It has been a while since I've blogged.  Man, time goes by fast!  Does it seem like the days and weeks are flying by at record speeds--- or is it just me?  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my 30th birthday is just a few months away and I am having a bit of a 1/3 life crisis.  Is that a thing... a 1/3 life crisis? If not, it is now.  Maybe I'll start a trend.  Even just the word "thirty" makes me cringe.  I have literally broken down in tears just thinking about it.  I have also gone a little crazy lately... buying unnecessary clothes & shoes, being consumed with the desire to travel, wanting to eat out and not cook, not caring much about our budget or being responsible and the list goes on.  If it were up to me and I didn't have a husband thinking clearly and restraining me, I'm pretty sure we would be on a roadtrip across America right now and then most likely exploring Europe by the end of summer.  I think it all comes down to this...I thought my life would look different at this point.  More specifically, I thought I would be a Mom by now.  That was the plan.  For as long as I could remember, a Mom is what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I didn't have many aspirations other than that.  I have always felt like that was God's calling for my life, to be a wife and mother.  And I still feel that way.  And I have been blessed to get to be Corey's wife for the past 3.5 years.  But that other void is still there in my heart.  

Last week I was in Nebraska for my Grandpa Boomer's funeral.   It was an incredibly bittersweet week--- holding his hand as he took his last breaths and celebrating his life with all of our family. (More on that later).  Losing 2 of my dear grandparents in the last 9 months mixed with the reality of my 30th birthday creeping up has brought me back once again to the realization that life is short and it goes by way too FAST.  So here I am going overboard trying to live it up, have fun, enjoy life, take it all in.  Here I am crying and fretting over a stupid number.  Here I am frustrated that my master plan is not panning out. 

I am so happy that tomorrow is Easter!  It is one of the best days of the year and such a perfect time to lay it all down before the Lord and start over.  I know that is exactly what I need to do rather than continue trying to fill that void on my own.  What a beautiful thing that Christ died on the cross to save us and then rose again to reign forever!  With His death and resurrection, He ushered in the New Covenant.  And because of the salvation He has given me, I know I have eternity in Heaven to look forward to!!  Amazing.  And yet somehow I get so caught up in this life and age and dreams and plans. Oh how I need His grace to continue washing over me & how desperately I need His love to fill my empty places.  He has filled that void of my longing to be a Mom time and time again and has brought me true peace, even in some of the hardness times of this trial. And I know He will do it again.  But He will not force Himself upon me.  I must draw near to Him, let the walls down, spend lots of time in The Scriptures and in prayer.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me...and suddenly all of those worries and fears I harbor along with the fear of turning 30 will seem strangely irrelevant.  

"You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud

but shows favor to the humble.”

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up..... Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  James 4:4-10 and 13-15 

In closing, I want you give you an update on where we are in our infertility journey. Corey and I had our 2nd IUI this morning.  Our ultrasound yesterday showed 2 mature eggs, both larger than any I've ever had before.  The lining of my uterus was also thicker than it has ever been.  Both of these things are very encouraging! My doctor was very hopeful and strongly urged us to do IUI this month.   Corey and I both agreed that we wanted to try it again and this felt like a good time to do it.  I got the trigger shot of HCG yesterday and we had the procedure at 9 this morning.  We are hoping and praying that this Easter will be a celebration of new life for us in more ways than one!  

I am praying that everyone reading this has a wonderful Easter!