A few weeks ago I was doing some brainstorming about possible future blog posts. I was praying about what God wanted me to share, and a really cool idea came to me! I got to thinking about how I have several women in my life who have gone through infertility, and each of them has blessed me so much with their insight, encouragement and most importantly-- their faith. So why not ask some of these friends if they would be willing to let me interview them for my blog?? I mean they are so much wiser than I, and what they have to share is so very powerful. Thankfully, the 3 that I asked all said yes! These women have all been through so much and have chosen to grow in their faith through the heartbreak. And each of them now have the advantage of being able to see God's plan come full circle with the blessing of the children He has given them. I hope you are as touched by their hearts and stories as I have been! I am going to break this up into a 3 part series, so my next 3 posts will be dedicated to these interviews.

Todays interview is with Meredith. She is a pediatrician here in NW Arkansas who I have had the pleasure of working with and getting to know over the past few years! I admire her so much both personally and professionally.

First please give a brief history of your infertility journey such as how long you tried, surgeries/procedures you went through, medications, miscarriages, etc.

Justin and I dated for 8 years prior to getting married and have been married for 15 1/2 years. We started trying to have children after we had been married for 4-5 years- in my last year of medical school. We had previously been on birth control. What a waste of money After 18 months of trying, I asked my doctor for some help. He had 8 children and wasn't really helpful. He put me on Clomid at varying doses and did nothing else to work us up or help us for 1-2 years. We then changed to another physician at UAMS who did labs, ultrasounds, counts, etc. to see if he could find the cause of our infertility. No luck. He had me on Clomid at higher doses for an additional 6 months before sending us to Arkansas Fertility and Gynecology. They did more work up in preparation for IUI. During my hysterosalpingogram, he found some polyps in my uterus. I underwent a procedure to remove them. Afterwards, while taking Clomid and waiting for our round of IUI to get started, we became pregnant with our oldest. This first process took right at 5 years.

After we had our oldest, our OB recommended no birth control, just breastfeed for contraception and see what happened. When she was 18 months old, we started trying again. We went back to the dose of Clomid that worked before. No luck. We then started a series of injections, scheduled intercourse, more lab work, two exploratory surgeries, another procedure to remove more polyps all without success. We then started IUI and completed 6 rounds of it without success. In October 2011, I had another exploratory procedure that again, didn't show much of anything. In November 2011, we started preparing for our first round of in vitro. Sparing some details, this procedure was not completed appropriately and it failed. They repeated the procedure 5 months later and the twins were born at 37 weeks.

1) What 3 words or emotions best describe your experience with infertility?

1) all-consuming: your thoughts, your body, your money, your time, your sex life, your prayer time, your marriage- infertility takes a bit of everything. 2) lonely- even if you open up about it, infertility is a painfully lonely, slow moving process. 3) a trial- James says in ch. 1 vs 2-4 says we should consider is ALL JOY whenever we face various trials. Infertility is an opportunity to rely on and learn from God in new ways and maybe in ways that others will never experience who haven't walked through it. This is hard. Ask God for help in being obedient by seeking JOY in your trial.

2) What is the most important thing God taught you during that incredibly difficult season in your life?

God taught me about His sovereignty. He IS. Period. He doesn't need my help or my opinion though he allows us to be completely enveloped in Him no matter what is going on in our lives. He alone required ALL worship- our time, our emotion, our trust, our thoughts- all of it. He is a jealous God who will not allow His praise to be wasted on the altar of any idol including that of infertility. (See Ezekiel 8 and look up who the women are crying over). Because He is sovereign, He has allowed this in your life. Look through the Bible- there is no doubt that God uses barrenness. That is a hard pill to swallow at times, but God was very kind to me and showed me all of the women that he allowed to go through infertility in scripture. Mighty acts of His purpose for His glory were accomplished in these situations (think of John the Baptist and Samuel) and these women were never forgotten by Him. In His sovereignty He also cursed motherhood. What He taught me about the fall is that Eve's curse extended well beyond the physical act of having a child- the loss of a child whether during pregnancy or after, the unfulfilled desire to have a baby, chronic or deadly illness in a child, the hardship of an estranged relationship with an older adult child and a rebellious teenager all are strains on "childbearing". But God gives grace and where is He most likely to give it but at that point which He has afflicted this world most deeply. This also reminds me to give grace. I may be jealous of the woman that easily got pregnant with 4 kids- but I don't know the hurt she experienced when she chose to abort a previous pregnancy, or the two miscarriages she never talks about, or the one of her children with mental illness, or the adult child who hasn't spoken to her in years. I have found that when you are struggling with something, it feels like the worst and only hurt in the world. We have to ask God to let us look outside of ourselves and see the hurting world around us. For me- that was the only way we have dealt with infertility.

