WHOA!!  It has been over 10 days since my last post!  How did that happen? Where did the time go?  Well, I guess I have a pretty good idea how that happened.  The past few weeks have been spent finishing one job, trying to start a new one, beginning a bible study with lots of homework, dog sitting, going to multiple doctor’s appointments, cooking, cleaning, traveling to Alabama, fighting a cold, worship team practicing, and trying to be a somewhat present wife, daughter and friend. It has been a whirlwind of a month so far! But I must remind myself that it is mostly good things and I should be grateful. And I truly am grateful.  My mind is just going in several different directions and blogging got unintentionally placed on the back burner.  But I’m back!  

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Corey and I had decided not do any fertility drugs this month to see if I would ovulate on my own now that the PCOS seems to be under control. We were very hopeful that it would happen as we both feel the PCOS has likely been our biggest obstacle to getting pregnant.  I went in for my 1st follicle ultrasound earlier this month and there were no mature follicles.  Then I went back in several days later and there were still zero follicles.  So, unfortunately it didn’t work like we hoped it would!  (sad face....)  Back to the fertility drugs we go. At least now we know that my ovaries do still need some stimulation. So now what we have to decide is, should we do a lower dose of clomid or a new drug called femora?  And should we also do IUI or wait a few more months? Decisions, decisions.  IUI (intrauterine insemination) is a procedure where a sample of my husband’s sperm would be released into my uterus via a catheter.  I would take the fertility drugs like usual days 5-9 of my cycle and then go in for a follicle ultrasound around day 14.  If 3 or less mature follicles were present, the doctor would give me an HCG shot which would trigger my body to release the eggs, a.k.a ovulation. Then the sample of sperm would be washed and separated.  I understand that to mean the most motile sperm are selected and concentrated into a smaller volume.  Then it would be put into a catheter and the doctor would put through my cervix and into my uterus where the sperm would be released.  The idea is that by bypassing the cervix and increasing the number of sperm cells that are placed in the uterus, the chance of conception is greater. We love the idea of increasing our chances, but hate the idea of it being so unnatural.  We’d love nothing more than to conceive a child in the privacy of our own bedroom!  

Please pray for wisdom in these decisions!  We don’t want to do anything without God’s hand on it.  Corey and I were talking the other night and I told him that one of the most frustrating things to me is how many times we’ve had to start over in this journey.  After our first miscarriage we had to start back at square 1, after our 2nd miscarriage we had to start back at square 1 and after the PCOS diagnosis we had to start back at square 1.  And now 3 years later it feels like we’ve hardly done anything, but wait…and wait…and wait. We are both growing very impatient. Many people would have probably done much more aggressive treatments by now.  But three different times we had to start over as if we had just begun trying.  Even though our bodies may have reset, our hearts sure didn’t.  We feel every bit of those 3 years weighing on us.  All we want is for the weight to be lifted.  And we pray it will be SOON.  

Today I want to share with you something awesome that happened to me last weekend!! My girlfriend Kellie texted me a few weeks ago to ask if I could get together on Sunday. So when Sunday came, I went over to her house expecting to just hang out and talk with her. I walked in her house and much to my surprise, she and 5 of my other close girlfriends were there. They explained that they were all there to encourage me and love on me.  They told me that they had been praying for me (which I knew, because they often told me), but that they also wanted to do something tangible for me to show their love and support.  They handed me a wrapped gift that I opened to find a beautiful, white baby blanket with my last name embroidered on it, along with a decorative plaque that said “so loved.”  With tears in my eyes, I opened the card and began to read it aloud, but got so choked up that Page read the rest of it for me. 

“Chelsey, you are not alone.  We go daily before God on your behalf. The Lord WILL give you the desires of your heart, and we praise Him in advance.  This blanket is for your baby, the baby God will give you.  We have each taken it home and prayed over it, we prayed in assurance that God will reward you for your faithfulness.  When you are filled with doubt, grab it and hold onto it, for once day you will hold God’s miracle.  Hold it and remember that there are 7 women who cry out to God with you.  You are so strong and an incredible example to so many.  We are all blessed by your friendship, your faith is contagious.  Take this blanket and let it be a constant reminder of God’s sovereignty over your life.  We hope with you, we pray with you—with certainty that God will place a baby in this blanket.  We love you ~ Kellie, Brittany, Bonnie, Britney, Page, Michelle and Danielle.”

