I was getting ready for church one Sunday morning a few weeks back and I remembered that we were going to be starting the book of Philippians that day. One of my goals is to get better at taking notes in church, so I grabbed what I thought was an empty notebook off the bookshelf to write in during the sermon.  I always seem to remember things better if I write them down.  As I was sitting there waiting for the service to begin, I flipped through the entire notebook-- wondering if Corey or I had ever used it before.  Much to my surprise, I came across this page that I had written on the day we found out we were pregnant for the 2nd time on March 16, 2012!  After reading it, I sat there with tears running down my face, absolutely overcome with emotion.  

Talk about pure joy!  But just 9 days after I wrote these words, we experienced our second miscarriage... exactly one year ago today.  I will never forget the way I felt that day.  The physical cramping and bleeding were nothing compared to the intense pain ripping through my heart. It literally felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife.  I cried for days. We really felt like this time was going to be different...but there we were, back in the same miserable boat.  That night, somehow, in the midst of my sorrow-- I wrote these words and posted them in a note on Facebook. 

The hurt and the Healer

March 25, 2013 at 11:23pm

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I have found that in times of great emotion, both good and bad, the best thing for me to do is sit down and write.  Today is one of those emotional days.  There is a lot on my heart that I want to share. 

Two years ago, in March 2011, Corey and I decided we were ready to be parents and anxious to start our family, so we began actively trying to get pregnant.  After 7 months, we were successful. But much to our dismay, during our 1st ultrasound we discovered that our little angel had no heartbeat. We lost our precious baby at 10 weeks.  I had a d&c surgery two days before Christmas. It was a very painful time for us.  I remember feeling shocked and heartbroken. But God is good, and He gave us healing and the strength to move on and trust in Him.  Little did we know, it would take us a year and 4 months to get pregnant again.  It has been very hard waiting and feeling the disappointment building as each month passed.  We prayed together every night for patience and guidance, and for His will to be done.  We prayed that He would bless us with a baby once again.  And He did.  We were extremely excited to find out earlier this month that we were expecting.  We felt that this time it would be different.  Everything seemed to be going well. But last night I began feeling like something was wrong, and this morning we had a miscarriage.  We are trying to cope as we go once again from the high of utter joy and excitement to the low of losing our 2nd baby, just like that.  My heart aches.  The tears just keep coming. We don't understand why.

This has been one of the most difficult trials Corey or I have ever endured.  We never imagined it would be this long or this hard.  But as I look back, I realize that God has taught me a lot during this time of waiting and longing.  He has taught me that my will is not always His will, but that His will is always the best option…even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time.  He has taught me to focus on what I do have, (such as a great marriage, good health, salvation, and friends & family in Christ who build me up and encourage me on this journey of life,) rather than what I don’t have.  He has taught me the power of prayer and the importance of walking daily with Him in obedience.  And most recently He has taught me that as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will always have peace in my heart, no matter what I am going through.  Although my heart is broken, I am at peace.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.  I know He will again pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how many women in the Bible struggled with infertility.  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth to name a few. Every one of them, though barren for many years was eventually given a child.  God is faithful.  When I pray for children, not only do I know that He can, but I believe that He will answer my prayer.  He created me with such a strong desire to be a mother and I believe He will give me the greatest desire of my heart in His perfect timing. 

If anyone reading this is struggling with your own trial or sorrow, my prayer is that you will draw near to Him rather then fall away.  I know from personal experience that it would be much easier to just be mad and bitter.  But He is the great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him.  Every kind of pain we feel, He has felt it.  Jesus is a Savior who can sympathize with us. 

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for and encouraging us. We ask that you will continue to do so as we move forward.  We are blessed beyond measure by the wonderful people in our lives. We really appreciate the love you show us.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”  1Peter 1:3-9

“I have told you all this so that in me you may have peace. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

In Him,

Chelsey

So here I am, another year later.  Although I have not been pregnant again and my heart is hurting-- I still strongly agree with every word I wrote, both before and after my last miscarriage. God is good. He has the most amazing things planned for us, in His time.  All glory and honor and power belongs to Him alone.  He is faithful.   My will is not always His will, but His will is always the best option. As long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will have peace in my heart.  He is the Great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him.  