3) What advice/encouragement you can give to women who are currently struggling with infertility?

1. Find your identity in Christ alone. You are His and He bought you and made you to glorify Him. Our identity comes from serving Him as Christ and Lord. He is the One that tells us to whom that service will be and what it looks like.

2. Give others grace. When something is so deeply painful like infertility, it is pretty easy to be hard on those who ask you about it--or don't! It is easy to take almost anything anyone says to you personally. Most people don't start out their day planning on wounding you again--sometimes they really don't know what else to say. And for me, there were days when it wouldn't have mattered what people said, it wouldn't have been right. That's not to say you can't guard your heart. You can avoid Mother's Day or baby showers on tough days and even restricting conversations with some who just always set off a nerve. But, taking every comment as a stab to your soul builds anger and resentment and which only hurts you. Ask Christ to redeem those comments--show you how to be sensitive and not unknowingly hurt others but give others grace.

Thank you so much, Meredith! You are awesome! I appreciate you opening up about some of the deepest and most private areas of your life and sharing it all with us. Everything you say points to the Lord... and I have no doubt He is being glorified!

Hey y'all!!  (My Mom would die!!)  She just finished giving me an extensive grammar refresher a few days ago, at my request.  She is a teacher and her specialties are english and writing.  She is SO good at what she does!  Mom, I promise I know that "y'all" is not proper grammar, but it is just so fun to say--so for that reason, I do let it slide once in a while.  :) If that is the worst thing that comes from me living in the South, I think we'll be doing pretty good!  At least I'm not flying the confederate flag in my front yard....yet.  You and I both know that I will always be a Nebraska girl at heart!

Speaking of my Mom--she and I are alike in a lot of ways!  One of those ways is that we both have a tendency to lay in bed with all kinds of thoughts running through our heads when we should be sleeping.  Tonight was one of those nights, and when it became apparent that I would not be falling asleep anytime soon, I decided to get up and come give my lovely blog readers and update!

Back on Jan. 29th, I wrote a post which stated how Corey and I were praying for wisdom about upcoming decisions that we needed to make.  We ended up deciding to do a lower dose of Clomid, and also do our 1st IUI procedure!  We both felt confident that those were the right decisions.  I love when we are on the same page!!! I took the Clomid on days 5-9 of my cycle, as usual.  Then, on day 14 of my cycle, I had a ultrasound of my ovaries to see how many follicles I had developing.  Just to remind you, last month we had zero and the month before we had six mature follicles.  The goal is to have between 1-3 follicles measuring between 10-22mm.  We were very excited this month when my ultrasound showed 2 mature follicles--one on each side!  One measured 18mm and the other measured 20mm.  Woo Hoo!! That night Corey had to gave me what they call a "trigger shot" of HCG.  The goal of that is to help trigger ovulation about 36-40 hours after it is given. I was quite nervous about him giving me the shot because being a dentist, he only gives shots in the mouth...not in the rear. Totally different ball game if you ask me.  After about 15 minutes of panic and him beginning to lose patience with me, I finally mustered up the courage to let him do it.  He did a good job and I survived! So 36 hours later, (Sunday morning at 8 a.m.), we arrived at the doctor's office. After the sperm was washed, it was placed in syringe with a long, skinny catheter on it.  The doctor threaded the catheter through my cervix and into my uterus where he injected the sperm.  It was very quick and virtually painless!  The whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds.  He then elevated the bottom of the bed so my hips were propped up and I layed there for about 30 minutes.  Corey was right next to me the whole time.  The next day I began taking progesterone twice daily, just like I do every other month after I ovulate.  I will take that until I either A) reach 14 weeks of pregnancy, or B) start my period, which would confirm that I'm not pregnant.

So now we are right in the middle of the hardest part...the waiting.  The "we could possibly be pregnant but we're trying not to get our hopes up too much" phase.  Luckily we have kept pretty busy and somewhat distracted, although it is almost always in the back of our minds.  But the first week has gone by relatively quickly.  We know and trust that everything is truly in God's hands!  Whether of not Corey's sperm fertilize either of my eggs and then implant safely into my uterus is completely according to His will.  He is the Creator of life and we believe in His infinite power and ability to answer our prayers.  Those answers may not come when or how we imagined, but we continue to seek after Him in obedience and love, knowing He only desires what is best for us.

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately....

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8

I need to just keep repeating this verse over and over in my head multiple times a day. I love the thought of having my heart and mind guarded by the peace of God, rather than my heart and mind being constantly attacked by fear or anxiety.  Only by His grace.