Wow...I was speechless!  It was so evident that God had truly blessed me with an amazingly caring, encouraging & prayerful group of friends.  One of my biggest prayers when we moved to Arkansas a few years ago was that He would bring good, solid friends into our life... and this special day was yet another great reminder that He does hear and answer my prayers. These girls met and came to know me when I was at my worst, but they befriended me anyway.  And what they did for me last weekend was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. Not only did they give me a blanket that I will treasure forever, but they also gave me a day on this journey that I will forever be able to look back on and smile about!  That day I got a break from the heartache and was overcome by a feeling of being so loved.  And that is truly priceless.  

"Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ."  Galations 6:2

I love music!  And by love, I mean really, truly love.  It has always been a big part of my life.  My Dad owns a music store, and I spent a lot of time there while I was growing up. The store was only a few blocks from my grade school and I remember often walking over there after school to hang out.  If business was slow, Dad and I would sit down at the piano together.  He would play and I would sing.  Let me tell you, my Dad is awesome on the piano and I always loved sitting next to him, admiring his talent and singing my little heart out.  Some of our favorites were “The wind beneath my wings” by Bette Midler, “I believe” by Blessed Union of Souls, and “Memory” from the Broadway musical Cats. Interesting collection, I know.  But it makes me smile to think about it!  And I have not stopped singing since.  I was always heavily involved in the music programs at my middle school and high school.  I have had the privilege to sing at several weddings of friends and family members and the funerals of loved ones.  I lived in Nashville for a year where I was literally surrounded by music all the time!  And currently I have the privilege to be a part of the worship team at my church.  

I've realized that music is more than just a hobby and an interest for me.  God actually uses my love for music as a tool in my relationship with Him.  He utilizes different songs at different times in my life to speak to me.  Maybe because He knows I will actually listen that way.  When I pray, I tend to spend a lot of time talking and hardly any time being silent and listening.  But when it comes to a song, I’m really paying attention to what it is saying and so many times I can completely relate to the lyrics & I often get very emotional. I know that is God.  Several months ago I was out running some errands and the song “You are I Am” by Mercy Me came on the radio.  I remember being in a particularly grumpy mood that day.  I was sick and tired of this trial I was going through.  I kept worrying about what I would have to endure next and I had began to doubt that I would ever even have a baby.  Maybe I should just give up hope, I thought.  It hurts too much to keep being disappointed month after month.  I remember feeling completely abandoned by God.  Does He even hear my prayers? If He really loved me, why would He give me such a strong desire to be a mother but not fulfill it?  What good has it done for Corey and I to spend the past 3 years praying, trusting and waiting on the Lord?  We should have just taken matters into our own hands and been more aggressive in our fertility treatments.  We could have done IVF a year ago and we might just have a baby now.  Then the words of the song playing in the background broke in….

I've been the one to shake with fear,

And wonder if You're even here.

I've been the one to doubt Your love.

I've told myself You're not enough.

I've been the one to try and say,

I'll overcome by my own strength.

I've been the one to fall apart,

And start to question who You are.

I've been the one held down in chains,

Beneath the weight of all my shame.

I've been the one to believe,

That where I am You cannot reach.

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started sobbing.  With that song at that moment, God showed me the true state of my heart.  I was shaking in fear, I was doubting His love, I was falling apart and I was definitely held down in chains of self pity.  Without realizing it, I had let my sadness and frustration over our situation turn to anger and bitterness. And as bitterness took root in my heart and began to spread, I slowly felt more and more disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, everyone. I didn't really even recognize myself anymore. I had built up a wall around my heart and pushed everyone away. It was a very lonely place.  I had become very self absorbed, telling myself that I deserve better and that this just isn’t fair.  I had never felt so broken.  Where do I go from here I wondered?  

On a daily basis I am faced with 2 choices.  I can either listen to myself and my constantly changing, very unreliable feelings about my circumstances or I can talk to myself about the unchanging truth of who God is and what He has accomplished for me on the cross.  I’m so thankful The Lord helped me stop listening to myself in that moment in my car.  I knew I needed to start talking to myself again.  After all, the truth is that God has gone to far greater lengths to make me His child then I will ever go to in the pursuit of growing my own family.  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  He will never leave or forsake me. He did not turn His back on me, I turned my back on Him. He is the one and only true God. These things I know because His Word says so.  When I start repeating these truths over and over in my mind, peace begins to overpower doubt, worries begin to fade away and bitterness melts to contentment.  It is quite amazing the transformation that occurs when you talk to yourself rather than listen to yourself. That doesn’t mean I don’t still experience painful emotions, it just means they are in their proper place…behind the assurance of God’s love and mercy. I struggle tremendously with keeping my focus on Jesus, and spending ample time in His Word, but I am going to keep trying. I want to build my life on what is real, not merely on what I feel.  