Maybe someday Corey and I will be able to look back and see what God was doing all this time.  I don't know.  

What I do know is that I can't wait to meet my Savior and my sweet babies in Heaven...someday. 

I've been loving the sunshine and warmer weather we have been experiencing the past few days, so to get ready for Spring and the sandal weather that I am hoping is right around the corner... I decided to give myself a pedicure this afternoon!  I really do love going to a nail salon to get a pedicure.  I mean chatting with a girlfriend while sipping on an iced latte and letting the massage chair and nail technician pamper you is delightful!  But going once a month or more like I would like to would get expensive and I know my hubby would not approve, so I have been doing most of my own pedicures at home and I'm loving the results.  It is a great way to save some cash and end up with even prettier looking heels!  

Here is my collection of products.  I absolutely love the 'be natural' brand callus eliminator and dry heel eliminator.  Those are must-haves!  But I am sure any scrub or foot file would work just fine.

I begin by sitting on the edge of my tub and soaking my feet in warm water.  Sometimes I will put sea salts in the water, but not always. Then I dry off my feet and scrub them with the foot scrub and my hands.  I then rinse and dry them again. 

Now it's time for the callus eliminator!  Originally, I had a hard time figuring out how to keep it on my heels for 5 minutes without dripping off, so I decided to cut a snack baggie and use that to hold the gel in place. It actually works quite well!  Just squirt the callus eliminator in the corner of the bag, stick your foot in and rub it around to cover the whole heel.  Then wait 5 minutes and rinse.  Then use the foot file to buff the heels and remove any dry skin.  

Lastly, I lather on the dry heel eliminator lotion and put on these gel socks.  I leave them on for a couple of hours or overnight.  I'm always amazed how good my heels look when I take them off!  Bring on the sandals!  Now if only I could figure out how to paint my toenails without getting more paint on the skin around the nail than on the nail itself.  Haven't quite perfected that side of the pedicure yet.  We'll save that for another day!

I realized today that I am overdue to give you all an update.  I was able to take a little blogging break since those 3 lovely ladies were kind enough to let me interview them over the past few weeks and share their stories.  Now it’s time for me to get back into the swing of things!  I really wish I had better news.  Unfortunately, the “2 week wait” (as it is referred to in the infertility world), proved to have a disappointing end for us once again.  We found out last Tuesday that we were not pregnant.  This news was really hard on us for a few different reasons I think. One reason is because we haven’t been able to really try in over 3 months due to me having either too many eggs or no eggs at all.  As frustrating as that was, we did not get our hopes up those months since we knew there was virtually no chance of us getting pregnant. It was much more of an even keel than a roller coaster, which although we didn’t realize it at the time…. was a much needed emotional break for both of us.  But this month, everything seemed to be falling into place with 2 perfect follicles, a high sperm count and our 1st IUI completed.  We were really excited and hopeful, and both thought it might finally be our time.  We knew God could answer our prayers at any moment.  But this was not that time.  We will repeating exactly what we did last month...clomid days 5-9, follicle ultrasound day 14, trigger shot if 1-3 mature eggs, IUI and progesterone after IUI.  And most importantly, we will continue to trust that God is in control and that He alone can give us the desires of our hearts.  “I prayed for this child…."

Once upon a time there lived a woman named Hannah and a man named Elkanah.  Their story can be found in the Bible in the book titled "1 Samuel."  It goes as follows:

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tihu, the son of Zuph, and Ephraimite.  He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Penninah had children, but Hannah had none.  Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord.  Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters.  But Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb.  Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her.  This went on year after year.  Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping?”  Why don’t you eat?  Why are you downhearted?  Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”  

Once they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up.  Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house.  In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly.  And she made a vow saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”  As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.  Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard.  Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk?  Put away your wine.”  “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied.  “I am a woman who is deeply troubled.  I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.  Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”  Eli answered, “go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of Him.”  She said, “may your servant find favor in your eyes.”  Then she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast.  

