I've been trying not to stress too much about what my first post on my new blog was going to be about. I mean after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?  So I decided on something that has really been on my heart lately; forgiveness. Forgiveness, (or the lack of), plays a huge role in our lives. Without God's forgiveness, we would have no hope.  Without forgiveness in our relationships with others, we would have no relationships. And without forgiveness of ourselves, we would be downright miserable. The word itself causes very mixed emotions inside of me.  When I hear it, immediately I think about Jesus dying on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins and I am overcome with gratitude and humility. I think of how unworthy I am and how unbelievable His grace is! But suddenly my mind wanders and my emotions make a 360 degree flip when I start to think about forgiving someone in my life who has caused me a great deal of pain.  I go straight from humility to pride.  My blood begins to boil with anger and my flesh cries out for justice. After all, I have a right to feel the way I do after what he or she has done! How can one word cause such a drastic response in two completely opposite directions?  

Thinking back on the past year and looking ahead to the new year, like most people, I have spent some time reflecting on what I could do differently, what patterns I want to change and what areas in my life need some work. That list is rather lengthy, but one thing in particular stands out. Unfortunately in the past year I have struggled tremendously with refusing to forgive. To be completely honest, I am really good and pretending to forgive, but not actually letting it go.  I like to make it appear on the outside as though I am doing what is right and offering grace, but on the inside anger and bitterness continue to multiply in my heart. I keep a mental tab of rude or upsetting things that have been said or done to me, so that when I need to defend myself in the future I have a whole arsenal of weapons to pull out.  And plus, the next time that person hurts me, I can remember all the things they have done in the past and that should help to justify why I feel the way I feel about them. That my friends is the ugly truth. I hope this transparency thing will get easier with time!  

Something really strange has happened in the past few months. I began to notice that every sermon I’ve heard or devotional I’ve read has had an underlying theme of forgiveness. And it seems like every song on the radio is about forgiveness.  And the people who I have been holding grudges against have seemed to come to my mind a lot more frequently.  And when I pray, I feel like God is farther away than usual.  And as much as I tried to ignore it, it finally hit me that maybe God is trying to get my attention.  And it is not until I stop and take a step back to really think about it that I see how hypocritical I can be.  I graciously accept God’s forgiveness, but disregard His command to forgive.  I fake forgiveness towards others, all the while forgetting that Jesus knows my heart. He sees right through the act. I try to justify the way I feel, but know deep down that those feelings are not based in truth, but rather in lies that the Devil feeds me.  As I was thinking about all of this, something occurred to me. I bet Satan loves when we refuse to forgive.  He loves when we buy into his lies about how we deserve justice and we are rightfully angry.  Satan loves sin, and refusing to forgive anyone under any circumstance is sinful.  It reeks of arrogance and pride.  There is an ongoing battle between good and evil raging inside of each of us.  Galatians 5:17 tells us that the flesh and the Spirit are in constant opposition to one another. I bet that is why the word forgiveness provokes such an odd response in me, because the Spirit was pointing to humility but my flesh was pointing to pride. When we give into sinful desires of the flesh such as anger, selfish ambition, bitterness and hate, our relationship with God suffers because sin separates us from God.  So it is no wonder that when I am struggling in those areas God seems far away and that I don’t sense His power in my life.  

To forgive like Jesus means to wipe the slate clean, to not keep a record of wrongs and to show grace. Jesus doesn’t just forgive certain offenses.  There are no exceptions or limitations to His mercy.  I don't think He will ever tell me there should be any conditions to my forgiveness either.  And not only does He call me to forgive, but also to take it a step further and to love and pray for the person who has offended of hurt me. Wow!  As if forgiving them wasn’t hard enough. I think part of the reason forgiveness by God's standards is so difficult is because it is unselfish. We humans by nature are very selfish.  I don't want to offer forgiveness until the words "I'm sorry" have been said and meant.  I don't want to forgive someone before I'm even asked. Sometimes we are rightfully hurt by things that are said or done to us. And often times the person who said or did them doesn’t really deserve forgiveness. But I think it helps if we humble ourselves and remember our own sinful human nature, mistakes and shortcomings. When we take a good look at our own hearts we are reminded that we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. I don’t deserve forgiveness either.  And quite frankly, neither do you. So how can we not give away what God has so mercifully given us?  When you truly forgive, you free yourself from the burden of bitterness you were carrying, and you free the other person from the obligation to repay you or make it right. You imitate Jesus. And anytime we do that, only good things can happen.  "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

I pray Lord Jesus that you'll help me to have a more forgiving heart in the days, weeks and years ahead.  I can't do this alone, so I ask that you empower me with your Spirit.  Amen.