You're the one who conquers giants,

You're the one who calls out kings.

You shut the mouths of lions,

You tell the dead to breathe.

You're the one who walks through fire,

You take the orphan's hand.

You are the one Messiah.

You are "I Am," You are "I Am."

The veil is torn...

And now I live with the Spirit inside.

The same one, the very same one,

Who brought the Son back to life.

Hallelujah, He lives in me!

After staring at my computer for 2 hours and writing a total of 5 sentences, I came to the conclusion that giving you something half way interesting to read is just not going to happen tonight! So in lieu of blogging, I decided to share a video I just came across tonight that really hit home.  I'm so thankful that there is actually a song about infertility and longing to have a child, and that I found it. Anything that will raise awareness of this heartbreaking road that so many couples go down and offer reassurance that we are not alone in how we feel. ".... what I want most before my times is gone is to hear the words, "I love you, Mom."  I would die for that." The song is called "I would die for that" and it was written and sung by Kellie Coffey.  

Here is the link to the video in case you are not able to watch it here. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ  

Corey and I began actively trying to get pregnant in March 2011, about 7 months after we got married.  We were so excited when we found out in early November that we were pregnant with our first baby!  Everything seemed to be going well.  I had several normal early pregnancy symptoms, such as being more tired than usual and having some nausea and minimal spotting. Our 1st appointment was scheduled for December 23rd.  We were so excited to go to that appointment, have our first ultrasound and see our little angel for the first time!  And then we could hardly wait to tell our families the good news the next day of Christmas Eve!  After 6 long weeks of waiting, the day finally came for our appointment.  We were about to burst from anticipation.  We could hardly stand to keep our pregnancy a secret any longer. 

We could have never prepared ourselves for what was going to happen next. Our excitement quickly turned to shock and horror as the ultrasound tech turned and said to us with a tear in her eye..."I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat."  I will never forget those words.  I felt something I had never felt before.  My heart that was so full of joy a few moments before was shattered into a million pieces in an instant.  I began sobbing and shaking so intensely and all I could feel were Corey's arms around me, attempting to comfort me, but I could not be comforted.  We were given the option to wait a few days to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally or do a D&C surgery that day to remove the fetus from my womb.  We opted to wait as we didn't want me to have surgery if I didn't have to.  We went home that day and just layed on our couch holding each other and crying for hours.  We didn't know what else to do.  Later on called our families to tell them the awful news.  Unfortunately they weren't able to share in any of our joy, just our sorrow.  We pulled ourselves together the next day and decided to go to the Christmas Eve service at our church.  We thought it would be good to get some fresh air.  Although I felt numb as I sat it that service and heard the Christmas songs being sung and listened to the message being given, I couldn't help but also feel an overwhelming sense of God's love for me.  Even in the midst of one of the worst days of my life, I knew He was there and that He cared. After church, we were able to spend the evening with my family eating our traditional Christmas Eve meal, opening gifts and hanging out.  I was so thankful to be with them.  The ironic thing is that while Corey and I were mourning the loss of our unborn child who was still in my womb, my brother and his wife were celebrating the birth of their 2nd child who was born just 5 days before Christmas. As I held her, I felt so much love for her precious self, but so much hurt realizing that I will never get to cradle my baby in my arms.  After 3 more long days of waiting to miscarry with no signs that it was even near to happening, we decided to go ahead and have the d&c on December 27th.  We knew there could be no closure until this was done. The surgery and recovery went smooth. It was a relief to have it over.  We took a break from trying to get pregnant for a few months to give us time together to cope, pray and begin the healing process.

