I love music!  And by love, I mean really, truly love.  It has always been a big part of my life.  My Dad owns a music store, and I spent a lot of time there while I was growing up. The store was only a few blocks from my grade school and I remember often walking over there after school to hang out.  If business was slow, Dad and I would sit down at the piano together.  He would play and I would sing.  Let me tell you, my Dad is awesome on the piano and I always loved sitting next to him, admiring his talent and singing my little heart out.  Some of our favorites were “The wind beneath my wings” by Bette Midler, “I believe” by Blessed Union of Souls, and “Memory” from the Broadway musical Cats. Interesting collection, I know.  But it makes me smile to think about it!  And I have not stopped singing since.  I was always heavily involved in the music programs at my middle school and high school.  I have had the privilege to sing at several weddings of friends and family members and the funerals of loved ones.  I lived in Nashville for a year where I was literally surrounded by music all the time!  And currently I have the privilege to be a part of the worship team at my church.  

I've realized that music is more than just a hobby and an interest for me.  God actually uses my love for music as a tool in my relationship with Him.  He utilizes different songs at different times in my life to speak to me.  Maybe because He knows I will actually listen that way.  When I pray, I tend to spend a lot of time talking and hardly any time being silent and listening.  But when it comes to a song, I’m really paying attention to what it is saying and so many times I can completely relate to the lyrics & I often get very emotional. I know that is God.  Several months ago I was out running some errands and the song “You are I Am” by Mercy Me came on the radio.  I remember being in a particularly grumpy mood that day.  I was sick and tired of this trial I was going through.  I kept worrying about what I would have to endure next and I had began to doubt that I would ever even have a baby.  Maybe I should just give up hope, I thought.  It hurts too much to keep being disappointed month after month.  I remember feeling completely abandoned by God.  Does He even hear my prayers? If He really loved me, why would He give me such a strong desire to be a mother but not fulfill it?  What good has it done for Corey and I to spend the past 3 years praying, trusting and waiting on the Lord?  We should have just taken matters into our own hands and been more aggressive in our fertility treatments.  We could have done IVF a year ago and we might just have a baby now.  Then the words of the song playing in the background broke in….

I've been the one to shake with fear,

And wonder if You're even here.

I've been the one to doubt Your love.

I've told myself You're not enough.

I've been the one to try and say,

I'll overcome by my own strength.

I've been the one to fall apart,

And start to question who You are.

I've been the one held down in chains,

Beneath the weight of all my shame.

I've been the one to believe,

That where I am You cannot reach.

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started sobbing.  With that song at that moment, God showed me the true state of my heart.  I was shaking in fear, I was doubting His love, I was falling apart and I was definitely held down in chains of self pity.  Without realizing it, I had let my sadness and frustration over our situation turn to anger and bitterness. And as bitterness took root in my heart and began to spread, I slowly felt more and more disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, everyone. I didn't really even recognize myself anymore. I had built up a wall around my heart and pushed everyone away. It was a very lonely place.  I had become very self absorbed, telling myself that I deserve better and that this just isn’t fair.  I had never felt so broken.  Where do I go from here I wondered?  

On a daily basis I am faced with 2 choices.  I can either listen to myself and my constantly changing, very unreliable feelings about my circumstances or I can talk to myself about the unchanging truth of who God is and what He has accomplished for me on the cross.  I’m so thankful The Lord helped me stop listening to myself in that moment in my car.  I knew I needed to start talking to myself again.  After all, the truth is that God has gone to far greater lengths to make me His child then I will ever go to in the pursuit of growing my own family.  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  He will never leave or forsake me. He did not turn His back on me, I turned my back on Him. He is the one and only true God. These things I know because His Word says so.  When I start repeating these truths over and over in my mind, peace begins to overpower doubt, worries begin to fade away and bitterness melts to contentment.  It is quite amazing the transformation that occurs when you talk to yourself rather than listen to yourself. That doesn’t mean I don’t still experience painful emotions, it just means they are in their proper place…behind the assurance of God’s love and mercy. I struggle tremendously with keeping my focus on Jesus, and spending ample time in His Word, but I am going to keep trying. I want to build my life on what is real, not merely on what I feel.  

You're the one who conquers giants,

You're the one who calls out kings.

You shut the mouths of lions,

You tell the dead to breathe.

You're the one who walks through fire,

You take the orphan's hand.

You are the one Messiah.

You are "I Am," You are "I Am."

The veil is torn...

And now I live with the Spirit inside.

The same one, the very same one,

Who brought the Son back to life.

Hallelujah, He lives in me!