I cannot tell you how heavy my heart is as I write today to tell you the bad news that I am not pregnant. We got the call on Tuesday night and I have been in a cloud of despair ever since.  It still feels like a really bad dream, but it is becoming more and more real with each passing hour.  I'm realizing that I'm not going to wake up and be pregnant and celebrating with my husband the fact that this long and painful trial of infertility is finally over for us. That's just not my reality.  My reality is that our prayers for a baby have once again gone unanswered.  I am heartbroken.  I am angry.  I am confused.  I am literally sick. It's not like we didn't know this was a possibility, but we just had so much hope! We felt like God led us down the IVF path at this time and opened doors and kept showing us Himself throughout the process.  There were so many signs and so much peace that seemed to be Him reassuring us that our dreams were finally about to come true.  But then they didn't.  And here we are back in this all too familiar place, trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of it all.  

We decided before starting IVF that this was going to be the end of the "trying to have a baby" road for us right now, no matter what the outcome.  We will not be doing anything to prevent us from getting pregnant, but we also will not be doing all we possibly can to try and achieve pregnancy.  We both feel like we have been prayerful and patient and have also done everything medically possible at this point.  We are so tired of our lives being consumed with appointments, medications, doctor's bills, side effects, etc. etc. etc.  What we can and cannot do is often determined by where I am at in my cycle.  For the past 48 months, there were at least 2 weeks out of each one that I either might be pregnant or I was pregnant.  It was hard to ever plan anything because I had to be at the doctor so often for ultrasounds and procedures.  And I can't tell you how many conversations between Corey and I start like this..."If we get pregnant this month..." It was always on our minds and we were also wondering each month if it would be the turning point from infertility to parenthood. We keep anxiously waiting for this major life change that never comes. So basically, we decided it was time to stop the craziness and at least give ourselves a break from it all if IVF was unsuccessful. We both felt strongly that God had opened the doors to IVF and we knew if He wanted to give us a baby through it, He would.  And if not, we needed to try to move on. 

So now here I am, wondering how in the world I am going to do this and realizing what a hard transition it will be. Trying to become a mother has been my passion and purpose the past 4 years, to a fault.  I'm so ready to be out from under the weight infertility, but so afraid the pain will never go away. I know there is still a possibility I could get pregnant.  But after so many failed attempts, unanswered prayers, disappointments and heartbreak, I cant help but think maybe this is just not what God has for me.  And that is a very hard pill to swallow, because for as long as I can remember, my life's dream has been to be a Mommy.  I mothered my dolls, I mothered my baby brother, I have been fascinated with pregnancy since I was a child. I grew up babysitting as much as I possibly could and my passion has always been to care for people.  My favorite areas of nursing are labor and delivery and pediatrics.  My favorite photo shoots to do are newborn and maternity pictures.  Even with how bad it hurts sometimes to be surrounded by pregnant women and families with children while longing to be in their shoes, that is still what I am drawn to because that is who God made me.  He gave me this intense desire to be a Mom. He gave me an appreciation for the gift of life. He gave me a love for babies.  The question, "why?" is what I continue to ask over and over again.

I have been avoiding God the past few days.  I have refused to pray or listen to christian radio or pick up my Bible. Not only have I been angry at God, but I knew that coming to Him would mean conviction and correction and ultimately a softened heart, and that was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to be mad.  I wanted to be alone.  I didn't want anyone, not even Him to try and comfort me, because I was certain I could not be comforted. Surprisingly, I still decided to open up the Bible app on my phone last evening and that is when I realized that I have been completely oblivious to the fact that it is "holy week."  So I made up my mind to go ahead and read yesterdays devotion about Maundy Thursday.  As I read, I could feel the stone wall around my heart begin to break down.  Matthew 26:37 says, "He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed." In the next verse, He goes on to say "My soul is sorrowful, even to death."  This is not the calm, powerful, brave and serene Jesus I am so used to seeing throughout the Gospels. This is deeply distressed Jesus. I am reminded that I have a Savior who has felt everything I could ever feel, and then some. And then a whole lot more actually.  I may feel like I am going to die of this heartache sometimes, but I do not know what it is like to literally have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And yet He empathizes with me, no matter how small my sorrow may be in the light of what He's endured.  As I was thinking about all of this, I remembered there was a chapter about Jesus' agony in Gethsemane in one of my favorite books, called "Living the Cross Centered Life."  So I went and found the book and the chapter and sat down to read it.  Although I thought I was all cried out, tears began to overflow my eyes.  

"In this garden, our Savior is beginning to confront as never before the ultimate and deepest agony of Calvary---an agony that will go infinitely beyond any physical aspects of His suffering.  For Jesus, the cross will bring incomparable and unprecedented suffering or wrath and abandonment.  His downward path into those unspeakable depths begins to plunge steeply in this garden called Gethsemane."  