Once we were ready to start trying again, we tried for 6 months with no luck.  So, after moving to Arkansas, I did a fertility work-up with my new doctor that involved a lot of blood draws, ultrasounds,  etc. and she discovered that I had what was called a "luteal phase defect," which basically meant that my progesterone levels would not stay elevated like they were supposed to after ovulation. So in essence, when I would ovulate my progesterone would rise, but then would abruptly drop after a few days instead of staying elevated.  So, even if we did get pregnant, my body would not recognize the pregnancy and I would start my cycle.  We may have gotten pregnant and didn't even know it.  After this discovery, my doctor recommended that we start Clomid (which is a fertility drug), to help me ovulate regularly and then take progesterone pills after ovulation to help keep my levels where they were supposed to be. So, we started our first round of Clomid in October 2012.  So each month I took 2 Clomid pills a day on days 5-9 of my cycle.  Then, after ovulation I took one progesterone pill each night at bedtime.  These medications did cause some definite mood swings and night sweats.  But overall it was manageable. We found out in early March 2013 that we were pregnant!!  We were so happy and both really felt like this time was going to be different.  We were planning to tell our families much sooner this time. But before we had the chance, I began bleeding and we had our 2nd miscarriage at home when I was 6 weeks along.  It felt like we were on a cruel emotional roller coaster that would slowly take us up, up, up until we reached the peak of excitement, and then straight down 100 miles an hour into a pit of despair.  After trying for 2 years and losing 2 babies, I began to really struggle emotionally.  Corey has definitely been the stronger one throughout this journey, but we both agree that the 6 months following our 2nd miscarriage was the hardest time for us. Where do we go from here?  

We decided to switch doctors in September 2013.  That was a great decision!  My new doctor is very compassionate about what we are going through and also very determined to help us become parents.  His positive attitude and motivation has definitely encouraged us. I went through another series of tests when I switched to him. He discovered that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS.  This came as a surprise to him and to us because most women with PCOS are very obese, have bad acne, lots of extra facial hair, moderate depression etc. I just didn't fit the mold.  But, there was no doubt with my lab results being what they were. We also did an ultrasound and there were multiple cysts visible. My ovaries looked like they had clusters of grapes on them.  How could we have not known this before.  I did not handle this news very well and I viewed PCOS and just another obstacle, another thing wrong with me. I was also angry that no one discovered this sooner. But my husband, being the optimist that he is, saw this as great news.  He believed it was an answer to many unanswered questions. The underlying condition in PCOS is insulin resistance which causes increased blood sugar, which in turn causes many of your reproductive hormones to be out of whack, namely progesterone and testosterone.  That is why so many women with PCOS have a hard time getting pregnant and also have a much higher chance of miscarriage.  So for the past 3 months, I have been taking a diabetes drug called Metformin.  This is the most common treatment for PCOS as it helps to balance insulin and blood sugar which is turn should balance everything else out.  It has done wonders in how I feel, both physically and emotionally!  My doctor wanted me to be on it for a few months and then come back for a follow up ultrasound to see how it was working.  My follow-up ultrasound last month showed definite improvement!  There were still a few cysts on both sides, but it looked much better. That combined with how much better I feel are both great indications that we are moving in the right direction. He was very happy with the results and recommended that we go ahead and do another round of Clomid, while continuing to take the Metformin.  Now that my hormones are more balanced and my ovaries are able to work more effectively, the goal is that hopefully we will be able to not only become pregnant, but stay pregnant!  We are feeling very hopeful.  We started the Clomid last month.  I went in for a follicle ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle.  I ended up having SIX mature follicles!  The goal is 1-3.  I went from not even ovulating every month to 6 mature follicles.  That was very bittersweet news.  It meant that my body responded very well and that my ovaries were definitely working, but it also meant that we had to try not to get pregnant last month.  And when you are in our shoes, a month feels like an eternity. It is easy to feel as though there is always something tripping us up...but we are trying to stay positive and keep trusting in the Lord.  So here we are!  Because of my ovaries being over stimulated last month, we decided to not do Clomid this month. I will continue taking the Metformin so we can get a baseline as to what my body can do on its own now that the PCOS is seemingly under control.  We are going to have another follicle ultrasound in a week and hopefully we'll see at least one mature follicle, which would mean that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to without the help of fertility drugs.  

That is our story from the beginning of our infertility journey until now.  I wanted to tell the whole story before I went into what God is teaching me, and before I started attempting to educate and encourage others and just share my heart.  I don't want this trial to be in vain.  I want to share our struggles with hopes that something good will come out of it.  If our story can help even just one person who is enduring the awful pain of infertility or if I can help a family or friend have more understanding or compassion about what their loved one is going through, then my blog will be a success.  I know God has called me to use my love of writing to share my story.  Here's to a new chapter!  

