Hello and happy Sunday!  I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Corey and I spent the whole day yesterday in our pajamas…. and it was awesome!  We slept in, watched HGTV, watched college basketball, ordered pizza, watched a movie and then went to bed. Slightly embarrassing, but true.  I haven’t always been able to relax that well, but I’m definitely realizing the value of days like that every now and then.  After we got home from church today I decided, what better to do this gloomy afternoon than get cozy and do some blogging? At least I'll be slightly productive, even though I'm back in my pj's :) 

I want to give you some things to consider.  As difficult as it is to cope with infertility, our well meaning friends and loved ones can sometimes make it even more challenging. People who haven’t walked in our shoes have no idea the depths to which we grieve and experience anger and hopelessness. Their comments and behaviors can seem insensitive, rude or clueless. But I do not believe most of the scenarios that bring me pain are premeditated or spiteful.  It is easy to feel like people are out to hurt me, when in fact most people are either unaware of my sorrow or honestly wanting to say and do the “right” things.  I have to remind myself that the outside perspective of those who have never lived through this trial is one of innocence and that my own perceptions were also much different before I walked this road.  That is why today I want to take some time to give you well meaning people on the outside of the world of infertility a look inside. I hope that sharing some of my thoughts and perspectives will help you when dealing with people in your life who are struggling with infertility, miscarriage or failed adoption.  How are you supposed to know how we feel, what we need and what upsets us if no one ever tells you?  My whole goal for doing this blog is to increase awareness and education about infertility as well as prayer and compassion for those in the midst of it.  

1. Don’t minimize the problem. Acknowledge infertility as a medical and emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments and ‘costs’: physical, financial, emotional, marital and spiritual. Do not attempt to deny of minimize our struggle by either avoiding the topic or offering empty remarks such as “just relax,” “everything will be fine,” or “it could be worse."
2. Know that we are constantly hurting. I know this may sound a little bit drastic, but it is true! There are multiple things everyday the average person wouldn’t even think of that remind us what we don’t have…such as walking through a store and seeing cute baby clothes, browsing through the news feed on Facebook, being surrounded by ever growing families at church, at work and within our own families and groups of friends, not to mention that empty room in our house just waiting to be filled.  
3. Pray for us. I have heard it said that laughter is the best medicine, but I truly think prayer is the best medicine.  Nothing brings me more comfort and healing than going to The Lord in prayer and knowing others are lifting up prayers on our behalf.   
4. Do not complain about your pregnancy or children to us.  I cannot emphasize this enough!!!  I am not oblivious to the fact that pregnancy and parenthood can be very difficult, exhausting, etc., and you have every right to vent about it…. but not to a person struggling with infertility. We should ever be expected to empathize with you or provide comfort when we would give anything to have the morning sickness or the ornery child you are complaining about.  I think most couples who are infertile would trade your worst day with children for our best day without children.  
5. Remember us on especially difficult days, such as Mother’s day, Father’s day and Christmas.  It is one thing to realize "it's been awhile" since we started trying to have a baby, but it is another thing to think of all the birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s Days and Father’s Days that are passing by.  For the baby or babies you have lost, there is the day you found out you were pregnant, the child’s due date and day you lost the baby.  All of these holidays and anniversaries mark the passing of years with unfulfilled hopes and expectations.  And as heartbreaking as these days are for us, knowing we aren’t grieving alone is incredibly comforting.  
6. Don’t avoid us.  I know it can be awkward to be around us at times.  Our situation can make things uncomfortable and sometimes you may find it difficult to know what to say. But please continue to invite and include us. And if we do not feel up to coming, we will decline…. but at least we won’t feel left out.  And if you don’t know what to say just tell us that, and ask what you could say or do that would be helpful.  I recommend something like “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you and I care.  Let me know if there is anything I can do."
7. Do not give us advice on how to get pregnant.  Trust me, we have heard it all, read it all, and probably tried it all. We are seeing a medical doctor who is fully equipped with all of the latest research and information.  He will guide us based on our unique situation. There are many underlying causes of infertility and even though so and so got pregnant doing this or that, you probably don’t know all the details of her situation or ours.  
8. Any acts of kindness that let us know you care are appreciated more than you know (cards, phone calls, emails, texts, etc.)
9. Feel free to ask questions about infertility medications and procedures we are doing or have done if you are curious and want to learn more.  We are happy to share our knowledge and experience with you!!