With his face to the ground and His soul full of sorrow, He pleads with His Heavenly Father to remove this cup from Him.  The cup is a reference to the wrath of God for our sins. 

"That's why there is shuddering and terror and deep distress for Him at this moment. In the crucible of human weakness He's brought face to face with the abhorrent reality of bearing our iniquity and becoming the object of God's full and furious wrath. What Jesus recoils from here is not an anticipation of the physical pain associated with crucifixion.  Rather it's a pain infinitely greater--the agony of being abandoned by His Father."  

Jesus entered the garden to be with His Father before His betrayal, needing His comfort and strength more than ever.  He cried out, pleading for an alternative, but was met with silence.  Again He cried out, but there was no answer.  He was so distressed that drops of blood drip from His body. "Listen to this verse again for the very first time: For God so loved the world...that He is silent to His Son's agonizing appeal."  

And yet somehow Jesus' response is still, "yet not what I will, but what You will."  He is completely innocent, completely abandoned and yet He remains faithful.  

"As we watch Jesus pray in agony in Gethsemane, He has every right to turn His tearful eyes towards you and me and shout, "This is your cup.  You're responsible for this.  It's your sin!  You drink it." This cup should rightfully be thrust into my hand and yours.  Instead, Jesus freely takes it Himself...so that from the cross He can look down at you and me, whisper our names and say, "I drain this cup for you---for you who have lived in defiance of Me, who have hated Me, who have opposed Me.  I drink it all...for you."

I picture Him, hanging on the cross with His head down, looking into my eyes and saying:

For you, Chelsey... the one who continues to fall into the trap of believing what you feel and not what is real.  The one who proclaims how much you love Me and how much I've changed your life and then, like the disciples, when things get hard... you turn on Me.  Time and time again My truth is drown out by the storm you're in. How quickly and easily you forget what I have done for you, precious child.  I took your sin upon My shoulders because I wanted you to have life and have it to the fullest.  I have gone to infinitely greater lengths to make you my child than you will ever go in pursuit of a child. It breaks my heart that You continue to insist that your will would be best.  Don't you know that I have something so much better for you?   I don't want to just give you the desires of your heart, I want to exceed them. Your feelings are unreliable and your heart will fail you, but I never will. I am faithful. I know you you are hurting and that this pain is very real. I want to comfort you. I wish that in your weakest moments you would fall into My arms instead of cross your arms and look away, refusing to let Me in.  When you separate yourself from Me, you only cause yourself more pain.  I did not create you to be a mother, I created you to have a relationship with me, which may or may not ever include you being a mother on this earth.  You're going to have to accept that.  You have to remember that I can see the whole picture and you can only see just little bits and pieces.  Your life, your heart and your desires are precious to Me.  When I say I work all things out for your good, I mean it.  Cling to Me.  

"When He had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that He bowed His head and gave up His Spirit."  John 19:30  

In one of my darkest times, You bring me to remembrance of your darkest time. How easily I default into seeing my pain through worldly eyes.  But oh how my perspective changes when I view my circumstance kneeling before the cross, looking up.   My hope is renewed, because thanks to You, Sunday morning is coming both literally and figuratively.  I have spent the past few days blaming you and angry and you, but I repent of my foolishness.  Now I just want to say with all my heart... thank you Lord, for everything!  

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.


What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear Him." Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Today has got to be one of the strangest days of my life, knowing that later on I will receive news that will cause this to be one of the happiest or one of the hardest days I have known on this earth! It will be one extreme or the other. I have had days before where I've had a very sick loved one and I knew that each day could be their last and I was anticipating heartbreak. I have also had days where I knew the man I loved might pop the question and for a while I woke up each day with anticipation of the excitement & celebration that was just around the corner. But I've never had both to this extent before. I feel like I'm about to burst, but will it be with tears of joy or tears of sorrow?

This morning as I was praying, the words of this verse came into my mind. Soon we will know whether this is a time to weep or a time to laugh, a time to mourn or a time to dance. But what stood out to me most in this verse as I read it was the sentence "He has made everything beautiful in its time." No matter what today brings, He has the ability to not only make the laughing and the dancing beautiful, but the weeping and mourning, too. This could very well be the last day of our infertility trial and I cannot tell you the burden that would be lifted if that is the case. I can hardly remember what it is like to be out from under it. But this trial may go on and if so, I can say boldly that He will somehow make it beautiful, because that is what He promises in His Word. What do we gain from our toil? He makes everything beautiful in His time. When you are a child of God, nothing you endure will ever be in vain. That truth brings comfort to my restless heart.

