Corey and I began actively trying to get pregnant in March 2011, about 7 months after we got married.  We were so excited when we found out in early November that we were pregnant with our first baby!  Everything seemed to be going well.  I had several normal early pregnancy symptoms, such as being more tired than usual and having some nausea and minimal spotting. Our 1st appointment was scheduled for December 23rd.  We were so excited to go to that appointment, have our first ultrasound and see our little angel for the first time!  And then we could hardly wait to tell our families the good news the next day of Christmas Eve!  After 6 long weeks of waiting, the day finally came for our appointment.  We were about to burst from anticipation.  We could hardly stand to keep our pregnancy a secret any longer. 

We could have never prepared ourselves for what was going to happen next. Our excitement quickly turned to shock and horror as the ultrasound tech turned and said to us with a tear in her eye..."I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat."  I will never forget those words.  I felt something I had never felt before.  My heart that was so full of joy a few moments before was shattered into a million pieces in an instant.  I began sobbing and shaking so intensely and all I could feel were Corey's arms around me, attempting to comfort me, but I could not be comforted.  We were given the option to wait a few days to see if the miscarriage would happen naturally or do a D&C surgery that day to remove the fetus from my womb.  We opted to wait as we didn't want me to have surgery if I didn't have to.  We went home that day and just layed on our couch holding each other and crying for hours.  We didn't know what else to do.  Later on called our families to tell them the awful news.  Unfortunately they weren't able to share in any of our joy, just our sorrow.  We pulled ourselves together the next day and decided to go to the Christmas Eve service at our church.  We thought it would be good to get some fresh air.  Although I felt numb as I sat it that service and heard the Christmas songs being sung and listened to the message being given, I couldn't help but also feel an overwhelming sense of God's love for me.  Even in the midst of one of the worst days of my life, I knew He was there and that He cared. After church, we were able to spend the evening with my family eating our traditional Christmas Eve meal, opening gifts and hanging out.  I was so thankful to be with them.  The ironic thing is that while Corey and I were mourning the loss of our unborn child who was still in my womb, my brother and his wife were celebrating the birth of their 2nd child who was born just 5 days before Christmas. As I held her, I felt so much love for her precious self, but so much hurt realizing that I will never get to cradle my baby in my arms.  After 3 more long days of waiting to miscarry with no signs that it was even near to happening, we decided to go ahead and have the d&c on December 27th.  We knew there could be no closure until this was done. The surgery and recovery went smooth. It was a relief to have it over.  We took a break from trying to get pregnant for a few months to give us time together to cope, pray and begin the healing process.

Once we were ready to start trying again, we tried for 6 months with no luck.  So, after moving to Arkansas, I did a fertility work-up with my new doctor that involved a lot of blood draws, ultrasounds,  etc. and she discovered that I had what was called a "luteal phase defect," which basically meant that my progesterone levels would not stay elevated like they were supposed to after ovulation. So in essence, when I would ovulate my progesterone would rise, but then would abruptly drop after a few days instead of staying elevated.  So, even if we did get pregnant, my body would not recognize the pregnancy and I would start my cycle.  We may have gotten pregnant and didn't even know it.  After this discovery, my doctor recommended that we start Clomid (which is a fertility drug), to help me ovulate regularly and then take progesterone pills after ovulation to help keep my levels where they were supposed to be. So, we started our first round of Clomid in October 2012.  So each month I took 2 Clomid pills a day on days 5-9 of my cycle.  Then, after ovulation I took one progesterone pill each night at bedtime.  These medications did cause some definite mood swings and night sweats.  But overall it was manageable. We found out in early March 2013 that we were pregnant!!  We were so happy and both really felt like this time was going to be different.  We were planning to tell our families much sooner this time. But before we had the chance, I began bleeding and we had our 2nd miscarriage at home when I was 6 weeks along.  It felt like we were on a cruel emotional roller coaster that would slowly take us up, up, up until we reached the peak of excitement, and then straight down 100 miles an hour into a pit of despair.  After trying for 2 years and losing 2 babies, I began to really struggle emotionally.  Corey has definitely been the stronger one throughout this journey, but we both agree that the 6 months following our 2nd miscarriage was the hardest time for us. Where do we go from here?  

We decided to switch doctors in September 2013.  That was a great decision!  My new doctor is very compassionate about what we are going through and also very determined to help us become parents.  His positive attitude and motivation has definitely encouraged us. I went through another series of tests when I switched to him. He discovered that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS.  This came as a surprise to him and to us because most women with PCOS are very obese, have bad acne, lots of extra facial hair, moderate depression etc. I just didn't fit the mold.  But, there was no doubt with my lab results being what they were. We also did an ultrasound and there were multiple cysts visible. My ovaries looked like they had clusters of grapes on them.  How could we have not known this before.  I did not handle this news very well and I viewed PCOS and just another obstacle, another thing wrong with me. I was also angry that no one discovered this sooner. But my husband, being the optimist that he is, saw this as great news.  He believed it was an answer to many unanswered questions. The underlying condition in PCOS is insulin resistance which causes increased blood sugar, which in turn causes many of your reproductive hormones to be out of whack, namely progesterone and testosterone.  That is why so many women with PCOS have a hard time getting pregnant and also have a much higher chance of miscarriage.  So for the past 3 months, I have been taking a diabetes drug called Metformin.  This is the most common treatment for PCOS as it helps to balance insulin and blood sugar which is turn should balance everything else out.  It has done wonders in how I feel, both physically and emotionally!  My doctor wanted me to be on it for a few months and then come back for a follow up ultrasound to see how it was working.  My follow-up ultrasound last month showed definite improvement!  There were still a few cysts on both sides, but it looked much better. That combined with how much better I feel are both great indications that we are moving in the right direction. He was very happy with the results and recommended that we go ahead and do another round of Clomid, while continuing to take the Metformin.  Now that my hormones are more balanced and my ovaries are able to work more effectively, the goal is that hopefully we will be able to not only become pregnant, but stay pregnant!  We are feeling very hopeful.  We started the Clomid last month.  I went in for a follicle ultrasound on day 14 of my cycle.  I ended up having SIX mature follicles!  The goal is 1-3.  I went from not even ovulating every month to 6 mature follicles.  That was very bittersweet news.  It meant that my body responded very well and that my ovaries were definitely working, but it also meant that we had to try not to get pregnant last month.  And when you are in our shoes, a month feels like an eternity. It is easy to feel as though there is always something tripping us up...but we are trying to stay positive and keep trusting in the Lord.  So here we are!  Because of my ovaries being over stimulated last month, we decided to not do Clomid this month. I will continue taking the Metformin so we can get a baseline as to what my body can do on its own now that the PCOS is seemingly under control.  We are going to have another follicle ultrasound in a week and hopefully we'll see at least one mature follicle, which would mean that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to without the help of fertility drugs.  

That is our story from the beginning of our infertility journey until now.  I wanted to tell the whole story before I went into what God is teaching me, and before I started attempting to educate and encourage others and just share my heart.  I don't want this trial to be in vain.  I want to share our struggles with hopes that something good will come out of it.  If our story can help even just one person who is enduring the awful pain of infertility or if I can help a family or friend have more understanding or compassion about what their loved one is going through, then my blog will be a success.  I know God has called me to use my love of writing to share my story.  Here's to a new chapter!