faithful.  

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gethsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes towards you and me and shout, "This is your cup.  You're responsible for this.  It's your sin!  You drink it." This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours.  Instead, Jesus freely takes it Himself...so that from the cross He can look down at you and me, whisper our names and say, "I drain this cup for you---for you who have lived in defiance of Me, who have hated Me, who have opposed Me.  I drink it all...for you."

I picture Him, hanging on the cross with His head down, looking into my eyes and saying:

For you, Chelsey... the one who continues to fall into the trap of believing what you feel and not what is real.  The one who proclaims how much you love Me and how much I've changed your life and then, like the disciples, when things get hard... you turn on Me.  Time and time again My truth is drown out by the storm you're in. How quickly and easily you forget what I have done for you, precious child.  I took your sin upon My shoulders because I wanted you to have life and have it to the fullest.  I have gone to infinitely greater lengths to make you my child than you will ever go in pursuit of a child. It breaks my heart that You continue to insist that your will would be best.  Don't you know that I have something so much better for you?   I don't want to just give you the desires of your heart, I want to exceed them. Your feelings are unreliable and your heart will fail you, but I never will. I am faithful. I know you you are hurting and that this pain is very real. I want to comfort you. I wish that in your weakest moments you would fall into My arms instead of cross your arms and look away, refusing to let Me in.  When you separate yourself from Me, you only cause yourself more pain.  I did not create you to be a mother, I created you to have a relationship with me, which may or may not ever include you being a mother on this earth.  You're going to have to accept that.  You have to remember that I can see the whole picture and you can only see just little bits and pieces.  Your life, your heart and your desires are precious to Me.  When I say I work all things out for your good, I mean it.  Cling to Me.  

"When He had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that He bowed His head and gave up His Spirit."  John 19:30  

In one of my darkest times, You bring me to remembrance of your darkest time. How easily I default into seeing my pain through worldly eyes.  But oh how my perspective changes when I view my circumstance kneeling before the cross, looking up.   My hope is renewed, because thanks to You, Sunday morning is coming both literally and figuratively.  I have spent the past few days blaming you and angry and you, but I repent of my foolishness.  Now I just want to say with all my heart... thank you Lord, for everything!  

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.


What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear Him." Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Today has got to be one of the strangest days of my life, knowing that later on I will receive news that will cause this to be one of the happiest or one of the hardest days I have known on this earth! It will be one extreme or the other. I have had days before where I've had a very sick loved one and I knew that each day could be their last and I was anticipating heartbreak. I have also had days where I knew the man I loved might pop the question and for a while I woke up each day with anticipation of the excitement & celebration that was just around the corner. But I've never had both to this extent before. I feel like I'm about to burst, but will it be with tears of joy or tears of sorrow?

This morning as I was praying, the words of this verse came into my mind. Soon we will know whether this is a time to weep or a time to laugh, a time to mourn or a time to dance. But what stood out to me most in this verse as I read it was the sentence "He has made everything beautiful in its time." No matter what today brings, He has the ability to not only make the laughing and the dancing beautiful, but the weeping and mourning, too. This could very well be the last day of our infertility trial and I cannot tell you the burden that would be lifted if that is the case. I can hardly remember what it is like to be out from under it. But this trial may go on and if so, I can say boldly that He will somehow make it beautiful, because that is what He promises in His Word. What do we gain from our toil? He makes everything beautiful in His time. When you are a child of God, nothing you endure will ever be in vain. That truth brings comfort to my restless heart.

I am ready to know what my reality is because I cannot keep on in limbo much longer.  At this point, I am either with child or I am not and no amount of waiting and wondering is going to change that.  If I'm not pregnant, I would rather know than continue to have false hope that I am. And if I am pregnant, I would rather know than continue to fear that I'm not.  There will be closure one way or the other.  There will also be extreme amounts of emotion, but still closure.  