I am ready to know what my reality is because I cannot keep on in limbo much longer.  At this point, I am either with child or I am not and no amount of waiting and wondering is going to change that.  If I'm not pregnant, I would rather know than continue to have false hope that I am. And if I am pregnant, I would rather know than continue to fear that I'm not.  There will be closure one way or the other.  There will also be extreme amounts of emotion, but still closure.  

I wasn't planning to blog today, but I had these things on my heart and needed to say them because I know I could very well be too ecstatic or too weak over the next few weeks to even think straight.  I know so many people are praying for us, I can feel it.  And I know it won't stop no matter what news today brings.  What a blessing!  I bet there are people reading this who may also need the encouragement of this verse today. If you find yourself  in a time of mourning or weeping, know that that it is not permanent and that He will make it beautiful. You will laugh and dance again.  You and I both will!

Since you are so used to hearing from me every few days lately, I thought I should write a little something to let you all know how the dreaded "2 week wait" is going.  That and it is just downright good for me to blog/journal! Plus, I know someday I will look back and read these blog posts and I want to make sure I have every part of the process documented.  A friend recommended that I print all of them off and make a book so that I will always have it, even if the blog itself gets taken down.  I think that is a great idea!

I must say, my days went from craziness to nothingness in the blink of an eye!  Prior to the embryo transfer, it was appointments and ultrasounds and blood draws and various shots and pills and phone calls and updates and trips back and forth to Little Rock and decisions nearly every single day for 3 weeks.  But since the transfer on Sunday, its a few meds and a whole lot of waiting.  At first I was very thankful for the change, as it gave me a chance to rest and relax and decompress.  But now I am realizing that the business kept me from thinking too much.  If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I usually get myself into trouble when I think too much.  

One thing that has really struck me over these past few days while I've had way too much time to ponder things is how significant of a month March has been in our journey to try and become parents. It was March 2011 when Corey and I began actively trying to have a baby. We were an excited newly married couple, ready to start our family!  It was such a joyful time in our marriage.  I felt that after many years of strongly desiring to be a mother,  I would finally be pursuing the role that I was certain God created me for.  It was March 16th, 2013 when we found out we were pregnant for the second time.  I remember that day so clearly.  When the test showed up positive, I was almost in disbelief after so many negative tests before.  I recently found a journal entry that I wrote that day, praising God and exclaiming my excitement and gratefulness!  It was a feeling I had only known once before. Less then 2 weeks later, on March 25th... I miscarried.  Just thinking about it brings waves of grief over my soul.  Now here I am in March 2015 and I am in the midst of in-vitro fertilization.  I can't help but ask the Lord, why March?  Why not May or September or some other month that doesn't have as much significance in our infertility journey?  When I think about March, I think of the excitement of soon becoming a mother I felt in 2011 that is still unmet to this day 4 years later.  I think about the utter joy of being pregnant in 2013 that was very short lived before it got taken away. How can I not be a little worried that the excitement and anticipation I feel this March is also going to result in a painful outcome?  

Until yesterday I can honestly say I was doing really well.  I was cool, calm and collected.  I was just so at peace knowing God is in control and I was feeling very hopeful and positive.  I'm not sure what happened yesterday, but I fell apart. Maybe part of the reason was that I had an episode Thursday night that scared me.  I was going out to dinner with my friend Page and I had been having some mild stomach pains for about an hour that were noticeable but didn't really bother me. Right before we got our food at the restaurant, the pains became very severe.  It was like shooting pains all over my abdomen, from really low up into my ribs. I thought maybe I was having a gallbladder attack or something.  I could barely talk or even breathe and she said I turned very pale.  After about 10 minutes, the pains lessened and within 30 minutes they were completely gone.  I have had no pain since. I called the doctor's office yesterday morning and they said it was likely from the progesterone I am on or from my ovaries being so swollen and irritated.  I am supposed to let them know if it happens again. Regardless of what they said, I think subconsciously I began to blame myself.  Did I cause this?  Maybe if I had been eating healthier this wouldn't have happened.  Did I overdue it physically?  I've been trying to rest and take it easy, but maybe I have still done too much.  Then fear started to creep in.  Does this mean something is wrong in there?  Is this normal? Then doubt... everyone keeps asking if I feel any different and I don't.  Should I?  Does this mean the embryos didn't take?  Is my body rejecting them? So as I'm beating myself up about all these things I'm trying to turn to prayer but just can't focus. My day included a lot of tears.  I did finally get myself to watch a sermon by Matt Chandler on the sanctity of life, which was definitely the highlight of my day.  I had been reading psalm 139 a lot lately, and guess what his sermon was based on?  Yep, Psalm 139. Coincidence?  I think not.  I pretty much bawled the whole way through. Did I mention I've got an excessive amount of hormones pumping through my body right now?  Then Corey got home and we got to talking and I cried some more.  We decided to go out to dinner because we thought some fresh air might do me some good!  Chinese was sounding good, so we went to P.F. Changs.  After our meal we opened our fortune cookies, which didn't end up being very good, or so we thought. For some reason I turned mine over and realized there was a word on the back and the word just happened to be "children."  I showed Corey and he turned his over and his word was "winter."  We both stared at each other for a moment as we realized when you put them together it is "winter children." Important side note: if this all works out, I will be due in December!  I had been praying for a sign and then the other night when Corey prayed out loud he also asked God for a sign.  Maybe this was the answer?  Even though a fortune cookie is not where I expect to hear from Him, I wouldn't put it past Him. We both feel like it is not an accident that out of all the words in the world, these are the two that we got. God works in mysterious ways.  We'll definitely be keeping these for the baby book!  