Early the next morning they arose and worshipped the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah.  Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time, Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”  When her husband Elkanah went up with all his family to offer the annual sacrifice to the Lord and go fulfill his vow, Hannah did not go.  She said to her husband, “After the boy is weaned, I will take him and present him before the Lord, and he will live there always.”  “Do what seems best to you,” her husband Elkanah told her.  “Stay here until you have weaned him; only may the Lord make good His word.” So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him. After he was weaned, she took the boy with her, young as he was, along with a three year old bull, an ephah of flour and a skin of wine, and brought him to the house of the Lord at Shiloh.  When the bull had been sacrificed, they brought the bull to Eli, and she said to him, “Pardon me my lord.  As surely as you live, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the Lord.  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshipped the Lord there.  1 Samuel 1:1-28

I am so very thankful that this story was recorded in such great detail!  I have found so much consolation in being able to identify so closely with Hannah. There are multiple women in the Bible who were known to be barren or infertile for varying lengths of time….but in my opinion, no other story captures the longing, anguish, jealousy, marital stress, prayerfulness and the physical effects of someone dealing with infertility quite like Hannah’s story does.  Although she is a well known biblical figure, she was a real woman yearning to be a mother, just like me.  I absolutely love Hannah’s prayer to The Lord when she cries out to Him and says “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on Your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant, but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of my life….”  This has become the prayer of my heart. The only difference is that I usually say son OR daughter.  :)  The first few times I prayed those words were scary.  I told God that if He blesses me with a baby, I would not only do my best to raise my child to know and love Him, but also that I would give my child to Him in whatever way He asked of me.  Thats a big promise to make.  But Hannah meant it and so do I.  After pondering it I thought, "what better life for my child than to live out God’s will for him or her, whatever it may be?”  How could I not trust the Creator with His creation? Samuel ended up being a noble and upright priest, prophet, warrior and judge. God chose him to find and appoint the first 2 kings of Israel.  What an awesome example of how God can turn even the most painful and hopeless situation into a masterpiece or joy and hope which ultimately showcases His goodness and glory.   

I hope with all my heart that one day, like Hannah, I will be able to finish that beautiful verse by proclaiming, “…and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.”  

Kate is a sweet girl that I met through our mutual friend Erica, who we are both very close to. I have been following Kate and Jim's journey for a long time through Erica. At the time I didn't really know anyone else struggling to try and start a family, so hearing about Kate's struggles saddened me but also reminded me that I was not alone. I prayed for her and her situation often and finally got the chance to meet her in Nashville last summer when we were both bridesmaids in Erica's wedding. We got to spend a lot of time talking about everything and I remember feeling so encouraged by her. She was 5 months pregnant with Micah at the time. Hallelujah!


First please give a brief history of your infertility journey such as how long you tried, surgeries/procedures you went through, medications, miscarriages, etc.

