I was getting ready for church one Sunday morning a few weeks back and I remembered that we were going to be starting the book of Philippians that day. One of my goals is to get better at taking notes in church, so I grabbed what I thought was an empty notebook off the bookshelf to write in during the sermon. I always seem to remember things better if I write them down. As I was sitting there waiting for the service to begin, I flipped through the entire notebook-- wondering if Corey or I had ever used it before. Much to my surprise, I came across this page that I had written on the day we found out we were pregnant for the 2nd time on March 16, 2012! After reading it, I sat there with tears running down my face, absolutely overcome with emotion.
Talk about pure joy! But just 9 days after I wrote these words, we experienced our second miscarriage... exactly one year ago today. I will never forget the way I felt that day. The physical cramping and bleeding were nothing compared to the intense pain ripping through my heart. It literally felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly with a knife. I cried for days. We really felt like this time was going to be different...but there we were, back in the same miserable boat. That night, somehow, in the midst of my sorrow-- I wrote these words and posted them in a note on Facebook.
The hurt and the Healer
I have found that in times of great emotion, both good and bad, the best thing for me to do is sit down and write. Today is one of those emotional days. There is a lot on my heart that I want to share.
Two years ago, in March 2011, Corey and I decided we were ready to be parents and anxious to start our family, so we began actively trying to get pregnant. After 7 months, we were successful. But much to our dismay, during our 1st ultrasound we discovered that our little angel had no heartbeat. We lost our precious baby at 10 weeks. I had a d&c surgery two days before Christmas. It was a very painful time for us. I remember feeling shocked and heartbroken. But God is good, and He gave us healing and the strength to move on and trust in Him. Little did we know, it would take us a year and 4 months to get pregnant again. It has been very hard waiting and feeling the disappointment building as each month passed. We prayed together every night for patience and guidance, and for His will to be done. We prayed that He would bless us with a baby once again. And He did. We were extremely excited to find out earlier this month that we were expecting. We felt that this time it would be different. Everything seemed to be going well. But last night I began feeling like something was wrong, and this morning we had a miscarriage. We are trying to cope as we go once again from the high of utter joy and excitement to the low of losing our 2nd baby, just like that. My heart aches. The tears just keep coming. We don't understand why.
This has been one of the most difficult trials Corey or I have ever endured. We never imagined it would be this long or this hard. But as I look back, I realize that God has taught me a lot during this time of waiting and longing. He has taught me that my will is not always His will, but that His will is always the best option…even when it doesn’t feel like it at the time. He has taught me to focus on what I do have, (such as a great marriage, good health, salvation, and friends & family in Christ who build me up and encourage me on this journey of life,) rather than what I don’t have. He has taught me the power of prayer and the importance of walking daily with Him in obedience. And most recently He has taught me that as long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will always have peace in my heart, no matter what I am going through. Although my heart is broken, I am at peace. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. I know He will again pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how many women in the Bible struggled with infertility. Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth to name a few. Every one of them, though barren for many years was eventually given a child. God is faithful. When I pray for children, not only do I know that He can, but I believe that He will answer my prayer. He created me with such a strong desire to be a mother and I believe He will give me the greatest desire of my heart in His perfect timing.
If anyone reading this is struggling with your own trial or sorrow, my prayer is that you will draw near to Him rather then fall away. I know from personal experience that it would be much easier to just be mad and bitter. But He is the great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him. Every kind of pain we feel, He has felt it. Jesus is a Savior who can sympathize with us.
I want to thank all of you who have been praying for and encouraging us. We ask that you will continue to do so as we move forward. We are blessed beyond measure by the wonderful people in our lives. We really appreciate the love you show us.
“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1Peter 1:3-9
“I have told you all this so that in me you may have peace. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
In Him,
Chelsey
So here I am, another year later. Although I have not been pregnant again and my heart is hurting-- I still strongly agree with every word I wrote, both before and after my last miscarriage. God is good. He has the most amazing things planned for us, in His time. All glory and honor and power belongs to Him alone. He is faithful. My will is not always His will, but His will is always the best option. As long as I keep my eyes fixed on Him, I will have peace in my heart. He is the Great Healer and Comforter, and true peace and contentment can only be found in Him.
Maybe someday Corey and I will be able to look back and see what God was doing all this time. I don't know.
What I do know is that I can't wait to meet my Savior and my sweet babies in Heaven...someday.
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