All that to say, I am feeling a little better today, but still feeling a little down.  I was talking to a friend on the phone earlier and she reminded me that I cannot control what these hormones do to my body and not to be too hard on myself for feeling things that are normal to feel in my situation.  Being sad doesn't mean I have stopped trusting God, it means that the reality that I still may not have a baby at the end of all this is sinking in AND I have way more estrogen and progesterone on board than a woman is supposed to have at any given time!  I just feel like I am trying to prepare for the worst and am bracing myself for the intense heartache that is sure to come if that blood test reads "negative."  I can tell I am getting more nervous as the pregnancy test day gets closer.  But I don't want fear to replace the excitement and hopefulness, because I know that test could just as easily read "positive." Knowing I really needed to get into God's Word again, I decided to listen to the sermon from last weekend at my church since we were in Little Rock and missed it.  We are working our way through the Book of Revelation and this particular sermon happened to be on the Rapture.  I can't think of much more that will put things into perspective than knowing that the end is near and that the rapture could happen at any moment.  As a christian, it is an amazing thing to think about knowing you will be taken out of this world before God's wrath is poured out in the great tribulation. What grace He has on weak and lowly sinners like me. Today this study was a perfectly timed reminder for me that this life is short and that even if my prayers of having a baby are never answered, my time on this earth is not long and this ache and longing in my heart will not last forever.  It may feel long, but it's not long in the big scheme of things. I will be spending eternity in heaven with my Savior! In fact, this life is but a mist compared to eternity.  There will be no pain, no suffering, no loss, no despair once I get there.  And that moment when we are taken out of this world could happen any second. That, my friends, pulled my heart right out of it's pity party and placed my eyes back on Jesus. My problems aren't instantly solved since I had that time in The Word and was reminded of these things.  But time and time again I have learned that when I have an eternal perspective, everything is going to be ok.  But when I fall back into worldly ways of thinking, everything falls apart.  I keep forgetting, but He keeps teaching it to me again and again in His perfect patience.  How grateful I am that His mercies are new every morning! All that to say, deep down I know I'm going to be ok, no matter what tomorrow or the next day or the next day bring.  His hands have been all over this process, and He has reminded us over and over again in many different ways that He is there every step of the way.  There have been so many little signs. I don't yet know the answer to my earlier question, "Why March?  Why now?" But I do believe it as been strategically planned this way.  He heals the brokenhearted, comforts those who mourn, gives beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. (Isaiah 61) God never allows or appoints a fire in the life of a believer unless He can bring beauty from the ashes.  I cling to that truth!!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:22-23

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis  

I know we have chosen to be very open all along, but I do ask and plead that everyone please respect our privacy over this next week.  I know all of our friends and family will be very anxious to know whether or not I'm expecting. No matter what news we get, I know we will want a little time to rejoice or mourn together before we make it public.  But I promise you we won't keep you waiting long!  I just simply ask that you let us come to you and share when we are ready.  Trust me, if it is good news, we will be busting at the seams to proclaim it!!  

I can tell you for certain that today's blog post is absolutely the most exciting one for me to write in my time as a blogger thus far!  I get to share with you that we transferred 2 very healthy embryos into my body yesterday!!!!  I cannot explain to you the joy, relief and gratitude we are feeling! I just had to come right out and tell you. Now I will go on to explain what all transpired :) 

We got up early yesterday morning to head to Little Rock, not knowing how many of our embryos were still alive and well, if any at all.  I think we were both equally uneasy and ecstatic!  We were expecting a call from the doctor around 8:30 to tell us the news of how our embryos were doing and if we needed to keep heading south or turn around and go home, but that call never came.  We got to the office around 9:15, and that's when we got the news that we had 2 embryos that made it and were doing really well.  They told us that they were in the morula stage & we would be able to transfer them both!  We were thrilled!  Mr. Einstein the embryologist (really his name) said we also had one other one that was still hanging in there and he wanted to watch it another day to see if it would continue developing and be able to be frozen.  So we for sure had 2 healthy embryos, maybe even 3. What a relief!!  There is always a little bit of fear that you are going to go through all of this and end up with no embryos to transfer.  That would be so horrible and I feel truly awful for anyone who that has happened to.