There is one last thing I want to say before I crawl back into bed. Several of our family members and friends have been an incredible source of support and encouragement--and I cannot tell you how very grateful we are.  Thanks for being there for us on this crazy journey! And for those of you who don't know us well or at all, but are still praying for us-- thank you!!  I appreciate every single one of those prayers.  I sincerely hope that somehow, someday, we can bless each one of you in some way!

As you know, my blog is focused mainly on my infertility journey, but I'd like to start sharing more about myself, my day-to-day life, things I love and random things I'm thinking about or doing. I believe doing this will be a great reminder that infertility does not define me, and will also help me enjoy and appreciate the other "stuff" in my life.  

Allow me to tell you about my newest thing: loose leaf tea!  I've been a big fan of coffee for a while now, but lately I've found myself on a tea kick.  Sometimes you just need a little change, I guess. Plus, I have been hearing more and more about the benefits of drinking tea. Black, white, green and oolong teas contain antioxidants called flavonoids, which fight naughty little things called free radicals and they are believed to reduce the risk of cancer, heart disease and alzheimer's (all of which I have a strong family history).  

Up to this point I've mostly been using store bought tea bags to make my tea.  I quickly got bored with that. So today I decided to go to this adorable little tea shop called Savoy Tea Co.  I had been there once before with a friend to get an iced tea and chat, and have been wanting to go back ever since! When I meandered in there this morning, the sweetest lady helped me by explaining all the different teas and the options for steeping them. I literally spent 15 minutes just smelling the various blends of tea.  Talk about aromatherapy!  I ended up with a nice little variety of sample packs, as well as an ez-brew tea maker.  You just add 1 tsp of loose leaf tea and 8oz. of steaming hot water. After letting it sit and steep for the recommended amount of time, you set it on top of your cup and let it drain down into it. Pretty cool, huh?  

I'm currently sipping on my first cup of home brewed loose leaf tea! Mmmmm, so good!  I see many more cups of this healthy, delicious stuff in my future.  

My Bible study group is currently going through a Beth Moore series called “Breaking Free.”  We are only on week 3, but wow!  It is already proving to be an amazing & life changing study. God is definitely working in my heart and opening my eyes to areas and captivity in my life.  Did you know you could be a Christian and a captive at the same time? Many people (including myself) accept God’s free gift of salvation but don’t experience the abundant life He has planned for them.  He sets us free, but we continue to choose a life of chains.  It is a very sad reality, but one that I know can be changed by God’s grace.  I’m nervous and excited for whats ahead!  

One of the homework assignments in my Breaking Free workbook this week was titled “The Obstacle of Idolatry.”  As I began to read through the Scripture passages & Beth’s teaching, I learned that our Lord creates every one of us with a God shaped void in our hearts so that we will seek Him.  Trying to satisfy that void and our deepest needs with anything or anyone but God is idolatry.  I was struck with a very harsh reality a few months ago.  Corey and I got into a fight one night and he said to me, “Will anything other than a baby be able to truly make you happy?”  OUCH!! But it was a valid question. I sat there in silence unable to respond and there was no denying…. I had made having a baby an idol in my life. Sounds harsh doesn’t it?  I always pictured an idol as a statue or image that you bow down to and worship, but the truth is, anything we put in the place where God belongs is an idol.  I never imagined something as innocent as desiring to be a Mom could be so wrong.  And I don’t think the desire itself is wrong, in fact I think it is God-given. But at some point along the way I removed God from his rightful place on the throne of my heart and replaced Him with the baby I longed for.  I stopped seeking after Him and His will for my life and began seeking after my will for my life and anything that would increase my chances of making this dream of motherhood a reality.  My whole world revolved around it. He no longer filled that void in my heart.  I attempted to fill it with all of this determination to become a mother. And every area of my life began to suffer: my marriage, my friendships, my relationship with God, my health, my work, all of it.   

It did not take long to realize that it would be very hard for me to lay down this idol.  It has been painful trying to loosen the death grip I’ve had on trying to make this dream of mine come true.  But God in His goodness has helped me to see past where I currently am and to understand that even if He does bless me with children at some point down the road, there will always be something else I am desiring, something else threatening to take His place in my heart. By His grace, I am back to the place where my true satisfaction and happiness is in Christ alone.  I am so grateful that He convicted me, so that I could be set free!!  Is there an idol in your life that should not be there?  Nothing in this world…. not your career, an addiction, a dream come true, a cure, another human being or anything else can fill the God-shaped void in your heart.  There is nothing like the joy and contentment that comes from knowing Christ, humbling yourself in worship of Him and letting Him reign over your life!  Not even a baby.  I continue to hope and pray that The Lord will bless Corey and I by allowing us to become parents one day.  What has changed is that my desire for motherhood is back where it belongs, below God and according to His will... not mine.  And that makes all the difference!