I wasn't planning to blog today, but I had these things on my heart and needed to say them because I know I could very well be too ecstatic or too weak over the next few weeks to even think straight.  I know so many people are praying for us, I can feel it.  And I know it won't stop no matter what news today brings.  What a blessing!  I bet there are people reading this who may also need the encouragement of this verse today. If you find yourself  in a time of mourning or weeping, know that that it is not permanent and that He will make it beautiful. You will laugh and dance again.  You and I both will!

Since you are so used to hearing from me every few days lately, I thought I should write a little something to let you all know how the dreaded "2 week wait" is going.  That and it is just downright good for me to blog/journal! Plus, I know someday I will look back and read these blog posts and I want to make sure I have every part of the process documented.  A friend recommended that I print all of them off and make a book so that I will always have it, even if the blog itself gets taken down.  I think that is a great idea!

I must say, my days went from craziness to nothingness in the blink of an eye!  Prior to the embryo transfer, it was appointments and ultrasounds and blood draws and various shots and pills and phone calls and updates and trips back and forth to Little Rock and decisions nearly every single day for 3 weeks.  But since the transfer on Sunday, its a few meds and a whole lot of waiting.  At first I was very thankful for the change, as it gave me a chance to rest and relax and decompress.  But now I am realizing that the business kept me from thinking too much.  If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I usually get myself into trouble when I think too much.  

One thing that has really struck me over these past few days while I've had way too much time to ponder things is how significant of a month March has been in our journey to try and become parents. It was March 2011 when Corey and I began actively trying to have a baby. We were an excited newly married couple, ready to start our family!  It was such a joyful time in our marriage.  I felt that after many years of strongly desiring to be a mother,  I would finally be pursuing the role that I was certain God created me for.  It was March 16th, 2013 when we found out we were pregnant for the second time.  I remember that day so clearly.  When the test showed up positive, I was almost in disbelief after so many negative tests before.  I recently found a journal entry that I wrote that day, praising God and exclaiming my excitement and gratefulness!  It was a feeling I had only known once before. Less then 2 weeks later, on March 25th... I miscarried.  Just thinking about it brings waves of grief over my soul.  Now here I am in March 2015 and I am in the midst of in-vitro fertilization.  I can't help but ask the Lord, why March?  Why not May or September or some other month that doesn't have as much significance in our infertility journey?  When I think about March, I think of the excitement of soon becoming a mother I felt in 2011 that is still unmet to this day 4 years later.  I think about the utter joy of being pregnant in 2013 that was very short lived before it got taken away. How can I not be a little worried that the excitement and anticipation I feel this March is also going to result in a painful outcome?  

Until yesterday I can honestly say I was doing really well.  I was cool, calm and collected.  I was just so at peace knowing God is in control and I was feeling very hopeful and positive.  I'm not sure what happened yesterday, but I fell apart. Maybe part of the reason was that I had an episode Thursday night that scared me.  I was going out to dinner with my friend Page and I had been having some mild stomach pains for about an hour that were noticeable but didn't really bother me. Right before we got our food at the restaurant, the pains became very severe.  It was like shooting pains all over my abdomen, from really low up into my ribs. I thought maybe I was having a gallbladder attack or something.  I could barely talk or even breathe and she said I turned very pale.  After about 10 minutes, the pains lessened and within 30 minutes they were completely gone.  I have had no pain since. I called the doctor's office yesterday morning and they said it was likely from the progesterone I am on or from my ovaries being so swollen and irritated.  I am supposed to let them know if it happens again. Regardless of what they said, I think subconsciously I began to blame myself.  Did I cause this?  Maybe if I had been eating healthier this wouldn't have happened.  Did I overdue it physically?  I've been trying to rest and take it easy, but maybe I have still done too much.  Then fear started to creep in.  Does this mean something is wrong in there?  Is this normal? Then doubt... everyone keeps asking if I feel any different and I don't.  Should I?  Does this mean the embryos didn't take?  Is my body rejecting them? So as I'm beating myself up about all these things I'm trying to turn to prayer but just can't focus. My day included a lot of tears.  I did finally get myself to watch a sermon by Matt Chandler on the sanctity of life, which was definitely the highlight of my day.  I had been reading psalm 139 a lot lately, and guess what his sermon was based on?  Yep, Psalm 139. Coincidence?  I think not.  I pretty much bawled the whole way through. Did I mention I've got an excessive amount of hormones pumping through my body right now?  Then Corey got home and we got to talking and I cried some more.  We decided to go out to dinner because we thought some fresh air might do me some good!  Chinese was sounding good, so we went to P.F. Changs.  After our meal we opened our fortune cookies, which didn't end up being very good, or so we thought. For some reason I turned mine over and realized there was a word on the back and the word just happened to be "children."  I showed Corey and he turned his over and his word was "winter."  We both stared at each other for a moment as we realized when you put them together it is "winter children." Important side note: if this all works out, I will be due in December!  I had been praying for a sign and then the other night when Corey prayed out loud he also asked God for a sign.  Maybe this was the answer?  Even though a fortune cookie is not where I expect to hear from Him, I wouldn't put it past Him. We both feel like it is not an accident that out of all the words in the world, these are the two that we got. God works in mysterious ways.  We'll definitely be keeping these for the baby book!  