After Jim and I had been married 3 years we decided to start having kids.  I had everything planned…that’s where I went wrong.  I planned to wait until after my best friend’s wedding so I could enjoy the festivities.  I planned to get pregnant in the fall or winter so my child would be “older” for their grade, I planned we would have 3 kids, all naturally of course.  Even I knew all this planning sounded crazy. So I never shared these deeply personal requests with anyone.    After 1 year of “trying” I had my 1 year OB/GYN annual exam.  That morning it was I took a home pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE.  It was POSITIVE.  Test at the MD that morning confirmed, however my HCG levels were really really low.  The next day I miscarried.  I grieved, moved on, and thought as high as 50% of pregnancy end with miscarriage.  I’m normal.  1 year passed almost to the day.  It was positive again.  This time we saw the perfect heartbeat on ultrasound at 7 weeks.  The MD said see in in 4 weeks.  At 3 weeks and 6 days I started spotting.  This time the ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat and a D & C followed the next day. This time it was really hard.  There was a beating heart. What went wrong? So maybe I’m not normal.  I took a year to get pregnant and then to lose it twice? I started with a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I was scared to death.  What would they tell me?  I had test after test that found I had polycystic ovaries (PCOS) only by looks on ultrasound not by hormone imbalance.  Jim’s test were all normal.   I drug my feet having any interventions until finally I couldn’t wait anymore.  I needed a plan.  So we started with fertility injections (follistem).  For some reason this seemed like the kiss of death to me.  I cried when I had to pick-up the medicine.  You see I’m one of those people that is really bothered by taking medicine.  It made me feel like something was wrong with me.  Like I was sick.  After 3 trials of injections (1 natural round, 1 IUI, and 1 cancelled for too many eggs) we were unsuccessful.  Did I mention I had a 3^rd confirmed pregnancy and miscarriage somewhere in the middle of these injection trials?  Oh yeah I did.  Had a second D & C and here is where it gets interesting.   In the middle of the procedure…. I coded!! Yes my heart stopped, or at least they thought it did.  I now know that most likely I had a vagal nerve response and had extreme bradycardia.  Lay terms= extremely slow heart rate from a nerve that slows your system.   I found myself asking “Is this worth it?”  I mean is having a child worth risking my life?  I was forever scarred with fear.  Not that I already wasn’t fearful enough.    

Time heals wounds…kind of.  I did get brave enough to keep trying.  Got pregnant and had my 4^th miscarriage.  No D & C this time.  Passed naturally, while I was on vacation to where else but the happiest place on earth….Disney World!  This time we decided I needed a good healthy egg.  Not these small polycystic eggs.  So we opted for IVF.  As I waited for my next cycle to start so I could begin the hormone shots again, my period never came.  Okay so here we go again.  I couldn’t do it.  I just miscarried last month.  If you are keeping count this is the 5^th pregnancy.  All natural without intervention. I couldn’t do it.  I could not have bad news again.  This time was different all my numbers and ultrasounds were normal.  Every appointment I had I cried, shook, gave myself a pep talk. It was so hard walking in those doors.  Remember I was scarred permanently.  I feared every time that the heartbeat would be gone just as it was the 4x previous, but every time I left with good news.  Finally,  I was released to my regular MD.  I had a wonderful pregnancy.  The fear never left and every day I felt I would lose this precious baby, until the day I held my healthy baby boy in my arms.  I whispered to him...“You are different.  You are strong.  You are the perfect baby I have been praying for”.  And I knew in my heart it was true.  

1) What 3 words best describe your experience with infertility?

If I had to say 3 words/things that describe this experience it would be scary, lonely and worth it.  I’ve already talked about it being scary.  But it was lonely even though my husband was extremely supportive, strong, and encouraging.  I did have a few close girlfriends, my sister, and parents I shared with. I stopped talking to some friends and attending some events where there could be the potential that “baby” talk might come up.  I was not strong enough to talk about it to just anybody.  So I just didn’t put myself in that position.  I felt like something was wrong with me.  Like people showed pity for me, like I was a leper.  Micah was strong enough to survive so I can too now.  Maybe I can help somebody else find strength.  It was worth it.  I feel like myself again. 

2) What is the most important thing God taught you during that incredibly difficult season in your life?

What is the most important thing God taught me?   Well I would like to say I learned a lot of things but truth is I actually have more questions now than answers.  I learned that I did get what I prayed for.  I wanted a healthy baby.  I truly believe the other babies would not have been healthy.  They did find that one baby would have had a chromosome problem.  I continue to seek answers and a greater understanding.  Certainly there is a greater purpose to life.  I was not put on this earth to have a child then pass on.  There has to be something else.  I will continue to learn and seek. 

3) What advice/encouragement you can give to women who are currently struggling with infertility?

My advice to other women and men struggling with starting a family is that even though this is an extremely stressful experience, you can still enjoy the way your life is now.  You are not a leper.  It’s okay to hear “baby” talk and answer with "we are trying but have had some difficulties." 