I've been trying not to stress too much about what my first post on my new blog was going to be about. I mean after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?  So I decided on something that has really been on my heart lately; forgiveness. Forgiveness, (or the lack of), plays a huge role in our lives. Without God's forgiveness, we would have no hope.  Without forgiveness in our relationships with others, we would have no relationships. And without forgiveness of ourselves, we would be downright miserable. The word itself causes very mixed emotions inside of me.  When I hear it, immediately I think about Jesus dying on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins and I am overcome with gratitude and humility. I think of how unworthy I am and how unbelievable His grace is! But suddenly my mind wanders and my emotions make a 360 degree flip when I start to think about forgiving someone in my life who has caused me a great deal of pain.  I go straight from humility to pride.  My blood begins to boil with anger and my flesh cries out for justice. After all, I have a right to feel the way I do after what he or she has done! How can one word cause such a drastic response in two completely opposite directions?  

Thinking back on the past year and looking ahead to the new year, like most people, I have spent some time reflecting on what I could do differently, what patterns I want to change and what areas in my life need some work. That list is rather lengthy, but one thing in particular stands out. Unfortunately in the past year I have struggled tremendously with refusing to forgive. To be completely honest, I am really good and pretending to forgive, but not actually letting it go.  I like to make it appear on the outside as though I am doing what is right and offering grace, but on the inside anger and bitterness continue to multiply in my heart. I keep a mental tab of rude or upsetting things that have been said or done to me, so that when I need to defend myself in the future I have a whole arsenal of weapons to pull out.  And plus, the next time that person hurts me, I can remember all the things they have done in the past and that should help to justify why I feel the way I feel about them. That my friends is the ugly truth. I hope this transparency thing will get easier with time!  

Something really strange has happened in the past few months. I began to notice that every sermon I’ve heard or devotional I’ve read has had an underlying theme of forgiveness. And it seems like every song on the radio is about forgiveness.  And the people who I have been holding grudges against have seemed to come to my mind a lot more frequently.  And when I pray, I feel like God is farther away than usual.  And as much as I tried to ignore it, it finally hit me that maybe God is trying to get my attention.  And it is not until I stop and take a step back to really think about it that I see how hypocritical I can be.  I graciously accept God’s forgiveness, but disregard His command to forgive.  I fake forgiveness towards others, all the while forgetting that Jesus knows my heart. He sees right through the act. I try to justify the way I feel, but know deep down that those feelings are not based in truth, but rather in lies that the Devil feeds me.  As I was thinking about all of this, something occurred to me. I bet Satan loves when we refuse to forgive.  He loves when we buy into his lies about how we deserve justice and we are rightfully angry.  Satan loves sin, and refusing to forgive anyone under any circumstance is sinful.  It reeks of arrogance and pride.  There is an ongoing battle between good and evil raging inside of each of us.  Galatians 5:17 tells us that the flesh and the Spirit are in constant opposition to one another. I bet that is why the word forgiveness provokes such an odd response in me, because the Spirit was pointing to humility but my flesh was pointing to pride. When we give into sinful desires of the flesh such as anger, selfish ambition, bitterness and hate, our relationship with God suffers because sin separates us from God.  So it is no wonder that when I am struggling in those areas God seems far away and that I don’t sense His power in my life.  

To forgive like Jesus means to wipe the slate clean, to not keep a record of wrongs and to show grace. Jesus doesn’t just forgive certain offenses.  There are no exceptions or limitations to His mercy.  I don't think He will ever tell me there should be any conditions to my forgiveness either.  And not only does He call me to forgive, but also to take it a step further and to love and pray for the person who has offended of hurt me. Wow!  As if forgiving them wasn’t hard enough. I think part of the reason forgiveness by God's standards is so difficult is because it is unselfish. We humans by nature are very selfish.  I don't want to offer forgiveness until the words "I'm sorry" have been said and meant.  I don't want to forgive someone before I'm even asked. Sometimes we are rightfully hurt by things that are said or done to us. And often times the person who said or did them doesn’t really deserve forgiveness. But I think it helps if we humble ourselves and remember our own sinful human nature, mistakes and shortcomings. When we take a good look at our own hearts we are reminded that we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. I don’t deserve forgiveness either.  And quite frankly, neither do you. So how can we not give away what God has so mercifully given us?  When you truly forgive, you free yourself from the burden of bitterness you were carrying, and you free the other person from the obligation to repay you or make it right. You imitate Jesus. And anytime we do that, only good things can happen.  "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

I pray Lord Jesus that you'll help me to have a more forgiving heart in the days, weeks and years ahead.  I can't do this alone, so I ask that you empower me with your Spirit.  Amen.