We changed into fashionable hospital gowns and hats and then they took us back into the procedure room.  The embryologist came in and said he had good news for us!  Apparently between the time he looked at the embryos that morning and the time of the procedure, one of the little guys (or girls) ;) had changed from a morula to a blastocyst, which is even better!  The blastocyst stage is as good as it can get. So we ended up with one morula and one blastocyst by go time. The doctor came in and started first by doing an ultrasound to look at my uterus and ovaries.  He said my ovaries were swollen and enlarged, but not to the point of hyperstimulation. Luckily they are not bad enough to be a concern to my health or a pregnancy, but that if I do get pregnant, they will remain enlarged for at least the first trimester due to the hormones being produced by the pregnancy. This was another relief! I was right on the verge of hyperstimulation, but fortunately it was able to be controlled and has not interfered with the process too much.  It did cause us a few scares and worries along the way, but other than some continued mild cramping and bloating, I now seem to be in the clear.  He also looked at my uterine lining and said it was 11mm.  Ideally they like it to be between 8-13mm, so that was perfect!  

They took a picture of the embryos right before they were transferred and gave it to us.  The one on the left is the morula and the right is the blastocyst.  Pretty amazing, huh?! :)

Next, he began scanning my uterus to see exactly where he thought the best spot to place the embryos was going to be. Once he decided, he put in a speculum and threaded a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus.  The embryologist then came back in with the 2 embryos loaded into a syringe which was attached to the end of the catheter.  He then gently pushed them in.  We got to watch it all on ultrasound while it was happening. You could actually see the embryos go from the catheter into my uterus!  We were in absolute amazement and trying to take it all in.  I never want to forget what a special moment that was... staring at that monitor with Corey's hand on my shoulder, seeing these tiny little beings that are a mixture of us now being back where they belong.  I pray that my body will nurture and comfort them and prove to be a place they want to settle in and stay!  After the procedure, I laid flat for 30 minutes, and then they sent us home.  The last step in the IVF process was now complete! 

Here is the ultrasound picture.  The bright white circle that the arrow is pointing to is the embryos inside my uterus!  

I have been ordered by my doctor, husband, mom... and pretty much everyone to take it very easy these few days following the transfer. No leaving the house, no cleaning or cooking, no lifting anything over 10 pounds and lots of laying around.  Even though I am a busy body and absolutely terrible at not doing anything for an extended period of time, I am doing pretty good so far.  It is a lot easier when you have this much on the line!  Talk about motivation.  I'm sure most normal people would be grateful for this opportunity.  I'm trying!  

We did get a call this morning letting us know that the 3rd embryo did not make it.  This was bittersweet, but having 3 was simply not God's plan and we accept that.  As relieved and happy we are that I officially have 2 babies on board, we know that this trial is not over yet. These embryos were put in, but they still have to implant into my uterus on their own. And even then, we've had 2 pregnancies in the past where the embryos did implant, but we still ended up losing them both regardless.  For me, getting pregnant is only half the battle.  All we can hope is that this time will be different, that we won't have to experience the bitter pain of miscarriage once again. Our broken hearts have been slowly pieced back together several times over the past 4 years. This time I desperately want to experience heartbeats and kicks and cravings and even morning sickness if it means a healthy baby or babies! Infertility is always going to be a part of who I am, I know that.  I will never forget the babies we lost, all the tears I have cried and feelings I have felt or the absolute wringer I have put my body through. I will never forget all I have learned and how much I have seen God throughout this trial.  But I'm ready to move on.  I hope with all my heart that this is the time God has always been planning to answer our prayers for children.  He is very good at writing happy endings to painful and messy stories.  (See: the entire Bible) 

These next 2 weeks before we know for sure that I am pregnant, I am going to do my best to focus on praying over these sweet new lives inside of me.  It will be a struggle not to let Satan and his lies creep in.  I know how weak and vulnerable I can be to anxiety and fear.  But I know from experience that when I feel those burdens coming down on me and begin to pray in Jesus' name, He removes them and covers me instead in a blanket of His peace and assurance of His sovereignty.  I gotta keep looking up!  "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12:9 

I feel like there is so much more I want to say, but my thoughts are all over the place right now.  I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to write again once I've collected them in the days and weeks to come! Plus, I've already written a book tonight...so I better stop.  I always plan to keep it short, but it never happens.  I also often feel like a broken record, but I'm going to say it again anyway... I appreciate your love and prayers so much!  Please keep it up. I promise you are making a big difference in my life!  