Thank you for sharing, Kate!  May God continue to bless your family!

Chandra is an awesome girl who I met through a married couples church group that we were a part of.  She and her husband Jordan are such a sweet couple and I look forward to continuing to get to know them more and more!  Their story is so inspiring. Enjoy!  

First please give a brief history of your infertility journey such as how long you tried, surgeries/procedures you went through, medications, miscarriages, etc.

It's been a while since I have sat down and reflected upon this particular season in my life.  I'll start with a somewhat brief history of my experience with infertility.

My husband (Jordan) and I got married in May 2007 and knew right away that we wanted children, so we started trying immediately.  That July I went to the doctor because I have a history of irregular periods (sometimes I went 8 months without one), and my doctor told me when I was 14 that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  She told me I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and started me on Metformin.  Two months later I started Clomid.  (That seems like so long ago).  After 6 months of Clomid and no ovulation I was sent to Arkansas Fertililty and Gynecology in Little Rock (we lived in Clarksville at the time.)  It quickly became too expensive and I was getting no where so we decided to take a short break.

I was on Clomid off/on for 4 years.  I took Metformin and steroids, and had 3 IUIs after moving to Northwest Arkansas.  We even thought about adopting and started the process to become foster parents, but got turned down because our debt to income ratio was too high.  Talk about a stab in the heart.

During the process I became obsessed with wanting to be pregnant that my marriage began to slowly fail.  I questioned God on many things, not just pregnancy, and my relationship with Him was not where it needed to be either.  The desire to be pregnant consumed me.  There was a pivotal point during this season that I will never forget.  Jordan and were hit with a challenge in our marriage.  I wanted to turn to God, but felt I didn't deserve Him in that moment.  I felt alone.  I remember breaking down and crying for 3 days off and on, and finally just got on my knees and prayed and prayed and prayed...and prayed.  I made a decision to put it in His hands.  This was very hard.  There were so many times people would tell me, "If you quit trying, you'll get pregnant!"  I hated hearing that.  It wasn't that easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but the moment I truly let go a weight was lifted.  I decided to focus on my relationship with Christ and my marriage.  Those relationships had to be healed before becoming a mother.  That was in November of 2011.

I began getting migraines again, which was something I struggled with in the past if I wasn't on birth control or fertility drugs.  I went to my primary care physician who put me on medicine for migraines, but something that was safe in case I were to become miraculously pregnant on my own.  I was also on birth control during this time, but was to ween off of it.  I stopped taking my migraine medicine and birth control in August 2012.  This made a total of 5 years with no baby.  

October 18th 2012 I found out I was pregnant!  

It was a total surprise, and the best one for sure.  We were very careful the first few days while waiting on bloodwork to confirm our dream.  Of course we couldn't wait a minute after that to tell family.  They were praying for us the whole time, as well as many many many people who followed us during our journey via facebook, friends, co-workers...etc. 

1) What 3 words or emotions best describe your experience with infertility?

Three words/emotions I would use to describe my experience with infertility would probably be soul consuming, exhausting, joyful, overwhelming, grateful...the list could go on.  There are more than three words.

2) What is the most important thing God taught you during that incredibly difficult season in your life?

The most important thing God taught me during that season was that I can't do anything without Him.  There were so many times I wanted things to happen when I wanted them to, I wanted a baby now and wanted to do anything I could to get one.  All I had to do was turn my eyes to Him and he put His plan into work.  I no longer say, "This is my plan, this is what I want to do."  It's much more than that.  I would wait another 5 years for Micah.  He was created for us, and there is no doubt he is our miracle child.

3) What advice/encouragement you can give to women who are currently struggling with infertility?

I strongly encourage anyone who is going through this season in their life to make Jesus first.  TRUST in Him.  Sometimes it feels like he isn't listening.  That the desires of our hearts aren't heard.  THEY ARE.  Keep the faith and our all knowing, powerful, faithful God WILL fulfill the desires of our hearts- in His time.

Thank you so much for sharing, Chandra!  Your story is a great example of God's faithfulness.