All that to say, I am feeling a little better today, but still feeling a little down.  I was talking to a friend on the phone earlier and she reminded me that I cannot control what these hormones do to my body and not to be too hard on myself for feeling things that are normal to feel in my situation.  Being sad doesn't mean I have stopped trusting God, it means that the reality that I still may not have a baby at the end of all this is sinking in AND I have way more estrogen and progesterone on board than a woman is supposed to have at any given time!  I just feel like I am trying to prepare for the worst and am bracing myself for the intense heartache that is sure to come if that blood test reads "negative."  I can tell I am getting more nervous as the pregnancy test day gets closer.  But I don't want fear to replace the excitement and hopefulness, because I know that test could just as easily read "positive." Knowing I really needed to get into God's Word again, I decided to listen to the sermon from last weekend at my church since we were in Little Rock and missed it.  We are working our way through the Book of Revelation and this particular sermon happened to be on the Rapture.  I can't think of much more that will put things into perspective than knowing that the end is near and that the rapture could happen at any moment.  As a christian, it is an amazing thing to think about knowing you will be taken out of this world before God's wrath is poured out in the great tribulation. What grace He has on weak and lowly sinners like me. Today this study was a perfectly timed reminder for me that this life is short and that even if my prayers of having a baby are never answered, my time on this earth is not long and this ache and longing in my heart will not last forever.  It may feel long, but it's not long in the big scheme of things. I will be spending eternity in heaven with my Savior! In fact, this life is but a mist compared to eternity.  There will be no pain, no suffering, no loss, no despair once I get there.  And that moment when we are taken out of this world could happen any second. That, my friends, pulled my heart right out of it's pity party and placed my eyes back on Jesus. My problems aren't instantly solved since I had that time in The Word and was reminded of these things.  But time and time again I have learned that when I have an eternal perspective, everything is going to be ok.  But when I fall back into worldly ways of thinking, everything falls apart.  I keep forgetting, but He keeps teaching it to me again and again in His perfect patience.  How grateful I am that His mercies are new every morning! All that to say, deep down I know I'm going to be ok, no matter what tomorrow or the next day or the next day bring.  His hands have been all over this process, and He has reminded us over and over again in many different ways that He is there every step of the way.  There have been so many little signs. I don't yet know the answer to my earlier question, "Why March?  Why now?" But I do believe it as been strategically planned this way.  He heals the brokenhearted, comforts those who mourn, gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61) God never allows or appoints a fire in the life of a believer unless He can bring beauty from the ashes.  I cling to that truth!!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis  

I know we have chosen to be very open all along, but I do ask and plead that everyone please respect our privacy over this next week.  I know all of our friends and family will be very anxious to know whether or not I'm expecting. No matter what news we get, I know we will want a little time to rejoice or mourn together before we make it public.  But I promise you we won't keep you waiting long!  I just simply ask that you let us come to you and share when we are ready.  Trust me, if it is good news, we will be busting at the seams to proclaim it!!