I can't believe it is already time for another update! Time is seriously going by so fast.  I am glad that is the case because I do think it is much better for my sanity than the alternative!!!

As I told you in my previous post, Day 1 post egg retrieval showed that we had 6 fertilized eggs! The doctor's office told us that we would be getting a call each day with a report on how they were progressing. The embryologist (who knew such a person even existed?) uses a grading system of poor, fair, good, excellent/good and excellent.  They also are very concerned with how many cells each one has each day. Before I give you the numbers, I want to share a few pictures that I think are very helpful in understanding the different stages in embryo development. I know all of this information I've been giving you guys over the past few weeks is super in depth and foreign and mind boggling.  It is for me, too!  Pictures do seem to make it all a little easier to understand. 

So basically, there are 3 categories that the embryo can go through during IVF as I understand it.... and they are zygote, morula and blastocyst.  Obviously for us these changes are taking place in a petri dish, rather than in my body.  

Yesterday morning we got a call from the nurse to give us the Day 2 report. Here is how our embryos were looking at that time...

1- 4 cell excellent/good
1- 4 cell good
2- 3 cell excellent
1- 2 cell excellent
1- 1 cell good

Because all of the embryos were 4 cells or less, they were still all in the zygote stage.  This is normal and expected at Day 2.  The nurse really wouldn't tell us much as far as if this was good or bad or normal. Apparently they don't like to say too much because things can change quickly.  She did tell us that is is reassuring that none of them were graded fair or poor and that they were all still alive and most of them were dividing and growing.  At that time, they couldn't tell us for sure if we were going to need to do a Day 3 transfer or if we'd be able to wait until Day 5.  Our embryos were on the fence, meaning they could be a little better, but they could also be a lot worse. They advised us to be up and ready to go the next morning and they would call us at 8 a.m. this morning to let us know if we needed to head to Little Rock to do the transfer.  So then it was time to wait another 24 hours for the next report. 

Today is Day 3.  Needless to say, Corey and I were up, showered, dressed, ready and practically staring at my phone when it finally started ringing.  It was Dr. Batres calling to give us our Day 3 report:

2- 8 cell excellent
1- 6 cell excellent
1- 6 cell good
1- 4 cell good
1- 3 cell good

Ok, sounds like a pretty good report... "so what do you want us to do," we ask?  "Well, it's up to you," he says.  Uhhh, totally didn't see that coming! I fully planned on him telling us what we were going to do! But instead, he left the decision to us.  He said we could transfer the two 8 cell excellent embryos today (Day 3) and that there would be a 40-50% chance of success.  They would then continue to watch the remaining embryos for a few days and any that made it to day 5 and were still in excellent condition could be frozen.  The perk of doing that is knowing that we have 2 embryos we could transfer today, they just aren't quite as far along in their development, which means the success rate is a little lower. He also said we would be guessing which ones are the best.  Right now, the top 2 look the best, but one of the other ones may end up being the best.  Until they reach are further developed, it is pretty much impossible to determine. 

The other option is to just let them be and see what happens between now and Sunday. Hopefully they would continue to develop from zygotes into morulas or even blastocysts (See pictures above).  He said there is a very very small chance that none of them will survive, but that he and the embryologist both feel pretty confident that we will have at least 1 good, healthy embryo on Sunday, otherwise they would not even give us the option to wait. We may even have more.... there is just no way to know! Transferring 1 emrbyo on Day 5 raises the success rate to 50-55% and transferring 2 on Day 5 raises it to 60%.  So basically, the success rate is higher on Day 5 than on Day 3 no matter how you look at it.  The biggest downfall is that you could end up with none if you wait.  

We got off the phone so we could discuss our options and make a decision before calling him back. It was a tough decision to make because really....it is ALL out of our control.  If we do it today, there is no guarantee that they will take.  If we do it Sunday, there is no guarantee that they will take. So our conclusion was that we needed to take a leap of faith.  We've known all along that God is in control of every single detail of this process, so why would we try and take the reigns now?  If He wants us to have an embryo or two to transfer on Sunday, then He will nourish and protect them so that it will happen.  If He wants us to have a baby at this time, we will have a baby dang it!!   He is not limited by statistics or probabilites or science.  When you are going through this, it is easy to get sucked in to all of that and lose sight of the fact that He is the God of the impossible, the unlikely and the seemingly hopeless.  He will come through for us, and if He doesn't... it is because it was never His plan for us to have a baby to begin with.  There is a reason we've gone through 4 years of infertility and through IVF...and it goes so far beyond having a baby in our arms.  I don't know what it is yet, but I know its a good one.  