Hello and happy Sunday!  I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Corey and I spent the whole day yesterday in our pajamas…. and it was awesome!  We slept in, watched HGTV, watched college basketball, ordered pizza, watched a movie and then went to bed. Slightly embarrassing, but true.  I haven’t always been able to relax that well, but I’m definitely realizing the value of days like that every now and then.  After we got home from church today I decided, what better to do this gloomy afternoon than get cozy and do some blogging? At least I'll be slightly productive, even though I'm back in my pj's :) 

I want to give you some things to consider.  As difficult as it is to cope with infertility, our well meaning friends and loved ones can sometimes make it even more challenging. People who haven’t walked in our shoes have no idea the depths to which we grieve and experience anger and hopelessness. Their comments and behaviors can seem insensitive, rude or clueless. But I do not believe most of the scenarios that bring me pain are premeditated or spiteful.  It is easy to feel like people are out to hurt me, when in fact most people are either unaware of my sorrow or honestly wanting to say and do the “right” things.  I have to remind myself that the outside perspective of those who have never lived through this trial is one of innocence and that my own perceptions were also much different before I walked this road.  That is why today I want to take some time to give you well meaning people on the outside of the world of infertility a look inside. I hope that sharing some of my thoughts and perspectives will help you when dealing with people in your life who are struggling with infertility, miscarriage or failed adoption.  How are you supposed to know how we feel, what we need and what upsets us if no one ever tells you?  My whole goal for doing this blog is to increase awareness and education about infertility as well as prayer and compassion for those in the midst of it.  

1. Don’t minimize the problem. Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and ‘costs’: physical, financial, emotional, marital and spiritual. Do not attempt to deny of minimize our struggle by either avoiding the topic or offering empty remarks such as “just relax,” “everything will be fine,” or “it could be worse."
2. Know that we are constantly hurting. I know this may sound a little bit drastic, but it is true! There are multiple things everyday the average person wouldn’t even think of that remind us what we don’t have…such as walking through a store and seeing cute baby clothes, browsing through the news feed on Facebook, being surrounded by ever growing families at church, at work and within our own families and groups of friends, not to mention that empty room in our house just waiting to be filled.  
3. Pray for us. I have heard it said that laughter is the best medicine, but I truly think prayer is the best medicine.  Nothing brings me more comfort and healing than going to The Lord in prayer and knowing others are lifting up prayers on our behalf.   
4. Do not complain about your pregnancy or children to us.  I cannot emphasize this enough!!!  I am not oblivious to the fact that pregnancy and parenthood can be very difficult, exhausting, etc., and you have every right to vent about it…. but not to a person struggling with infertility. We should ever be expected to empathize with you or provide comfort when we would give anything to have the morning sickness or the ornery child you are complaining about.  I think most couples who are infertile would trade your worst day with children for our best day without children.  
5. Remember us on especially difficult days, such as Mother’s day, Father’s day and Christmas.  It is one thing to realize "it's been awhile" since we started trying to have a baby, but it is another thing to think of all the birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s Days and Father’s Days that are passing by.  For the baby or babies you have lost, there is the day you found out you were pregnant, the child’s due date and day you lost the baby.  All of these holidays and anniversaries mark the passing of years with unfulfilled hopes and expectations.  And as heartbreaking as these days are for us, knowing we aren’t grieving alone is incredibly comforting.  
6. Don’t avoid us.  I know it can be awkward to be around us at times.  Our situation can make things uncomfortable and sometimes you may find it difficult to know what to say. But please continue to invite and include us. And if we do not feel up to coming, we will decline…. but at least we won’t feel left out.  And if you don’t know what to say just tell us that, and ask what you could say or do that would be helpful.  I recommend something like “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you and I care.  Let me know if there is anything I can do."
7. Do not give us advice on how to get pregnant.  Trust me, we have heard it all, read it all, and probably tried it all. We are seeing a medical doctor who is fully equipped with all of the latest research and information.  He will guide us based on our unique situation. There are many underlying causes of infertility and even though so and so got pregnant doing this or that, you probably don’t know all the details of her situation or ours.  
8. Any acts of kindness that let us know you care are appreciated more than you know (cards, phone calls, emails, texts, etc.)
9. Feel free to ask questions about infertility medications and procedures we are doing or have done if you are curious and want to learn more.  We are happy to share our knowledge and experience with you!!