So Day 5 it is.  I'd be lying to you if I told you we are not a little nervous, but we are far more excited and peaceful.  We will not be getting a call tomorrow because once the decision is made to wait until Day 5, the embryos are placed in a new media (solution) and back into the incubator and not disturbed for 48 hours.  The next time they will be looked at is Sunday morning.  Corey and I are supposed to arrive at the office in Little Rock around 9:30 on Sunday morning.  There is a chance we will get a call while we are driving saying not to come because we have no embryos left, but I wouldn't bet on it.  We have hope that is not going to be the case.   I will be praying without ceasing!  Today is the first day of Spring (hallelujah!) and everything is beginning to come alive again.  The trees are budding and the flowers are beginning to bloom.  I'm am just overwhelmed by a feeling of new life.  What a perfect time to be right where we are in this process!!  I don't think that's an accident, I think it's a gift. 

Today's BIG praises:

1) The egg retrieval went really smooth yesterday!  I didn't feel a thing and got myself a nice little nap :)  My biggest fear was that I was going to ovulate on my own before they did the retrieval....but luckily that didn't happen!  Once I woke up, the doctor reported that they were able to collect 13 eggs from my ovaries!  Corey and I have talked and prayed a lot about the number of eggs we were comfortable starting with and had both agreed on 10.  It is a hard decision to make because you have no idea how many embryos will come from that amount of eggs. You worry about getting too many and about not getting any. That is where trust in God has to come in.  We've had to keep reminding ourselves that He is in control and He knows exactly what He wants for us. Statistics mean nothing to Him. It is easy to lose sight of that truth.  So they took 10 of the eggs and put the sperm with them and then all we could do was wait and see what happened! I slept most of the way there, most of the way home, took a 3 hour nap right when we got home and slept all night last night. Needless to say, I was pretty out of it!  I am feeling much more alive today!  

2) We got a call from the doctor's office this morning letting us know that 6 of the eggs were fertilized!!!  Eeeekkkk!!  We officially have 6 little zygotes!  Here is a little science lesson I gave myself today... When a single sperm enters the egg, conception occurs. The combined sperm and egg is called a zygote. The zygote contains all of the genetic information (DNA) needed to become a baby. Half the DNA comes from the mother's egg and half from the father's sperm. Over the next few days, it divides to form a ball of cells called a blastocyst. A blastocyst is made up of an inner group of cells with an outer shell. The inner group of cells will become the embryo. The embryo is what will develop into a baby. It makes me sad to think that most likely all 6 of these fertilized eggs will not survive and grow into babies.  Once again, it is out of our control.  Only God knows the plan He has for these tiny little cells that are the start of human life.  All I know is I am praying my heart out for them!  

3) So far the hyper-stimulation seems to be under control and not getting any worse.  The nurse really helped explain everything to us yesterday.  She said I don't actually have Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome yet, but I am at high risk for it because my estrogen levels are so high, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and I have a small body frame. The cause of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome isn't fully understood, although having a high level of human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) — a hormone usually produced during pregnancy — in your system plays a role. Ovarian blood vessels react abnormally to HCG and begin to leak fluid. This fluid swells the ovaries, and sometimes large amounts move into the abdomen and possibly the chest. During fertility treatments, HCG may be given as a "trigger" so that a mature follicle will release its egg. OHSS usually happens within a week after you receive an HCG injection (I had mine Sunday). If you become pregnant during a treatment cycle, OHSS may worsen as your body begins producing its own HCG in response to the pregnancy. We were told yesterday that the next few days are very important in determining how severe it will be.  I am watching carefully for any concerning signs and symptoms.  We were told that if I do develop nausea/vomitting, difficulty breathing, decreased urine output, weight gain, etc. that we will have to freeze the embryos and wait to do the transfer until next month because at that point, proceeding would be too risky for me and the possible pregnancy.  Apparently your body resets once you've had a menstrual cycle.  I am really hoping that doesn't happen because a) it would be a scary and uncomfortable thing to go through and b) we are SO ready to do this.  But if it does, it won't be the end of the world.  We have to make sure I am healthy so my body can handle a pregnancy and I would never want to put a baby's life at risk!  

Our embryo transfer will either be Friday or Sunday, depending on how our zygote/blastocyte/embryos are doing.  That's all for now, but I'll be back with an update soon!  

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:7-11

Last time I wrote to you, I was getting ready to head down to Little Rock Friday for my appointment with the infertility specialist.  He ended up having me come back both Saturday and Sunday mornings for labs and ultrasounds because he wanted to keep a close eye on my progress. My estrogen levels and follicle sizes continued to rise and yesterday he said my follicles were at an ideal size and that we would do the egg retrieval on Tuesday morning!  He also gave us pictures of both ovaries showing most of the follicles. Even though we watch all the ultrasounds, I thought it was great to have these so I could show all of you!  According to him, I have 12 total follicles and at least 8-10 were "ready" yesterday.  More could mature by tomorrow morning, so we should end up with between 8-12 good eggs to use.  That is pretty much exactly the number range we hoped for :) 

In the car yesterday on our way home, we got a call from my doctor.  He got my lab results back and my estrogen had increased substantially.  It had gone from  2, 000 on Saturday to 3, 400 yesterday. My progesterone had also gone up, from 0.7 to 1.9.  He said these were signs of ovarian hyperstimulation.  So, he called me in another pill that I was told to start immediately, which is supposed to keep it from getting much worse.  It was unexpected and kind of scary news to get because I know that Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome can cause complications to both my health and the health of our potential pregnancy.  But for now, we are going to hope and pray that it continues to be mild and manageable and that none of that will be a concern. I am not currently displaying any symptoms other than some mild bloating, so that is a good thing. Jesus is Lord over it all, and this comes as no surprise to Him!  Although I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday, I am feeling better today and continuing to trust that He has me in His hands.  I personally think if your estrogen level is > 3,000, you should have a free pass to cry whenever you want to :)   I am feeling better today after a good night of sleep and a full day at home with no appointments or traveling.  

Last night at 10 p.m., I took my HCG trigger shot as I was instructed, and I'm so happy to say that I am now officially done with shots! From here on out, my meds will all be in pill, patch or suppository form.  I started an antibiotic yesterday and will start a steroid tomorrow.  The antibiotic is to prevent any infection from the egg retrieval procedure and the steroid is to decrease any inflammation from the procedure and in the uterus to promote implantation of the embryos when that time comes.  Below is information straight from my doctor's website on the egg retrieval procedure that will be taking place tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m.  

"Approximately 36 hours after the Ovidrel (HCG) injection, we will retrieve the eggs transvaginally under ultrasound guidance. This procedure is performed in our clinic under intravenous (IV) conscious sedation. You will be heavily sedated, but not asleep. You should experience no pain during this procedure. The egg retrieval usually takes about 30 minutes to complete. Afterwards, you will recover for about two hours before going home. You will start progesterone supplementation the following day. We will need a sperm sample from your spouse shortly after the egg retrieval. The sperm and eggs are then mixed together in our laboratory and incubated overnight. The next morning, we will evaluate the eggs for signs of fertilization. On average, approximately 60-70% of the eggs will fertilize normally. The fertilized eggs are then placed in new culture media and placed back in the incubator where they will remain until the day of embryo transfer." 

Basically, the way I see it, they are going to pop each follicle and suck out the egg.  I'm pretty happy I will not be conscious for it!!  I do think it would be cool to watch, but I am guessing it would not feel too good!  After it is all done tomorrow, we will shift gears from focusing on the eggs & follicles to focusing on and praying over our little embryos!  

Tomorrow is such an important and special day!  It will be the first day of life for the child or children God blesses us with through IVF.  My eyes just filled up with tears and I got a huge smile on my face as that thought crossed my mind. What an incredibly beautiful thing!  I am so in awe of His goodness.  I will get to pray for these sweet babies of mine from the moment they are created.  What a gift as a mother!  

More from my doctor since I am not sure if I will have another chance to blog before the transfer takes place...." Embryos are transferred either on the 3rd or the 5th day after the egg retrieval. Embryo transfer is usually a painless procedure and does not require any sedation. The embryos are loaded in a small catheter, which is placed through the cervix and into the uterine cavity. The number of embryos that are transferred depends on several factors including the embryo quality and the age of the woman. Your IVF physician will discuss this with you and together you will make an informed decision as to the number of embryos to transfer. In our program, we typically transfer 1-2 embryos. Any additional embryos may be frozen for later use. After you are discharged, we recommend bed rest for the next two days. After two weeks, we will preform a pregnancy test to see if implantation has occurred. Hopefully, you will have a positive result and it will be time to start preparing for your little miracle."  

We know for sure that our embryo transfer will take place on either Friday or Sunday. What a big, big week this is for us! I am trying to taking it all in, but it still seems kind of surreal. Please keep us in your prayers as we travel to and from Little Rock tomorrow.  Also pray that the egg retrieval procedure will go smoothly and that God will continue to keep me safe and healthy throughout this process.  And of course, pray that some of the eggs will be fertilized and that our fragile little ones will grow healthy and strong with God's love & protection over them!  I can't wait to tell them someday how loved they were from day 1 :)  

We'll continue to keep you updated!